There Once Was a Prophet from Judah. Jeff Carter

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СКАЧАТЬ they complain, God tells Moses to strike the rock there with his staff, and they have water. And Moses names the place, “Meribah.”

      Later, after receiving the torah, they leave that place and head to Kadesh (Numbers 20:1–14) where again they are thirsty and complain that they need water. Moses strikes the rock again (a no-no this time) and they have water. And again Moses names the place “Meribah”

      This might be an example of one traditional story being told in two different ways, but the Jewish rabbis had a legend that since the rock is named “Meribah” in both places, that it was the same rock and that the rock actually followed the people of Israel from Rephidim to Kadesh.

“And so the well, which was with Israel in the desert, looked like a rock with the size of a sieve, surging and gurgling upward, as from the mouth of this flask, rising with them up on to the mountains and going down with them into the valleys. Wherever the Israelites would encamp, it made camp opposite to them, opposite to the Tent of Meeting.”3

      The Apostle Paul apparently knew of this legendary tradition. He draws from the story of the “rolling stone” in his letter to the church at Corinth: where he mentions the spiritual rock that followed them, and then declares that the rock was Christ. (1 Corinthians 10:4)

      The People Quarreled with Moses

      Moses, you are such a goddamn putz!

      Did you lead us out here to kill us

      with hunger and with thirst?

      Good grief! You are the worst!

      If we grouse it’s ‘cause we hate your guts.

      Exodus 17:2–4

      Moses the Dowser

      Moses was a bit of a wowzer,

      and before you object, note how sir:

      he swung his wooden rod,

      as instructed by God,

      and struck the rock just like a dowser.

      Exodus 17:6

      Strike the Rock, Don’t Strike the Rock. . .

      In Ex’dus seventeen it’s okay

      for Moses to strike the rock, but hey!

      In Numbers twenty when

      Moses does it again

      he’s barred from the Promised Land, oy vey!

      Exodus 17:6; Numbers 20:8–12

      No One Wants to See That

      When you construct an altar for prayers

      be certain to build it without stairs.

      Ascending you’ll expose

      that what’s covered by clothes,

      and no one should see your derrières.

      Or, even worse, it could be your fates

      as you worship with all of your mates

      to make a great error

      as you go up the stairs

      and reveal to the crowd your privates.

      Exodus 20:25–26

      Some Rules for Happy Polygamy

      Say your first wife’s a bit of a bore,

      and now you’re looking for something more;

      you may take a new wife,

      but for all of her life

      you must care for the first as before.

      Give her the food, and clothing, and rights

      just as she had before, with no sleights.

      Though you have a new bride,

      if the first is denied

      she may leave your ass one of these nights.

      Exodus 21:10–11

      God Loves Artists Best (or at least first. . .)

      Of course we know our God will impart

      his spirit to fill the human heart,

      but the first to be filled

      was a man who was skilled

      in creating great works of fine art.

      Exodus 31:1–6

      ‘Dat Ass

      Moses had but one favor to ask,

      “Lord, please let your face before me pass.”

      But Yahweh, he declined;

      showed aught but his behind.

      “Not my face, but I’ll show you my ass.”

      Exodus 33:18–23

      The Veil of Moses

      As Moses came down the mountain trail

      God’s glory on his face did prevail.

      The people, filled with fear,

      were afraid to draw near

      and screamed, “Moses, please put on a veil!”

      Exodus 34:29–35

2. Or Exodus 8:15 depending on your translation. The verse numbering for chapters 7 and 8 vary.

3. Tosefta Sukkah 3:11

      Leviticus

      Rabbits Refect

      There are some malicious reviewers

      who would put the Bible on skewers,

      but don’t get out of joint

      though they may have a point:

      rabbits technically aren’t cud chewers.

      Leviticus 11:3–6

      Rabbits do eat their partially digested fecal pellets, a process called refection. This is similar to, but not the same as, rumination or “cud СКАЧАТЬ