Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

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СКАЧАТЬ if someone rejects you because of some personal issue it probably meant the relationship wasn’t going to bear fruit so the sooner you know that, the better.

      Beware of age shock

      You’re familiar with the term “sticker shock” I’m sure. Something similar can take place when you’re of a certain age and you begin to date.

There are apps that are aimed at your age range, so that at least you’re not competing with people half your age or likely to have a date with one because you posted your high school yearbook picture instead of a more recent one. But there’s a bit of a danger in these, which I call age shock. What this means is that you might be setting your sights too high. While our bodies age, our personalities don’t keep up. We all feel like our younger selves, not the person we see in the mirror. But now this person across the table from you is the real thing, someone close to you in age. Can you look beyond the wrinkles to see the person underneath? It’s going to take a little effort, but try because the reward may be well worth it. And trying is going to entail accepting that age shock exists and that it’s something to overcome.

      Don’t lie about your age (or anything else)

      Very often people lie about their age as they get older. If you’ve worked hard to look younger, shouldn’t that give you permission to give Father Time a little shove? Or maybe, instead of your age, you’d rather make it seem you’ve been more successful than you have or blame your ex for a breakup that was a lot more your fault?

      There are several problems with lying. The first is that you always have to remember the lies you’ve told. You can’t be 51 one week and 49 the next. But the bigger problem is that if you’re seeking intimacy, lies put up barriers to personal connections. You’re not presenting the real you and you’re always going to be somewhat uncomfortable not being your true self.

      I’m not against white lies, lies told to benefit the other person, like telling someone they look good when you wouldn’t wear that top in a million years. But telling lies about yourself that are meant to deceive more often than not end up backfiring.

      

Here’s what I would suggest as an alternative: decline to answer certain questions. Your past doesn’t have to be an open book. In fact, there are some pages I’d definitely advise not showing. Telling a new partner that your old partner was better in some way — in bed, physically, careerwise — is going to cause this person to feel bad, so better to keep your mouth firmly shut on these topics. And while you’re at it, if you’re asked your age or how many partners you’ve had or whatever question that might make you feel uncomfortable, just decline to answer. Yes, this new person is going to be curious and the question is bound to crop up again, but maybe as the relationship deepens, assuming that it does, your comfort level will grow as well, and you can reveal more. But I’m just advising you that often the better course is not to say something than to lie.

      Think positive

      In younger people, hope springs eternal. The older we get, the wiser we may become but also the more jaded. It’s easy to give off negative vibes instead of positive ones. And that can start on your app profile. If you begin by stating everything you don’t like, even basic items like no smoking or drugs, you’re affecting how anyone looking at your profile will judge you. That’s not to say that somewhere along the way you can’t mention a few no-nos, but don’t lead off with them and keep the list as short as possible.

       The more enthusiasm you show in your profile, the more enthusiastic is the response likely to be. And that’s true whatever your age.

Practical Dating Tips for All Ages

      When you picture two people on a date the first thought that pops into your head is probably either meeting for drinks or dinner. Both are good options because they provide an atmosphere conducive to conversation. But when you’re getting to know someone, conversation can be a little difficult because you don’t have a common history that is useful in pushing a conversation forward. So perhaps you should consider alternative venues for your dates.

      I spoke to one young man who likes to take first dates to play miniature golf. It’s an activity, so right away you have something to talk about, i.e. the game you’re playing. But it doesn’t take a lot of concentration, and you’re in close proximity so you can also talk about other subjects.

      Dating well while spending less

      Miniature golf is also inexpensive, as would be going for a walk in the park, bowling, or meeting at a Starbucks. Because of the dating apps, some people go on a lot of dates, and that can lead to a lot of money being spent. And since it’s often the man who picks up the tab, that can be a financial burden. But even if you always share the cost, after a while it can add up.

      “So how much does a beer at a bar cost?” you might be saying to yourself. You’re right, not that much but there’s another aspect to changing the setting of your dates. If Tinder has led some young lady you date to have ten dates in the last month, and nine of them were at a bar, she’s more likely to remember the date that took place at a miniature golf establishment. So you not only save money but also add to the impact you make.

      Adding creativity

      Another trap that you can fall into if you go on a lot of dates because of an app is that you get jaded. The questions you’ll be asked will all be similar, and so when you’re giving your answers, you’ll be bored saying the same thing over and over. So I suggest you find ways to add some creativity to these first dates.

      One way would be to bring a book. (I know, you normally read books on your phone, but bear with me.) If you’re the first one to arrive, the book gives you something to do besides look at your phone, and remember, I want you not to be thinking about all the distractions on your phone, so if it’s put away, you’ll be better off. And then by putting a book down on the table, it’s almost a given that it will be the first subject of discussion.

      You need to choose the book carefully. The subject matter should be one that interests you and about which you have a lot to say. If the book is about science, a topic you’re passionate about, and your date turns out to share that passion, the date will be starting off on the right foot.

      Or let’s say your biological clock is ticking and you’re looking to find a potential father, bringing a magazine that has an article on raising children would be a lead-in to that topic. If the person opposite you indicates in words or body language that having children isn’t something that appeals to him or her, then you’ll know that this date won’t pan out for you.

Should You Have Sex On a First Date?

      Let me end this chapter with a question that’s on the mind of many people, whether or not you should have sex at the end of a first date. While I can’t say that you should never do that, I would advise against it.

      Remember, to me, a date is the first step towards forming a long-lasting relationship. The slower that process, the better. If you rush into anything, you’re more likely to make a mistake. If you give yourself СКАЧАТЬ