Snap. Patti Wood

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ

      The Lock-and-Load Power Position

      Notice whenever anyone makes you lock and load your stance, planting your legs far apart, or if anyone locks and loads as you talk to them.

      The Timing Is Telling

      A sports star accused of wrongdoing holds a press conference to deny the charges. He clears his throat and begins speaking; it’s a simple case of nervousness, perhaps. But listen closely as he continues to speak. Is his throat clearing a baseline behavior, or does he do it only when he makes certain statements? Notice the timing. Does his voice go up in pitch, and does he clear his throat or cough after he says, “I am innocent”? And does he clear his throat again after bringing his voice down almost to a whisper and saying, “I did nothing wrong”?

      Feel It First

      Depending on how you define the term muscle, there are about six hundred to eight hundred muscles in the human body. It’s impossible to consciously manage or control them all. What’s more, if you do work to control your body’s language, your subconscious will simultaneously continue to send its own messages.

      Remember, when someone is being honest, she feels something first, then shows and says what she feels. A deceiver, especially if she has time to prepare her deception, is thinking of her story and the words she needs to say. But there are so many muscles in the face that you can’t control all of them when you’re under stress. It’s difficult for a person to avoid sending a constant stream of signals about what she is really feeling and thinking.

      If you try too hard to control your body, you’ll likely send mixed messages. One part of you will say one thing, while another will say something else, and the result will be that people trust you less, not more.

      Morgan is a petite, shapely blonde who doesn’t lack for men coming up to her and flirting. Her complaint is that these encounters never end in the men requesting a date. She is highly successful in her business, but in social settings, she says, “I smile, laugh, and do all the things that should work, but they still end up walking away.”

      One evening, I go out with her, not as her wing woman, but as her barstool coach, to watch her interactions from a discreet distance, hidden from her view. I notice that the men are picking up on her tension. Morgan smiles and laughs, but her smile lingers longer than it should, and her laugh is a bit brittle and forced. She radiates tension. Even her shoulders and eyebrows are noticeably raised, as if she is afraid. Her voice is high and strident, and her hands occasionally rise up and push out, as if she is stopping traffic. She is pushing the guys away!

      The men sense her fear, and I can even see some of them try to be less assertive by taking up less space and tilting their heads to put her at ease, but she is unwittingly making them uncomfortable. Morgan has a lot going for her, but it is undercut by the discomfort she evokes in others. When we talk, she is not surprised by my observations. “I wasn’t doing any of these things simply because a body language expert was watching me. I have always felt nervous while flirting, and I just thought my bravado masked it!”

      We addressed her fear, working “from the outside in,” deciding what she could do differently. We worked on changing her stance and gestures, relaxing and lowering her voice and shoulders, and calming her tension. We even changed her breathing so she was able to breathe deep in her lower abdomen and feel more relaxed. She ended up getting dates, including a very special one with the man who is now her boyfriend.

      Likability

       Sharon and Scott opened their door to greet their friend Spencer and his new wife, Debbie. Debbie came in with shiny eyes, her arms up and open, and her head tilted, exposing her throat. Her palms were showing, and she greeted her hosts with a warm, melodious voice. Though Sharon had never met Debbie, her guest’s greeting was so warm and gregarious that she won her over immediately. An hour later, after dinner, Sharon remarked to Debbie, “I feel like I’ve known you for years!”

      When a person demonstrates likability, she smiles and laughs easily and uses friendly upper-body language. She shows emotions and facial expressions that allow us to know how she’s feeling. The opposite of likability is a lack of expression and affect, and, often, a monotonous voice. Research shows that the more expressive someone is, the more comfortable we are with her.

      Why We Love Extroverts

      Extroverts tend to give more positive first impressions. Remember, when we can read someone’s emotions easily we are more comfortable around them — which puts introverts at a disadvantage when it comes to creating a good first impression. If you are a nice, quiet person who wonders why slick players and high-maintenance drama queens get all the attention, know that there is science behind this love for “madness at first sight.” Happy, healthy extroverts seem confident and expressive, which are things we like. Even extroverts who display red-flag warnings with their over-the-top, supersized gestures still make a great first impression. This expressiveness — at which the extrovert excels — may aid the few dangerous extroverts in their successful deception.

      Introverts, on the other hand, who naturally pause to think before they speak, who talk softly, display fewer gestures and expressions, and make less eye contact, don’t fare as well on first blush. Introverts’ ways may appear to be signs of deception. We may wonder why they are so quiet, why they stumble over their words and make so little eye contact, and this may make us suspicious of them.⁴ Understanding these differences between introverts and extroverts can help you read and interact with them more effectively.

      A person who demonstrates likability does so in person, online, and over the phone. You know it immediately. And, like credibility, likability is universally recognized. We can recognize likability in the first split second when we meet someone.

      Likability includes, but is not exclusively about, commonality. We like people who are like us, but likability is more about personality, warmth, and friendliness. People who are likable turn and look at you. Like Debbie when she met Scott and Sharon, they open their bodies to you when they speak. Likability welcomes connection.

      Amy went to her fiftieth (yes, fiftieth) high school reunion and remet a high school pal, Rob. It was love at first re-sight. They said they knew they were reunited soul mates. To introduce him to her friends, Amy had a dinner party. Imagine this strange new guy meeting Amy’s friends, many of whom had known her for thirty or more years and were highly protective of her.

      Rob was at the door to meet Amy’s friends as they arrived, hugging them warmly. Throughout the evening he spent time with each one, leaning in to talk and in one case touching his listener on the arm to emphasize his emotional point. He obviously worried less about himself than connecting with each person. If something were between him and another — such as a sofa pillow on the couch or a vase of flowers on the table — he gently and subtly moved it out of the way. Rob spent time with Amy, too, as the evening progressed, but he also gave each of her friends his rapt attention. As they shared stories, his face and body language fully reflected their emotions. He laughed with them and sighed with them. At one especially emotional point in the evening, when stories of a loved one lost to AIDS were shared, he cried with them. Of course Amy’s friends all loved him.

      What’s to Like? — Cues That Make You Likable

      Several characteristics contribute to likability.

Moving toward: We go toward what we like and move away from what we don’t like. This is a foundation principle of body language, and it is related to our primal orienting reflex. Instinctually we move toward what we like, desire, or want, and move away from what we fear, distrust, or don’t like. You can move toward someone by stepping nearer to him СКАЧАТЬ