Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

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       You have to listen to the other person.

       You have to communicate in such a way that you don’t cause a fight, which means no put-downs, no threats, no needling.

       You have to pick the time and place where communications work best. Don’t start talking about a problem when one of you is running out the door, late for work. All you will accomplish is a screaming match.

       Keep problems outside the bedroom. Don’t bring up problems about sex while you’re having sex; always bring up sexual problems outside the bedroom. Emotions are at a fever pitch when you’re making love, and if you add the wrong catalyst you can get an explosion. (Of course, if whatever you are doing is painful, then speak up. Whether you want to discuss it at the moment or try something different and bring it up later, don’t allow yourself to suffer unnecessarily.)

       Don’t argue about kids in front of them. Never argue about something having to do with the children in front of them. Doing so will give your children the wrong message and, if they choose sides, distort the final outcome. You should always present a united front when you talk to your children, even if you haven’t settled the disagreement. If you give children mixed messages, you can wind up with mixed results.

       Think before you speak. Think before you say something — if what you say will hurt the other person’s feelings, maybe you shouldn’t say it.

       Don’t be stingy with compliments. Everybody likes to hear good news, so pass it on. This idea is especially important if the other person has invested a lot of time and energy into a project, be it cooking a meal or washing the car.

       Make a date to talk. If you’re not finding enough time to communicate without planning for it, then make a date to talk. Certainly, if something pressing is on your mind, then you have to find time to talk it out. But even if you don’t have a particular problem to discuss, remember that, to keep those lines of communication open, you have to use them on a regular basis. Try to pick a time for conversation when the clock isn’t ticking. In other words, if your husband gets up early, don’t plan on talking to him when you get into bed because he’ll worry that it’s cutting into his sleep. On the other hand, if you really need to say something, and he has to take a shower, jump right in there with him. You are married, after all.

       Bring up pleasant memories. Going over the good times you shared together can be a soothing balm and help with the healing process of problems you’re currently experiencing. Don’t hide that wedding album in the back of a closet; instead, keep it out where it can serve as a reminder of one of the happiest days of your life.

       Go for walks: There’s no better time to discuss something than when you go for a stroll.You have privacy because only the two of you are there.You have few distractions. Leave your smartphone home (unless a real emergency is pending).By walking, you’ll be expending energy — energy that may otherwise be used in fighting. You’ll find that, if you discuss issues while being active instead of passive, you’ll be much less likely to squabble over the little things.

       Go out on dates: I know that if you have children finding the time and the money to go on dates can be hard, but having some extended periods of time that you can devote to each other is really important. If you don’t have any grandparents around, try to find another couple with whom you can exchange baby-sitting duties. If you can’t afford a fancy restaurant, go to McDonald’s, order your Big Mac to go, and park somewhere quiet for an hour or so. Better yet, make your own picnic lunch.

       Get a lock for your bedroom door: I’m always surprised to find couples who don’t have this little necessity. Your kids need to know that sometimes Mommy and Daddy want to be alone — just to talk or for other, more private reasons. A hook-and-eye type lock costs only about a dollar, and it can be the best investment you ever make. This not only offers you privacy, but it also teaches your kids that loving parents need their alone time too.

       Turn down the volume: Some people seem to always need background noise, be it the TV or music. Even if the noise is not loud enough to stop conversation, it’s still a distraction to conversation. Because time for communication is already short, both of you have to give each other your full attention if you want to really impart information. And when you get in your car together, don’t automatically put on some tunes. Drive time can be great conversation time.

       Organize and prioritize: With busy schedules, not getting scattered is hard. You keep saying “We’ll talk soon,” and even though you share the same living space, soon becomes later and later becomes never. Yes, you have things that you must do, but are they all more important than talking to each other? Make a list of what you have to do (dress the kids, walk the dog) and put conversation with your spouse as close to the top as you can. In fact, you should set aside some time every day, or at least every week, which is your time when you can talk about important matters. Make this a ritual for yourselves.

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