Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield

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СКАЧАТЬ you will find it hard, as indeed I did. Often the best we can hope for is that when we hear ourselves say them, we stop, say sorry and rephrase what we wanted to say. For example:

      ‘Is this what you call early?…Oh, sorry, that was unnecessarily sarcastic…Seriously, I have been very worried about you. You said you would be in early and I assumed that meant before 11.30.’

      ‘One day you’ll be sorry…the way you carry on, you’ll become a…Oh God, I sound like my father…sorry, that wasn’t very helpful, I was just sounding off because I am worried.’

      ‘So, that’s in fashion, is it?…Sorry, that’s a put-down. I was a bit taken aback, it looks odd to me, but then I am over 40!’

      ‘Oh, I see, that’s tidy – I didn’t realize…Sorry I shouldn’t be sarcastic. I know you have tidied it, but you have forgotten to remove the coffee mugs and your boots and coat are still on the chair.’

      ‘Whenever I come sailing in with a new hairstyle, I can read the disapproval on their faces, and I can be sure someone will ask what film star I’m trying to imitate. My reply that it is my own invention is greeted with cynicism.’

      Anne Frank

      Rule 5: Review the ‘Rulebook’ Jointly and Frequently

      ‘The joy of being young is to disobey – but the trouble is, there are no longer any orders.’

      Jean Cocteau

      Of course no self-respecting teen loves rules. Indeed, an essential part of their growing-up job is to hate them and break them!

      Perhaps you feel that your child has been doing just this from the moment he or she could walk or talk! If so, you may well wonder why rules should suddenly become such a special ‘issue’ at this time. The reason is that during their teen years, testing them takes on some different and quite specific extra functions.

      In their earlier years, children test rules either to get more attention from those who care for them or to establish a sense of security. ‘Pushing the limits’ gives them the confirmation that they are still being seen and heard and it helps them to map out their safety zones. It is a way of finding out where they can go and what they can say without getting hurt or losing the love of their carers.

      The moral implications of rules pass younger children by. This is quite simply because it isn’t until adolescence that our brains develop their capacity for abstract reasoning. So, until this time most children do not have the neural equipment to allow them to grapple with intellectual concepts. This means that although they may know what the world thinks is right and wrong, they cannot understand why they should or shouldn’t do something. Once they reach teenhood, testing the ‘rulebook’ becomes a tool which they can use to explore moral ideas and beliefs. (Provoking you into argument is of course another popular way of doing the same thing!)

      Discovering their own belief system is part of the quest for self-knowledge. (Self-knowledge is one of the essential elements of inner confidence, which we discussed earlier. See page 5.) Teenagers naturally experience an urge to find out what kind of person they are or want to be and to establish their own set of consistent values and beliefs. If they complete this task, they will then be able to act quickly and decisively on their own. In contrast, children who don’t discover their own belief system will always be dependent on others to help them make difficult decisions and let them know what is a right and what is a wrong course of action to take.

      Furthermore, not only do children need to challenge the rulebook in order to firm up their inner confidence, they need to do so for their outer confidence as well! If our children were to become the acquiescent saints that we sometimes wish they would be, how would they learn the invaluable skills of debate, negotiation, assertiveness and emotional control?

      These are, after all, essentially practical skills and they cannot be learned effectively in a theoretical way. Teenagers need to use a hands-on experimental approach – with you, the parents, as the ideal guinea pigs! You are the close-at-hand authority figures and have already proved your unconditional love innumerable times before.

      There is no escaping the challenges of the ‘rulebook’ if you truly want a confident teen!

      Of course it is tempting to try and avoid the trials and tribulations that obviously result from working through this particular stage of development. Many parents would say that their lives are difficult enough without having to turn their home into a battleground of wills. So it is not surprising that they opt out by, for example, doing one of the following:

      – throwing away the rulebook: ‘Okay, it’s your life…you make a mess of it if you want to…I don’t mind…you’ll soon find out on your own…I don’t know what’s right or wrong these days…you’ve got a key, do what you like…’

      – handing over the task to someone else: ‘Wait till your father gets home…I wonder what your teacher is going to say when I tell him…I didn’t make the rules…it’s the law – a matter for the police…God is your judge, not me…’

      – taking a ‘sickie’: ‘My head’s hurting, I can’t argue…you’ll kill me if you carry on like this…I’m too stressed…’

      Hopefully, you haven’t yet succumbed to the temptation of going down one or other of these routes. Establishing and enforcing rules and boundaries are very much part of our parental responsibilities. Confidence cannot be built in an environment without them. It would be too scary and too risky. A light scorching of fingers can be informative and ‘character building’, but burning them can be discouraging and possibly dangerous. For example, if a teenage boy gets really drunk the night before a football match – and consequently plays badly – this can teach him an important lesson about the effects of alcohol abuse, whereas if a teenager secretly raids the forbidden drinks cabinet for ‘Dutch courage’ before driving, this could have dangerous consequences. Similarly, if a 13–year-old girl stays up most of the night listening to music and gets a late mark as a result, this can teach her a lesson about being more responsible, but if a 16–year-old girl skips the ‘curfew’ for an all night party before a crucial exam, this could have discouraging consequences for later years.

      I cannot guarantee that reviewing the rulebook frequently with your teen will dramatically reduce the hassles associated with this important parental task. But it will certainly help your child develop confidence in the process – and that has to be some kind of compensation! And looking ahead, another reassuring fact to keep in mind is that research has shown that the more young people are involved in this kind of decision making, the more likely they are to develop the same attitudes as their parents in late adolescence.

      ‘By slowly making your house rules more flexible, you give your teenager both freedom and safe limits…so the goal is not to abandon the playpen altogether but to gradually enlarge it.’

      Steve Chalke, The Parentalk Guide to the Teenage Years

       Top Tips

      • Clarify your own values – do this on your own or with your co-parent or friends before you enter any discussion with your teen. You need to clarify in your own mind which rules are non-negotiable. These will be the ones which protect and support the core values and principles by which you want to lead your life and bring up your family.

      Why not test yourself now by listing:

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