Snap. Patti Wood

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СКАЧАТЬ another says, “I’d like to be closer to you.” It also tests whether he will reply in kind. Think of how you pose for a photograph with another person or a group: everyone leans in. This is something we often do when we’re listening intensely, which is another way to show our particular interest in someone.

      What do you think is the most honest portion of the body? Think about the part of the body under the least amount of conscious control, and the part of the body that is often first to change in response to stress. Did you guess the feet? The feet point to where the heart wants to go. When we are stressed, our feet may freeze in place, point away to flee, plant themselves far apart so that we can fight, or go out from under us as we faint. We stand with both feet toward the door to signal that we want to leave a conversation, or, more politely, we place one foot toward the speaker and one toward the exit in a subtle, little “please let me go” plea when we want to wave good-bye.

      Opening windows: We have what I call “body windows,” which we seemingly open or close while interacting with others. Our feet, knees, pelvis, stomach, heart, neck, mouth, eyes, and palms are the body parts that act like open or closed windows, depending on how we orient them in relation to other people. Likable people tend to keep their windows open by orienting their body windows toward others, unfolding their limbs, and keeping barriers like desks, cups, drinking glasses, and purses from coming between them.

      Reaching or pointing: Think of the trained hunting dogs who point their bodies toward prey so the hunter can find it. A person interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot or knee, cross his leg at the knee so his foot is facing toward you, reach a hand partway across the table, or point his face toward you. These are all signals that say, “I am focused on you.”

      Eye focus: In this electronic age, with so many distractions, it feels great when you have someone’s full attention. They aren’t looking around the room, distracted by others, or glancing down at electronic devices. They look and listen until you have finished speaking.

      Facial and auditory feedback: Clear, readable facial expressions and lots of them — smiling, brow furrowed in concentration, slow nodding — and perhaps small sounds like uh-huh and mmm show interest. These are examples of warm and/or enthusiastic, expressive paralanguage.

      Matching: Subconsciously, people demonstrate their comfort with the people they talk to. When you reflect the other person back to him, he feels affirmed and that you are aligned with him. If you lean forward, he leans forward. If you cross your legs, he will cross his. If you reach out across the table, a comfortable person will demonstrate likability by doing the same. While seated at a table, he will move glassware, papers, and other objects out of the way so that nothing distances him from you. Conversely, a person who is ill at ease or lying will place things between the two of you — a purse, a coffee cup, a cell phone, or some other object.

      Touch: It’s helpful to briefly touch the person you’re speaking to. I know what you’re thinking. “Are you crazy? I don’t want a stranger to think I am weird, or to have a new coworker charge me with sexual harassment!” Yes, in our current culture we fear all kinds of touch in initial interactions, and even handshaking has decreased significantly. But touch is powerful, and it works because nonthreatening touch positively affects our chemistry. A brief, nonthreatening, nonsexual touch can change how we feel in less than a fortieth of a second.

      Match and Mirror

      To establish commonality nonverbally, match the body posture and facial expression of the person you are speaking to, as well as her energy level, gestures, tone of voice, and even rate of speech and breath. Do this unobtrusively while maintaining eye contact. When you match another person, an interesting thing happens: you actually begin to feel what she is feeling. In addition, you communicate at the subconscious level: “Hey, I get it; I’m with you,” or “I want to understand you,” or “I’m not your enemy.”

      Don’t mirror aggression. If someone stands over you and yells, with feet planted broadly, legs apart, and hands on hips, don’t jump up out of your chair and match this behavior. Instead, if it feels safe to do so, subtly come in at a level or two below her energy. Inject a little intensity into your voice as you say that you understand she’s upset. Express your interest and concern. Then slowly bring your volume down, slow your rate of speech, and relax your body. Your would-be opponent will likely slow down — and calm down — with you.

      Touch is an essential element in our development and health, and a powerful way of communicating.⁵ I have been studying and conducting surveys on touch since my first graduate-school research paper on the subject, “Haptics (Touch) in Initial Interactions in Business Settings.” I even did research on touch in initial interactions in my role as Canada’s national spokesperson for Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. Over the years, I have discussed with audiences many fears and concerns related to touch, in programs on body language, gender differences, and sexual harassment. But touch offers so many benefits, which should motivate you to touch in safe, nonsexual ways. There have been many studies on how touch affects first impressions, and they show it has positive effects. For example, in one study, subjects who were asked to sign a petition were touched lightly on the arm when the request was made, and 81 percent complied. When the experiment was repeated with a different request, 70 percent of those touched complied; only 40 percent of the untouched individuals did so.⁶ A restaurant server’s fleeting touch on the customer’s hand or shoulder results in larger tips. Of course there is a caveat: 8 percent of people in the United States don’t want to be touched. (Go to www.snapfirstimpressions.com to watch the video Five Ways to Use a Safe Touch to Make a Positive Impression.)

      Attractiveness

      Traveling to speak at a convention, I went to the airport straight from the gym. I was wearing my favorite old and stretched-out sweats. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail and, okay, a tad sweaty. Needless to say, there was no makeup in sight. No big deal, I figured; I didn’t know my fellow flyers, and they didn’t know me. We would never meet again.

      Upon arrival, I waited with a large group of people for the bus that would take us to our hotel. I noticed that everyone waiting seemed to know one another, and that many had been on the flight with me. These sixty or so people were well-dressed (in suits) and well-coiffed. They also were giving me odd looks or averting their gaze. As we boarded, none of them offered me access to the empty seats next to them. As I made my way to an empty row in the back of the bus, I saw, on the laps of some of my fellow passengers, the convention brochure with my picture on it! These were the people I would be speaking to the next day — and I looked like I’d just gotten out of bed.

      We live in a visually oriented culture in which our appearance not only precedes our words but can overpower them. Research shows that individuals tend to agree on their snaps of strangers even when these strangers vary in race, nationality, and culture, and even when their impressions are based solely on facial appearance.⁷ But appearance is only one aspect of attractiveness, so before you plan on having plastic surgery, read on.

      What Is Attractive?

      This measurement has a lot to do with symmetry. Research shows that a person with body and facial symmetry is highly attractive. Cate Blanchett, Halle Berry, and Michelle Pfeiffer display bilateral facial symmetry. So did Elizabeth Taylor — a line from her obituary in the New York Times in 2011 reads, “As cameramen noted, her face was flawlessly symmetrical; she had no bad angle, and her eyes were of the deepest violet.”⁸ A Newsweek cover story, “The Biology of Beauty,” specifically mentioned Denzel Washington as a star whose face had been measured and deemed to be perfectly symmetrical.⁹ Bilateral symmetry — in which the body or face is perfectly balanced — has a subliminal effect on first impressions. СКАЧАТЬ