Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

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       Don’t rush anything. Spend time getting to know each other through e-mail and over the phone before you meet in person.

       Make sure that the first time you meet is in a well-lit public place, such as a restaurant or popular bar. (See Chapter 17 for more tips on your first face-to-face meeting with someone you meet online.)

       Don’t be too quick to give out personal information. It may be best to give only a daytime office number or cell phone number at first.

       Take a cab home from that first date — by yourself.

      Remember, it’s a jungle out there, and you’re not Tarzan.

      The love-at-first-sight syndrome

      Another group of people who can end up being miserable are those who suffer from the love-at-first-sight syndrome. The French call it le coup de foudre — the bolt of lightning — and rarely do people get hit by lightning (thank heavens!). Undoubtedly, love at first sight does happen: Two people meet at a party, ride off into the sunset (or dawn), and live happily ever after. For those lucky few, the experience is great. But for so many others, waiting for love at first sight brings only misery.

      If you find yourself wanting nothing less than an instant attraction, you may just be avoiding the time and work required to build a successful relationship. When you’ll accept either love at first sight or nothing, be prepared for some problems.

      You may stare into the eyes of a million people and never see those sparks fly. Or the two of you may lock eyes on a passing bus and never see each other again. Before it ceased publication, every week in New York City’s Village Voice you could find ads placed by people looking for that special someone of whom they caught only a fleeting glimpse. Some people believed those ads were romantic; I think they’re sad. People who indulge these kinds of delusions often wind up old and alone.

      While you’re waiting for your Venus or Adonis to appear, you’re not giving other people a chance; even though, with time, one of them may turn out to be your one true love.

      You may find yourself always falling in love with people who don’t love you back.

      Believing in yourself and taking charge

      Many of the problems that people have in finding a partner come from low self-esteem. If you don’t believe that you are worthy of finding a partner, then making it happen becomes very difficult. You may end up in time-wasting situations as a way to sabotage your chances of finding someone just because you don’t really believe that you deserve that someone.

      But you do deserve that certain someone. And you can take control of your life and make the changes necessary within yourself so you can turn those interpersonal failures into successes. You have to find out how to pull your shoulders back, hold your head high, put a smile on your face, and go out there and conquer the world. You can do it!

      Okay, enough with the negative stories. Now I want to give you a positive one to show you at least one way that you can accomplish your goal of finding a partner.

       Anthony and Rose

       Anthony was about ten years older than Rose when they met. He’d been looking for someone who would make a good mother for his children, and as far as he was concerned, Rose was it. Anthony didn’t have any doubts, and he was intent on marrying the girl he had his sights on.

       Anthony didn’t just take Rose on dates. He took her to the fanciest restaurants. And Anthony didn’t send flowers only on Valentine’s Day. Rose would receive enormous bouquets almost every day at her office.

       Rose liked Anthony, but when he started showering her with all this attention, she wasn’t quite prepared. She hadn’t been thinking of getting married just yet, but it was obvious from the way Anthony was treating her that a wedding was on his mind.

      Rose had had boyfriends before, but nobody had ever treated her like Anthony did. She was very flattered by all the attention he showed her, but she also realized that if he asked her to marry him and she said no, he would probably move on. He had fully committed himself to his quest, and he wasn’t the type to accept no for an answer and then just hang around.

      It wasn’t until the moment that Anthony actually popped the question that Rose made up her mind. She knew that Anthony was a one-in-a-million find, and she decided that she’d have a hard time doing better — besides, she found that she loved him — so she said yes. And as far as I know, they’ve been living happily ever after.

      Giving in totally to your emotions, by diving right in without holding anything back the way Anthony did makes you feel a lot freer, especially for you guys reading this. For example:

       You don’t have to put on a show for your friends, pretending that you don’t care all that much.

       You don’t have to tell jokes about your date behind her back, which you later regret when you’re actually holding her.

       You don’t have to feel bad because you’re going dancing with your girl rather than watching the game with the guys.

She hasn’t wrangled you into marrying her. You’re the one who made the choice, who made the commitment to marry this woman, and you’re happy to live by it. Being able to say to somebody, “I love you” — that’s real freedom. Only giving a piece of yourself, rather than your whole self, means that you’re tied down to a sham, and that ends up being a shackle around your ankle.

      Remember, you can’t be tied down to a marriage with somebody if you’re the one who tied the knot.

If You're North of the 29th Parallel

      There’s no doubt that the older you are, the harder it is to meet other single people. Many of those your age are married. And many of those who aren’t have some underlying issue which explains why they’re single. And then everyone who is single for a long time develops habits that make him or her more particular. While you might have tolerated dating a slob at age 25, you absolutely won’t at age 55.

      Another factor that changes as you age is that relationships lead to sex, and sex has changed for you. You can read more about that in Chapter 19, but I admit that some of those changes are easier to handle when you’ve been in a committed relationship for a long time than when you’ve only just met someone. Yes, age-related changes affect everyone, so your date is also running into some technical glitches, but your tendency is going to be to focus on your issues, not that of the other person.

      The best advice I can give you is to be honest. If you’re a woman who needs lubrication, don’t suffer by pretending you don’t. If you’re a man who needs the assistance of a little blue pill, which needs to be taken ahead of time, let your partner know why you’re stalling. Sharing feelings of embarrassment can actually bring you closer together while faking it, in whatever way, will make true intimacy harder to find.

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