Snap. Patti Wood

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СКАЧАТЬ She noticed that sometimes there would be a swift change in Jason’s demeanor. When a meeting was over and the other people had left, he would put on his lopsided grin and say something sarcastic about them. This would make Melissa uncomfortable, but again she would reason away her doubts, saying, “That’s his sense of humor, and the clients love him.” Jason was so charismatic that charm oozed out of him like honey. The problem was that the honey was so thick that Melissa couldn’t see through it. Jason was a compulsive liar and a smooth talker, and he took her top clients from her, leaving her business in the lurch.

      Something in Ron’s demeanor immediately put Marie at ease. There was something about Jason’s demeanor that charmed Melissa but also made her feel “overwhelmed” and “uncomfortable.” We know that we make snap judgments within seconds of meeting someone for the first time. But what is it that we see that can either put us at ease or set us on edge?

      We assess four “first-impression factors” when we first meet somebody:

      1. Credibility: This most important factor makes us feel safe because it tells us the other person is trustworthy.

      2. Likability: This is what indicates that someone is warm, friendly, and easy to be around.

      3. Attractiveness: Balance and symmetry in the body and face help create a positive snap for reasons that may surprise you. Other aspects of the power of attractiveness inform your impressions and actions. But rest assured, it is not all about being pretty or handsome.

      4. Power: Levels of dominance, either pronounced or subtle, exist in all our interactions and, ideally, send messages of confidence and ease in situations.

      To understand how people use nonverbal behavior to make snap impressions, you need to understand these four crucial, primary factors. When you learn to recognize them, you will be aware of how they affect your perceptions of others, and you can form more accurate first impressions. You will also understand the specific things you can do at any time with any person to increase your credibility, likability, attractiveness, and power. I will also discuss how you can gain positive charisma, the extreme charisma exhibited by people who have high levels of likability, attractiveness, and power; what you can do to increase your positive charisma; and how you can be swayed more easily, and even fooled in ways that are dangerous, by highly charismatic people.

      Credibility

       As a first-time manager, Janet often sought the advice of Barb, a more experienced manager of another department in the company. The first time she met Barb, she felt at ease. And each time Janet sought Barb’s counsel, she felt that comfort. It didn’t matter if she came in upset with an employee or confused about a client’s needs, when she talked to Barb she trusted her. Janet knew that if Barb said, “You did the right thing,” she really meant it. There was no reason to worry that Barb would share her confidences with anyone else in the company, that she would say to someone, “You won’t believe the crazy thing Janet said to a client.”

       At the same time, if Barb had a hard truth to tell Janet about something she’d done wrong or could have done better, Barb wouldn’t hesitate but would tell it to her straight. Barb’s voice, face, and words would be earnest, and Janet would never feel judged. Whatever problem she experienced, she felt better for having shared it with Barb.

      The most important factor in assessing others is credibility. Do you feel at ease in their presence? Are they themselves and fully present and attentive? When a person has credibility, she is who she says she is, with no facade. You can trust her. In fact, the words credit and credibility have the same root — credo, which means, “I trust or believe.” When someone is authentic, you recognize this in both her facial expressions and her actions. It really comes down to evolution: we are hardwired to pick up on credibility. In forming a first impression, the basic survival instinct says, “Can I trust this person? Can I feel safe in his presence? Is he going to pull out a knife? No, I can believe that what I’m seeing is the real thing.”

      Before I teach the four factors of a first impression, I survey the audience, asking, “What is the first thing you notice when you meet somebody?” Remarkably, in thousands of surveys, of audience after audience, year after year, I get the same answers. People either specify credibility or list trustworthiness, authenticity, honesty, or integrity — all of which make up credibility.

      Your True North

      Have you ever met someone who made you immediately feel safe and at ease in his presence? Do you know someone you can absolutely trust? The exercise “True North: Recognizing Credibility,” which appears later in this chapter, will help you recognize credibility. In my programs, when audiences complete the exercise and talk about their “True North people,” who are credible, their voices grow warm — whether they are describing their mothers, new neighbors, CEOs, high school teachers, best friends, or new bosses. I listen and watch their nonverbal behavior as they pause with wonder and their bodies unfold. Their breathing deepens, moving from high in the chests to the bellies. If they are excited, they are also at ease and in general seem calm. And they always smile. They are reexperiencing what it feels like to be with a credible person.

      One of the most important insights about credibility is that, when you are with someone who has it, you feel it in your body. Under stress our limbic system creates the freeze-flight-fight-or-faint response, but when we are in the presence of a True North person we feel the opposite of stressed. We feel not only safe but fully alive. And when you give others a True North impression, you feel comfortable and fully alive. Your body loves authenticity. If you try too hard to be someone you aren’t, it exhausts you. If you are not behaving with integrity when you meet someone, even a short conversation can drain the life out of you.

      Some people think it takes time to discover whether a person is credible. Time can certainly allow someone to build trust. But when a person behaves as his authentic self, as exactly who he is, no facade, you immediately develop a visceral feeling about him in his presence. And there’s something else interesting about this: a credible person is credible to everybody. Other people see him the same way you do. Credibility is consistent and universal.¹

      When I first met John, he was a senior vice president of marketing at BMG, the entertainment conglomerate. I was struck by his credibility, and over the years this first impression proved accurate. He would take a call from the head of Disney’s movie division, talk to an intern who came into his office, take a call from an überfamous musician, take a call from his boss, and turn to me, his friend, and use the same upbeat, happy voice. He is consistently himself with everyone; he gives each person his full attention while interacting with him or her; his gestures, the corners of his mouth, his voice, and his posture go “up” with enthusiasm; and the palms of his hands open wide as he talks, whether he is with his son, a musical star, or the waiter in a restaurant. He makes everyone instantly feel good. He is never “on” for important people and “off” while talking to others.

      There are three classic components of credibility: competence, trustworthiness, and dynamism.² You’ll find David K. Berlo and James B. Lemert’s three components in the stories about first impressions that I’ve discussed so far:

      • Competence is obvious in the knowledge and expertise expressed by the manager Barbara in her communications.

      • Trustworthiness is evident in the sense of ease and safety engendered by the high-level executive Ron, in the honesty and sincerity of Barb, and in the warmth that John at BMG conveys to everyone he meets.

      • Dynamism — a person’s energy and confidence — is clear in John’s consistent nonverbal behavior СКАЧАТЬ