Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

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Finding the Right Partner: Difficult, Yes; Impossible, No

      Although I’ll never say that finding a partner is easy (because I certainly faced my own difficulties as a young woman who was an orphan and only 4 feet, 7 inches tall), I will make one assertion — it’s not impossible. Believe it or not, that’s a very big distinction. Sitting in my office chair, I’ve heard too many people say that they can’t find a partner. But that’s just not so. Everyone can find a partner, even a wonderful partner. If you’ve been unable to find the right partner, you may just be going about it the wrong way.

      This section covers some common scenarios and pitfalls. Change your thinking and avoid the traps for a better shot at finding love. (For more tips on finding a partner, check out Dating For Dummies, 3rd Edition, by Dr. Joy Browne (Wiley]).

      Common mindsets and habits of unsuccessful dating

      Why do some people seem to have no problems finding dates, and others never seem to be successful? While it’s easy to blame external factors like your weight or looks or the negative qualities of every other single person you run into, it’s a lot more likely that the real guilty party is your approach to dating. Here are some examples of what you might be doing wrong, assuming that you’re not meeting with any success when it comes to finding a match.

      The dreamers

      Here’s an example of a search for love that was doomed from the start:

       Lonely Lisa

       Lisa came to see me because she couldn’t find a man. She was desperate, but what kind of help did she come to me for? What she most wanted from me was to get her a date with a certain very famous TV star. Not only do I not know this star, not only would I not do such a thing if I did know him, but where in heaven’s name did she get the idea that this star was waiting for her to walk into his life? She was setting herself up for lonely nights by choosing such a totally unrealistic goal.

      Whatever you think of Lisa, you have to understand that she’s not alone. Oh, not everybody has their eyes set exclusively on one TV or movie star (although certainly millions of people fantasize about stars, and doing so is alright), but many of you may have a certain image of the person you want, oftentimes an unrealistic image, so you wind up just as lonely as Lisa.

      If you base your selection on only one aspect of a person, such as looks or job title, doing so ensures that you miss out on meeting some very nice people who may not fit into the one cubbyhole in which you are looking.

      The doormats

Be careful not to become so blinded by looks, money, power, or position that you don’t see when someone is using you. People who let themselves be used tend to fall into the same trap again and again, seemingly unable to learn from their mistakes. When you allow people to use you, not only do you endure terrible heartbreak, you also waste valuable time. You meet plenty of people who can be great partners, but you don’t recognize them as such. Years go by and, instead of having spent them with someone who cares about you, you spend them alone, with brief interludes of make-believe happiness dating people who turn out to be in the relationship only for themselves. Paul’s story illustrates how easily you can fall into the trap of being used but not loved:

       Heartbroken Paul

       When Paul came to see me, he was absolutely heartbroken. He’d been dating this gorgeous woman for the last three months. She wanted to become a model, and Paul had used some connections to open some doors for her. One evening, he took her to a party that a number of people in the fashion industry attended. They met a top photographer, who immediately took a liking to this woman. Predictably, she dropped Paul flat and left the party with this other man.

      This wasn’t the first time that Paul had allowed a woman to walk all over him. I told him that unless he changed his ways, it wouldn’t be the last time, either.

      Paul needed to identify his problem in order to keep himself from repeating it over and over again. To be successful in the dating game, you must analyze your faults in order to figure out how to navigate the dating scene so you end up with someone who satisfies your needs while you satisfy theirs.

      

By the way, one of the worst ways of falling into this trap is to date someone who is already married. There are those who spend years deeply in love with someone who is completely unavailable to them. They hope and dream that the love of their life will divorce his or her spouse and come rushing permanently into their arms, but 99 times out of 100, that doesn’t happen. Instead, years and years go by with many more nights filled with tears than happiness.

      The time-wasters

      Let me delve a little bit further into the subject of wasting time and offer some advice to those of you who are always waiting to win the dating lottery — some without even buying tickets.

      Time-wasters fall into two basic categories: People who always have a string of excuses for not looking for a mate:

       I have to lose a few more pounds.

       I have to redecorate my apartment.

       I have to look for a new job.

       I have to get my bachelor’s degree (and then my master’s and then my doctorate).

If you’re one of these people, you can end up wasting your entire life waiting for the right moment to look for a partner.

      People who don’t make excuses but who won’t lift a finger to help themselves are in another category of time wasters. They think that they’re owed a partner and so don’t need to put in any effort into finding one. That’s nonsense. If you want something in this world, you have to make an effort to get it, and the more effort you put into the search, the better will be your rewards.

      In olden times, when families lived near one another, a whole network of people was looking to make matches for single people. Nowadays, as people move around so much, those networks have been erased. You have to make up for that loss by putting your own network together, piece by piece. At the very least, you can make some new friends. At best, you can find someone you love and who loves you.

      If you really want to find a partner, you have to go out there and look for one. Make yourself available. Go to parties. Throw parties! Tell everybody you know that you’re looking. If the apps haven’t worked go to a matchmaker, if that’s what it takes. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

      

Should you use every avenue, from meeting people in bars through chatting in cyberspace? Absolutely. But as with all anonymous dating, you have to be extremely careful. Even the absolute worst blind date, the one with thick glasses and buck teeth, comes with a reference — somebody whom you know knows who they are and where they live. The people you meet impersonally can easily hide their true identities, and if they’re out to harm you, they can do so with little risk (see Chapter 17).

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