Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

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СКАЧАТЬ said the witch. ‘I have something important to tell you. You know the Winter Gardens, which lie beyond the palace walls?

      Well, they are very nice. But take heed, for

      a dreadful fellow lurks deep within those

      gardens, waiting to trap the unwary! It is the

      Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling

      muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on

      his fingers, and he has proud boots. Beware the

      Gypsy King, child, beware the Gypsy King!’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

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      ‘Gypsy King?’ she laughed. ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she ran to explore the gardens, for they were her greatest joy.

      When Princess Snowflake was six years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

      ‘Uh oh,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘here we go again.’

      ‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You

      know the Winter Gardens? Well, they are

      very nice. But from time to time they are visited

      by one who seeks to harm the unwary! Yes, it is

      the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling

      muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings

      on his fingers, and he has proud boots.’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

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      ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King!’ she laughed. ‘I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she went to raid the kitchens for her favourite cakes – marzipan disobediences. She didn’t like how they tasted, she just liked

      the name. Princess Snowflake stuffed herself

      silly with marzipan disobedience cakes, and off she ran to explore the gardens once more.

      When Princess Snowflake was seven years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

      ‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You know the –’

      But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

      ‘Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,’ she said. ‘King of the Pixies or something, nasty

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      bloke, don’t go near him, blah blah blah. I don’t

      need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

      And off she ran to explore the gardens, slipping on the icy floor and almost colliding with a little hedgehog called Chomley.

      With each passing year Princess Snowflake grew more reckless, wandering further and further into the gardens to explore. The witches despaired, but there was nothing to be done and in the end, they gave up even trying to keep her indoors. ‘For she has a mind of her own, that girl,’ said one. ‘Which is fine, it’s just that sometimes it’s quite an annoying mind.’

      One day shortly after her eleventh birthday, Princess Snowflake was exploring a part of the gardens she hadn’t been in before, her faithful spaniel, Gooseberry, at her side. Merrily she skipped along, scoffing her marzipan

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      disobediences, Chomley the hedgehog racing

      after her to guzzle up the scraps.

      Oh, how beautiful the gardens were! Waxy

      green holly bushes lined the pathways, so that it

      always felt like Christmas. Thick pines and fir trees

      rose all around, like something from a picture

      book, and the flowerbeds were bursting with

      every sort of winter plant and herb imaginable:

      snowdrops and white pansies; snapdragons and

      turkeybane; Shoveller’s Delight and puff-puff-

      mcguffs;inside-out Nigels, wizard-foot, beards of

      Persia, frogleytumps, moth-whipper – and many

      more besides. Everything sparkled with a layer of

      diamond-dusty white, and the only sounds were

      the crunching of the snow underfoot and the

      soft breeze whispering in the branches.

      At length, Princess Snowflake came to a

      little wooden bench set back from the path,

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      and there she sat herself down to watch the world go by. The witches had put up signs all around the bench, saying:

      BEWARE THE GYPSY KING!

      and

      DANGER! THE GYPSY KING IS

      KNOWN TO OPERATE IN THESE PARTS!

      and

      YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET NOT

       READING THESE SIGNS ONE OF THESE

      DAYS, YOUNG LADY, IN FACT I BET

      YOU’RE NOT EVEN READING

      THIS ONE RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU?

      ‘No, I’m not,’ said Princess Snowflake, which was true, because she wasn’t.

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      Presently a deer bounded by with a big ‘D’

      painted on its side. Then

      another one with an

      ‘A’. Then another, with

      an ‘N’. Then another,

      with a ‘G’. Then

      another, with an ‘E’. And then

      one more, with an ‘R’ СКАЧАТЬ