Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

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Chapter 5

      Introducing Sex into a Relationship

      IN THIS CHAPTER

      The early stages of a relationship can resemble taking a walk in the forest wearing blindfolds. You’re still learning each other’s signals and body language. You think you’re ready to have sex with this person, but you’re not sure they’re ready to have sex with you (or vice versa). What do you do?

In this chapter, I discuss that tricky subject of introducing sex into a relationship, including timing, safety concerns, and the important topic of consent.

MY TAKE ON “NO MEANS NO”

      I call myself old-fashioned and a square. I think that having to ask permission before doing something as harmless as reaching for your date’s hand is unnecessary. To me, having to ask about every little process in the dating game takes away too much of the romance. So asking for permission might ruin the moment, potentially ending the relationship before it has a chance to really get started. And yet I admit that in years past a lot of women were finding themselves being made very uncomfortable, or worse.

      The point of cultural changes, embodied in such phrases as “No means No” or “Yes Means Yes,” isn’t to make dating harder but rather to make sure that communications between two people in a growing sexual relationship function optimally. Sometimes that’s going to mean verbalizing a request, and other times that won’t be necessary. And most importantly, for this improvement in communications to take place, both halves of the couple have to be working in unison.

      I write about rejection in Chapter 4. Having a date pull away his or her hand is a form of rejection, without a doubt, but it’s not as harsh as being told, “No, I don’t want to hold your hand.” So I would hope that in the early stages of a relationship, at least, such physical cues will remain in your communications arsenal.

      Eventually these new rules are going to settle into an accepted pattern and the difficulties of adapting to them will lessen. They won’t totally disappear because some awkwardness is built into the process. But we’re in a period of transition, and so everyone just has to be extra patient as people don’t come with a label reading Level 1, 2 or 3, indicating how much of a stickler for the new rules he or she is.

      Before going any further into this subject matter, I’d like to go over a position that I hold with regards to “No Means No” that some consider a bit controversial. Of course I am totally against rape, but it’s because I’m so concerned about rape that I feel a woman must take every precaution and not rely on merely being able to say no.

      A woman who is naked in bed with a man is extremely vulnerable. To count on being able to say no in order to prevent unwanted intercourse is, in my opinion, too risky. That’s not to say that there aren’t scenarios where it is perfectly safe. If the two people have a good relationship, have engaged in sexual activity, and both of them understand that intercourse is not on the table, that is a different story. They’ve gradually come to this position and trust each other. The dangerous situation I’m alluding to is when two people don’t know each other that well — perhaps there is an added vulnerability provided by alcohol or drugs — and she willingly takes off all her clothes but hasn’t made up her mind to go all the way. I’m not excusing a potential rape, I’m just saying that the potentiality increases. Some men will stop at hearing no, but others won’t. It would be a rape, but they’re so sexually aroused that it clouds their sense of right and wrong.

      So my point is, if a woman absolutely wants to protect herself from being raped, she should never put herself in a position where her only line of defense is the word no. To me this is just plain common sense based on what I know about human behavior. And my conscience would bother me if I didn’t state my position as plainly as possible.

Determining When the Time Is Right

      There was a time when holding hands and kissing might be as far as a couple would go until they were married. Today those barriers have disappeared, and premarital sex is commonplace. In fact, with the way sex is depicted in the media and talked about in the locker room, there is actual pressure not to wait until marriage — or maybe even past the third or fourth date. But you shouldn’t let that pressure affect you.

       Your decision as to how far to go and when should be based on how you feel, not on the behavior of anyone else — certainly not fictional characters or gross exaggerations.

      But having said that doesn’t mean that you aren’t affected by peer pressure. If you’re wavering between yes and no, peer pressure will have a role in your final decision; there’s no avoiding that. To think that you’re immune to peer pressure would be foolish.

      Some people decide that it’s not worth arguing with themselves about when is the right moment to have sex and just take the plunge at the first opportunity. If the sex is good, that ends up being a plus on the side of this new relationship, and if it’s so-so or even bad, that might be cause enough to nip the relationship in the bud.

      IS HOLDING HANDS SEX?

      On the one hand, the question “Is holding hands sex?” seems silly, but there are many people today who don’t consider oral or anal sex as being sex, reserving that term for intercourse only, so the first point I’d like to make is that all physical contact falls on the continuum known as sex. And the continuum is different depending on who you are.

      If you’re an Orthodox Jew, shaking hands with someone of the opposite sex is forbidden, even though most people would never think of this gesture СКАЧАТЬ