Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence. Leil Lowndes

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       STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC

      Many of us listen to outrageous radio and television personalities. We elect outgoing politicians, we listen to extreme rock bands, adore scantily-clad sexy show-off girls. We flock in droves to the cinema to see bigger-than-life movie stars – and then stay up half the night to see them again on the Oscars.

      The highly sensitive person can feel like something’s wrong with them because they’re not a ‘look at me’ type. If you are a HSS, your brain functions differently from an extrovert’s. It takes you longer to process information. You think more deeply. You try to listen carefully and usually speak more slowly. A number of Highly Sensitive Shys prefer country living rather than a big city of racing ambulances and deafening discos.

      Does Being an Introvert Mean Being Shy?

      Definitely not. Unfortunately, however, our Western world does not recognize or reward introvert qualities as much it does extrovert. Because this can make introverts question themselves, there is a high crossover between introverts and Shys.

      Unfortunately, Shys often think they are not as smart or talented as the Sures. Stop! Wrong way! Go back! Countless studies have blasted the myth about shyness indicating stupidity. In many cases, it’s just the opposite.

       The majority of gifted children (60%) are introverts. In studies of intelligence, the higher the IQ, the higher the percentage number of introverts. A greater number of National Merit Scholars are introverted and they get higher grades in Ivy League colleges. 5

      What this says to a HSS is: Value your God-given qualities and don’t let anyone make you feel inferior because you don’t like to sit around with the gang and chew the fat, or leap into conversations before you’ve thought things through. Even extremely confident highly sensitive people need a little longer to process their thoughts. So give deserved worth to your inner world, and become comfortable with your quieter qualities.

      Wanted: Thinker, Artist, Philosopher – Must Be Shy

      HSSs usually are people of high integrity and compassion. They are not usually conspicuous leaders of crowds, but they are leaders by example: thinkers; advisors; healers. They are very fair and have many other qualities that make a positive impact on society.⁶

      Recently, an extremely successful yet soft spoken woman named Cheryl engaged me to do a speech in Phoenix, Arizona. While driving to the convention hall, I told her I was writing a book on shyness. A few weeks later, she sent me this e-mail:

       “ Leil, our conversation struck a familiar chord with me. I have struggled with ‘shyness’ all of my life, feeling like I’m marching to a different drummer than most of the world. I couldn’t understand why many of my schoolmates and co-workers enjoyed talking with lots of people and spending large amounts of time visiting. I preferred just one or two close friends, more intimate settings, and deeper conversation. I couldn’t figure out why I would rather remain in the background and think about a topic before speaking, while others would vocalize their thoughts without restraint. I couldn’t fathom how people who became my closest and dearest friends would later tell me that they thought I was ‘cold’ or ‘aloof’ upon first impression – but realized I was ‘anything but’ after they got to know me. I was very intelligent, always an honours student, and later an excellent businessperson. I truly liked people. But I couldn’t seem to get the hang of the whole socializing bit. I wondered if something was ‘wrong’ with me.”

       CHERYL – PHOENIX, ARIZONA

      Cheryl’s message continues with her self-discovery, her conclusions, and how she has come to lead a successful and joyful life within the framework of her more sensitive nature. It is very poignant but, due to its length, you will find the continuation of Cheryl’s letter in the notes (see here).

did I ‘catch’ a dose of shyness?

      Shake Your Family Tree for Signs of Shyness

      Can you inherit shyness? Again, the reliable and revered researchers have ascertained the precise and unassailable answer to this question: ‘Some do. Some don’t.’

      I don’t mean to be sarcastic. Like inheriting long legs or brown eyes, it’s a role of the dice whether you inherit shyness or not. However, a study called Childhood Shyness and Maternal Social Phobia found that children who had shy mothers are eight times more likely to be shy themselves. Twenty per cent of Shys have first-degree relatives with a phobia.¹

SHYBUSTER 5:

       Rummage Through Your Relatives

      Having a shy relative is another possible ingredient in your particular shyness recipe. If you are interested in doing some detective work, ask your whole family – even your third cousin twice removed – if he or she had a great-aunt or -uncle whose parents were shy. Every relative counts!

      If you’ve dug through your genealogy with a fine-tooth hacksaw and there are no suspects, there is yet another possibility.

      Is Shyness a Communicable Disease?

      You can’t ‘catch’ a case of shyness. However, if your guardians, even if they weren’t your parents, were shy, there is a greater chance you will be too, because we tend to imitate the people we are around, especially parental types!

       “ My wife and I adopted a son who seems to have a very outgoing personality. I am scared to death that unless I change the way I am, he will lose that part of him. I would love to be an outgoing role model for him.”

       SHELLEY – NEWCASTLE, ENGLAND

      A child hardly ever recognizes that a parent is shy.² It’s only these many years later that I realize that my mother was. One Thanksgiving when I was about 14, we were visiting a slew of relatives we hadn’t seen in a long time. Aunt Lucy was jabbering away. Uncle Charley had a turkey hat on his head (and, I now suspect, a few drinks under his belt). My other relatives were chattering simultaneously. And there was Mama, sitting as quiet as a clam, hands folded. And I, like a little clamlet, sat silently beside her.

      Parents, you are a role model for your kids. If you are shy, make an extra effort to whoop it up in front of your progeny. They will enjoy seeing you have fun and will follow your lead.

       “ I never had any friends because we lived out in the country on a farm and there weren’t many other kids who were my age around. The mothers of the other kids arranged a lot of times when they all got together to play. But my mother never did. When I got older, my Dad told me she was shy. Looking back, I wonder if the reasons I didn’t have many friends is because she was too shy, and wonder if that’s the reason she didn’t call the other parents.”

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