Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

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СКАЧАТЬ were learning English said.

      – Scheisse! – ‘Shit’ — Halt die Fotze! – Verdammte Scheisse! – ‘Holy shit!’– the Germans chanted.

      – Pa la Pinga jiho de la puta! – ‘Go to hell, you son of a bitch!’ – in Spanish.

      – Puzza! – (stink in Italian).

      – Mon tabarnac! Ta mere la pute! – ‘Your mother is a whore!’ the French yelled.

      – Ben zonA! – (son of a bitch). Ijot! – the local Jews concurred.

      And then with all the power that tape recorders can muster, from the bushes of the nearby dunes the booming Leontiev[63] voice shook the beach:

      The fogs of memories shields us; you are like in a dre-ee-am,

      like in a dre-ee-am.

      My only hope is my hang gli-i-der,

      my hang gli-i-der!

      – Ša-au-smas! – (Awful!) – mewed the Latvian speakers.

      No doubt that was the surface support party of the brave man.

      As was established later, the peace disturbing party were providing pointers for other aims of the ‘Brit’, fifty metres away. But at that moment the voice of Valery Leontiev screamed from below and the wings of the hand glider cut the air above with menacing intensity.

      – Arprats! – (That is mad! – in Latvian).

      The curses sent from the ground in all the different languages just gave more speed to the pilot. And that lasted until one of the frequent visitors of the resort coast decided to accept the challenge. As to be expected, and from the very first attempt, the macho man on the beach hit the raider with his volleyball. The wing of the foreign glider bent, and the pilot fell into the cold waters of the Baltic. In the next moment two motorboats were dispatched – to pick up the man overboard: one from the life guards’ station and another that was drifting in the bay not far from the site of the catastrophe. But the Balts weren’t in luck that day. The familiar sign PB flashed in front of their very eyes. Their motorboat was faster… It reached the man in the water earlier than the Latvian vehicles, snatched him up, and hid in the neutral waters.

      This ugly case could have stayed as a sorry, unsolved episode from the life of the resort. But soon Jurmala City Council received a letter from the central headquarters of the ‘Peeing British’ Club with apologies and explanations about the incident.

      The letter announced that the administration of the Club regrets that occurrence, and assures that there was no change in the Club’s attitude or behaviour, and none is planned. The letter noted that the pilot was a young member of the Club who had just recently bought the licence to practice independent flight, and that he had no intention to drizzle the people who legally enjoyed the rest and cure of the resort.

      He was aiming for a sculpture of a giraffe established in the villa ‘Adler’ situated in the dunes. ‘Adler’ used to belong to the former owners of the Parex bank, Valery and Tatiana Kargin.[64] His attention was attracted by a golden crown that decorated the giraffe’s horns. The crown was a symbol of Parex that they had put on a giraffe when they had to leave their home in the historical centre of Riga.

      They took the Parex crown from the giraffe after that case

      This shiny thing was the real target of the British pilot. Not unlike a magpie who is susceptible to all kinds of tinsel. As was discovered later he was one of the angered investors of Parex that had eventually gone bankrupt.

      Nevertheless, the administration felt obliged to inform of the following:

      ‘We have examined all the materials connected to the case; we considered the guilty party’s explanations, we interrogated the life guards, we watched the video of the flight recorded from the motor boat, and we studied the Baltic coast weather conditions on the stated date, such as the atmospheric pressure, the speed and the direction of the wind, the temperature in the different layers of the atmosphere, humidity, visibility, the medical weather type and many other factors. After careful consideration the administration of the Club have concluded, that the above-mentioned incident cannot be qualified as premeditated hooliganism from the ‘PB’ Club member. Regardless of all of the above the novice pilot’s licence will be suspended for the entire summer period and he will not be allowed to pilot for that period. He has been strictly reprimanded and shown that such thoughtless behaviour is unacceptable. He will have to take the additional pre-flight preparation for targeted planning and pay the increased price for the following examination.

      Your sincerely President of World Peeing British Club

      Signature Date’

      Furthermore, the following the letter also said that the Club offers public compensation for the inconvenience caused by its member. The Club will fund the more experienced pilots to take bags of the new kind of tulip bulbs, and spread them among the inhabitants of Jurmala for free, from the low-level flights. The administration expressed hope that such a gift would serve as their apology for the earlier embarrassment.

      In the Artistic Laboratories of the Show-biz[65]

      The most popular magazines were in a hurry to share the cheery news of a new star being born with their readers. One of them wrote on the cover: ‘Our most dashing thrill!’

      The latest information is concerned with the negotiations taking place about an international contest to award a title of ‘Mister Peeing Briton’ that will be held in Riga, in Brussels, and in England.

      The organisers didn’t envisage it as your typical Beauty contest. One couldn’t win it only on their good looks. This will be the contest of innovative manliness, the new ways of guest catwalk, tourist demeanour, the most effective ways of demonstrating the exclusive fashion, originality in club dance and so on. The winners will be awarded the miniature statues of gold – the Peeing Briton, silver – the Pee-peeing Briton, and bronze – the Pee-pee-peeing Briton. The winners will also be awarded tours to the Blockhead’s motherland, and establishment of a Peeing Briton sculpture at their registered place of residence. The list of the consolation prizes is no shorter and is just as varied. It includes figures of Blockhead from amber and semi-precious stones from the shores of Loch Ness, luxurious illustrated hard cover editions of the ‘Legends of the Briton’, shorts signed by Blockhead himself, and other things that the organisers prefer to keep silent about for the time being.

      Several of the world-famous fashion houses have now declared their willingness to participate in the contest. The well-known couturiers have harnessed the main elements of the style that associates with the dishevelled look of the ‘Peeing Briton.’ The new style has already been described as a ‘Peeing Fashion’.

      One of the first famous people who announced that he has started work on the new haute couture collection was the maestro Jean Paul Gaultier. He almost channels the free spirit of Blockhead СКАЧАТЬ