There Once Was a Prophet from Judah. Jeff Carter

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      and sacrifice his life.”

      So Abe obeyed without a question.

      But good God, and good grief, and God damn!

      What the hell’s wrong with you, Abraham?

      To follow as if blind

      a request so unkind?

      You’re lucky God provided a ram.

      Genesis 22

      Testify

      It was the custom, in days gone by,

      to place your hand here under my thigh

      to mark a solemn vow,

      but be sure to allow

      that it really means cupping the guy.

      Genesis 24:9; 47:29

      In a related note—the English word “Testify” comes from the same root as “Testicle.”

      Good for Sermons, Bad for Biology

      The Bible’s good for homiletics

      but it says little of genetics.

      Jacob’s trick with the rods

      is demonstrably flawed

      and displays questionable ethics.

      Genesis 30:25–43

      Who Sold Joseph to Whom?

      The elder sons of Father Israel,

      in a moment less than filial,

      sold their brother Jacob

      to the first passing mob,

      who were, by chance, the sons of Ishmael.

      But wait a minute, that isn’t right,

      there’s a slight contradiction in sight.

      In one of these lines I

      read he was rescued by

      a caravan of Midianites.

      Genesis 37:28, 36; 39:1

      Seed on the Ground

      T’was his duty and Onan was bound:

      get Tamar pregnant, her belly round.

      But Onan didn’t care

      to produce any heir

      and instead spilt his seed on the ground.

      Genesis 38:8–9

      Onan’s story is the perfect. . . seed for limericks.

      Thank you, Onan

      Oh, Onan, how you do amuse us.

      Because of you we get to discuss

      whether or not it is

      a great sin to spill jizz;

      thanks to your coitus interruptus.

      Genesis 38:9

      That’s How Mad Cow Disease Got Started, You Know. . .

      Pharaoh once had a dream unbenign,

      a dream that sent shivers down his spine.

      He saw something vile

      come up from the Nile:

      those cannibalistic river kine.

      Genesis 41:1–4 (KJV)

      Kine is the only plural form in the English language that does not share a single letter with its singular—Cow.

      The First Socialist

      Evangelical apologists

      must be well confirmed capitalists

      for there are very few

      who will admit to you

      that Joseph was the first socialist.

      Genesis 41

      Carry up My Bones from Here

      Prince Joseph from his deathbed intones:

      “Make for me in Egypt no headstones.

      You should do this instead,

      when I am cold and dead,

      go to the Promised Land with my bones.”

      Genesis 50:24–25

1. Eleazar, B. Yeabamoth 63a

      Exodus

      Hebrew Women Are not Like Egyptian Women

      Pharaoh instructed all the midwives:

      let no Hebrew boys be born alive,

      “But our women are strong,

      and it never takes long;

      they give birth before we arrive.”

      Exodus 1:15–19

      Seriously Understaffed Midwives

      It’s no wonder that when the Hebrews

      came to the time their babies were due

      the midwives weren’t around,

      there were few to be found;

      in all Egypt there were only two.

      Exodus 1:15, 19

      Strike!

      What’s the book of Exodus about?

      Why, it’s a labor story, no doubt:

      Pharaoh cruelly abused

      and exploited the Jews

      so they all went on strike and walked out.

      Exodus 2–12

      No Excuse for Papyrus

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