There Once Was a Prophet from Judah. Jeff Carter

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СКАЧАТЬ Was not an Ornithologist

      I know it’s silly, that it’s absurd

      to get hung up on a little word

      and there’s not much at stake

      in this little mistake,

      but, dang it all, a bat ain’t a bird!

      Leviticus 11:13–19

      Moses wasn’t a chiropterologist, either for that matter.

      Four Legged Insects?

      Now, let’s not set off the powder kegs;

      keep the conversation calm, I begs,

      but let’s question the text

      for how many insects

      do you know that have only four legs?

      Leviticus 11:20

      Unclean

      A man lies with his woman, and then

      he has an emission of semen.

      Now they are both unclean,

      if you know what I mean,

      that’s the word. Can I get an amen?

      Leviticus 15:18

      Yom Kippur

      Now don’t be so silly or flip or

      profane, but today we must skip o’er

      food, sex, and leather shoes,

      for this is how we Jews

      keep and commemorate Yom Kippur.

      Leviticus 16:29; 23:27

      Two Different Materials

      I am sorry to say this, my friend,

      but our friendship must come to an end;

      I must from you withdraw

      for you’ve broken God’s law:

      your shirt is a poly-cotton blend.

      Leviticus 19:19

      Does This Apply to Women as Well?

      Though it is a book truly revered,

      there are parts that are just a bit weird.

      Read it; you’ll find hidden

      among things forbidden

      Leviticus bans trimming your beard.

      Leviticus 19:27

      We Won’t Follow this One

      Though our Bibles are thumbed and well-worn

      we treat this verse with sneers and with scorn.

      We may read it, but we

      will refuse to agree

      to treat foreigners as native born.

      Leviticus 19:33–34

      No Dwarves!

      What in this instruction is unclear?

      No one with a defect may come near.

      So you should stay at home

      if you’re a hunch-backed gnome,

      God doesn’t want you to worship here.

      Leviticus 21:18–20

      Sorry Lance Armstrong

      Though it might make you feel insecure,

      if you’ve had cancer testicular

      and your testes were cut

      the chapel doors are shut.

      On this scripture’s quite particular.

      Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1

      Lex Talionis

      The Lex Talionis law was good,

      for when correctly applied it would

      put limits on revenge,

      so that no one could binge

      on the gouging of eyes, which is rude.

      Leviticus 24:20

      The Obvious Meaning Can’t Be Right

      Oh, everyone’s a literalist,

      that is, at least, until you insist

      the Year of Jubilee

      is good for you and me,

      then that method is quickly dismissed.

      Leviticus 25

      Private Property

      Those who defend private property

      as a right giv’n by divinity

      truly don’t understand

      the biblical command

      that calls for the Year of Jubilee.

      Leviticus 25

      It’s Okay if They’re from Canada

      Say I want to buy a slave, okay,

      what does scripture on that topic say?

      “Your slaves you should accrue

      from nations around you.”

      So I’ll get mine from Canada, eh?

      Leviticus 25:44

      Numbers

      Curses!

      The Lord said, “If your wife goes astray

      bring her to the priest without delay.

      He will give her a drink

      made of curses in ink

      and her sex organs will waste away.”

      Numbers СКАЧАТЬ