The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison

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      Monday November 1st

      Back to School

      Sacré bleu, merde and double poo

      At “breakfast”

      7:50 a.m.

      Angus is on his lead, yowling, tied to the kitchen table. It’s like having a police car in the kitchen. He was brought back under armed guard this morning. The lynch mob only managed to get him because he tried to get in through Mr Across the Road’s catflap. To see his beloved sex kitten. No one seems to appreciate the romance of the situation. Angus had even taken Naomi a midnight snack of half chewed haddock fillet. How romantic is that?

      Vati has got a job interview this morning. With my luck he’ll turn up serving hot dogs in a van outside school. With, as a coup d’état, Uncle Eddie as his assistant. Anyway, it means that Angus lives to polish his trombone another day.

      Vati gave me a kiss on the head as he left!! Erlack!! I’ve asked him to respect my personal space. Well I said, “Please don’t touch me as I don’t want to be sick down my school uniform.”

      I made for the door before anyone else could kiss me – I had seen the state of Libby’s mouth after her cornflakes and Jammy Dodger. As I went through the door Angus made a desperate bid for freedom. He was fastened to the kitchen table leg but that didn’t stop him. He dragged the table along with him. It really made me laugh because one minute Mum was eating her cornies on the table and the next minute the table and cornies were gone.

      8:15 a.m.

      Slouch slouch.

      I saw Jas outside her gate. She was turning her skirt over at the top to make it short for the walk to school. We unroll as we approach Stalag 14 because of the ferret on guard there (Hawkeye). She lurks around the school gates like a lurking lurker. Hawkeye’s life ambition is to give us bad conduct marks for breaking useless school rules. That’s how fabulous her life is.

      Anyway I crept up behind Jas and yelled, “Bonjour, sex bombe!!!” and she nearly had a nervy spaz. Which was very funny.

      I wasn’t looking forward to facing le music. This was my first day back since I had been unjustly banned from school because Elvis Attwood had carelessly tripped over his wheelbarrow and injured himself. OK, he was chasing me at the time, but …

      When we reached the school gates I didn’t even do anything annoying with my beret. Even Jas noticed. She said, “Gee, you’ve got your beret on properly.”

      “That is because for the time being the party is over, Jas. You may also notice that I am not wearing lip gloss.”

      “Crikey.”

      As I slinked through the gate to Nazi headquarters Hawkeye was there like an eagle on heat. She hates me. I don’t know why. I am victimised by her. That is the sadness of life. As I went by her, she said, “Walk properly.”

      What does that mean? Walk properly? As an amusing example of my hilariosity, I did a bit of a limp. Hawkeye shouted after me, “Georgia, don’t earn yourself a reprimand before you even get your coat off! As soon as assembly is over report to Miss Simpson’s office.”

      She is such a stiff! I said to Jas, “I bet she irons her knickers.”

      Jas started to say, “What is so wrong with that…?” but I had gone into the lavatory.

      I sat down on the loos. Same old bat time, same old bat place. Good grief. In my despairosity I said out loud to myself, “What in the name of pantyhose is the point?”

      A voice from the next loo said, “Gee, is that you?”

      It was Ellen. I grunted. But she was all chatty. Just because she’s been to the cinema with Dave the Laugh. A dumpee of mine.

      She said through the wall, “Do you know what Dave says when he is leaving? Instead of saying goodbye?”

      I wasn’t remotely interested. I thought if I flushed the loo she might get the hint but she didn’t.

      “He says, ‘Well, I’m off then. I’m away laughing on a fast camel.’ ”

      And she absolutely pissed herself laughing.

      What is the matter with her? Away laughing on a fast camel?

      Assembly

      9:00 a.m.

      Fab news! Slim told us that some nutcase from Tampax the sanitary towel company is coming to talk to us in a few weeks’ time. About “reproduction”. Lord save us.

      Slim also said Mrs Tampax would be answering any questions we might have about “growing up and so on”. Hahahahahahaha. Hell could freeze over before I would ask Mrs Tampax about my girlie parts.

      After Slim had bored us to death for half an hour everyone else went off to English and I lolloped off slowly to her office for a spot of mental torture. I wasn’t the only one waiting for a duffing: Jackie and Alison, the Bummer Twins, were sitting around in her anteroom. They looked at me when I sat down.

      Jackie said, “Oohhhh! What have you been up to, Bignose?”

      She must die, she must die.

      Then we heard the sound of a distant elephant (Slim) and Jackie stubbed out her fag and popped in a mint.

      Slim said, “Come through, Georgia.” Then she sat down at her desk and started writing. I just stood there. How many times had I been in this room for no good reason? Millions.

      To pass the time I pretended in my head that I was Parker, Lady Penelope’s chauffeur in that СКАЧАТЬ