Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence. Leil Lowndes
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Название: Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence
Автор: Leil Lowndes
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Общая психология
isbn: 9780008138400
isbn:
Right Idea, Wrong Timing
Have you ever seen a nature film where a tiny flower bud grows taller in a few seconds? Two seconds later, it sprouts leaves. Another five seconds and exquisite petals open to receive the sunlight. The filming itself could have taken weeks. But we view the spectacle of nature in fewer than 30 seconds.
If Ralph’s host were a horticulturist rather than an emcee of debauched demonstrations, he would try to convince us that the flower buds actually blossomed in seconds.
For Ralph, it was the right idea, but the wrong timing. Gradually exposing someone to a feared object or situation definitely works – but not in an hour-long show. Mental health professionals call it ‘Graduated Exposure Therapy’. We’ll call it ‘GET’ for short.
With successful exposure, social situations no longer cue danger-based interpretation and anxiety.1
Easy Does It
Dr Bernardo Carducci, a highly respected therapist who has researched shyness for 25 years, tells of a patient called Margaret who was so petrified of spiders, she couldn’t walk anywhere except on a wide pavement.2 Her fear of spiders didn’t permit her to enter any building but her own home.
The therapist treated Margaret with Graduated Exposure Therapy. First he asked Margaret simply to write the word ‘spider’ repeatedly. Her next task, probably weeks later, was to look at pictures of spiders in a book. It was a giant step, and probably a long time later, when she was able to view spider in a glass box across the room. Ever so gradually, Margaret could come closer to the little critter in the box.
As her final victory, Margaret sat comfortably in a room with a spider crawling along the arm of her chair.
But this was no hour-long TV show. By the end of the first hour, Margaret was still trying to hold her pen steady while she wrote the word ‘spider.’ Film coverage of Margaret’s phobia and eventual cure would have made a rather humdrum TV show lasting probably several months. But at least it would be real.
Gradual exposure guides patients to confront feared situations and allows their fear to dissipate naturally. They interpret it accurately and gain essential skills. Patients gain a sense of safety through not prematurely escaping from, or avoiding social situations.3
Many Shys fail to shed their shyness because they think they have to force themselves to ‘just do it.’ They feel they need to accomplish the impossible, like winking at Mr Wonderful today or asking Ms Drop-Dead Gorgeous for a date tomorrow. Or swaggering into the boss’ office and demanding a pay rise. Therapists would call this technique ‘flooding’.4 But who wants to drown? Just dip your big toe in first and go for the proven cure: Graduated Exposure Therapy.
“ Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”
MARK TWAIN
Eat the Peaches at Your Own Pace
Your cure may be faster or slower than Margaret’s. You won’t have to sit down and write the word ‘party’ 100 times. Nor will I ask you to strut into a big bash tomorrow night. You will go at your own pace. But at least you know you’re not swallowing snake-oil.
The Magic Combo to Kill Shyness
Some Shys think that gradually exposing themselves to scary situations isn’t really the way to get over shyness. It’s only natural to rationalize your way out of something you don’t want to do. But it’s an open and shut case. Hundreds, no, thousands of studies have proven it. The most effective way to get over being shy is to plan personalized exposure situations. Always in the Kitchen at Parties will help you do this. Using these exposure techniques while learning social skills is the magic combo for stamping out shyness.
Social Anxiety Disorder subjects receiving combination treatment of graduated exposure to fear-provoking situations and learning other-focused social skills improved significantly more on measures of community functioning and therapist ratings than did subjects with any other treatments.2
I’m sure many people have told you, ‘You’ll just grow out of it’. Are they right? Think about it this way. Simply by living on this earth, you are exposed to more and more situations as the years go by. And, naturally, you pick up social skills along the way. So, in a way they are right.
But who wants to wait years to shed their shyness? Jump in now. With the help of Always in the Kitchen at Parties, you can start your graduated exposure process immediately. You’ll knock years off your suffering.
The Energy Crisis
Researchers at the American Sociological Association scratched their scholarly heads and posed themselves a question: ‘What type of personality are people most drawn to?’
They got on the case and quickly found the answer: Someone who is energetic and optimistic. Unfortunately these are not the qualities which immediately come to mind when you think of a Shy. In fact, one of the major obvious differences between a Shy and a Sure is energy level.1
Here is a way to rev up your engine so no one would ever suspect you’re a Shy.
First, Become Unglued
Can you imagine a premiership footballer running onto the pitch without warming up? He’d get slaughtered in the first 10 minutes. Without warming up, a ballerina would hobble home on a toe splint. And a singer, without warming up, would bust a vocal cord. Why should a Shy try to be any different? You need to warm up for confidence.
Let’s take an average day: You wake up. You clean your teeth. You shower. You get dressed. You eat breakfast. You walk out the door. Now a neighbour spots you. You utter a soft ‘Hello’ and quickly avert your eyes.
‘Hmm,’ she thinks, ‘If she looks like a Shy, sounds like a Shy and acts like a Shy, she must be shy.’
Now let’s change that scenario: You wake up. You clean your teeth. You shower. But this time you only don your pants. Now you look furtively round your bedroom and lock the door. You close the window and draw the curtains so the neighbours can’t hear or see you.
Of course, you’ve already taken precautions. If you live with people, perhaps your spouse, your flat-mate or kids, you’ve explained your bizarre behaviour. And don’t forget to familiarize the dog with this daily ritual so it doesn’t attack. Now …