Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield

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      ‘I know that you are not always hungry at the same time as us, but do you remember when we talked about this on the way to town last month? I explained why I felt so strongly that it should be one of our family rules that we all sit down for a meal together at least three or four times each week. This seems to be the best way for us to keep up with each others’ lives. It’s very important to me that we don’t become strangers that pass in the hall. It can so easily happen now that you are all growing up and are understandably out so much.’

      ‘I appreciate that you do not like doing the washing-up, but I remember when we were talking about values last week – you were saying that justice was a key one for you…that’s why we agreed to have a rota.’

      • Don’t beat about the bush – ‘Call a spade a spade’ as they say in Yorkshire, where I lived for much of my adulthood. Don’t be shy of the word ‘rule’. Don’t skirt around the subject. Be clear that a rule is what it is. It means that certain behaviour is unacceptable, rather than just merely disliked.

      Don’t ever assume that because ‘everyone’ knows that you have ‘strong views’ on a certain subject, they will automatically know that there is an unwritten rule.

      For example, if your teenager knows full well that you don’t like smoking or swearing, don’t assume that means that they know that they or their friends are not allowed to smoke or swear in the house.

      Similarly, they may know how seriously you view their academic work and how strongly you feel about the importance of homework. They may even respect you for your concern and fully agree with you. But, you may still need to clearly establish that one of the house rules is that homework is to be completed every night before starting any social activity. So instead of saying, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework before going out when you know how important it is’, you could try saying something like, ‘We both believe that your academic work has to have top priority at the moment. Can we agree that doing your homework before coming down to watch TV is one of our rules?’

      • Check in advance that you both know what the penalties are for breaking the rules – don’t find yourself in the position of trying to think these up in the heat of the aftermath. Aim at trying to get their agreement to the penalty whenever you can. For example:

      ‘So, we agree that you will be in by 10 pm on weekdays and that if you are not you will forfeit your right to stay out till midnight on Saturdays.’

      • Choose a time when you are both positive and relaxed to do your reviews – as I write this, I can hear imaginary voices laughing derisively at this suggestion! Of course times like these are rare at your stage of family life, but at least you can try not to do the opposite! Refuse to get into a discussion about rules in the middle of an argument or late at night when your energy levels are low. If your teen tries to provoke you into an argument on the subject at an inappropriate time (and they will!), keep calm and repeatedly suggest a time when you would be able and willing to talk. For example:

      ‘I appreciate you think you have done your fair share, but I don’t want to discuss the cleaning rota now – we’re both het up and tired. Let’s talk about it over a coffee when you come in from school tomorrow. I’ll make sure I’m back early.’

      • Demonstrate your willingness to bend the rules occasionally – but only on an advance notice basis and if they come prepared with a good argument to back up their case. It will give their confidence a terrific boost if they feel they can sometimes make you relax the rulebook. For example:

      ‘So you feel it is a special occasion and you have been working really hard without a break for two weeks…I suppose you have a point. Let’s say tonight’s an exception then.’

      But don’t always expect the favour to be returned. This is a game about power and don’t forget that its cards are heavily stacked in your favour most of the time.

      ‘I remember being let off our chores during exam times – this was really good ‘cos it showed mum and dad were really focused on us and our needs.’

      young adult

      ‘We were too over-confident about bringing up our fourth child. Our biggest mistake was to relax, having coasted rather easily with the first three. She needed firmer boundaries than the others. After one scary near-miss incident we talked and talked and established new ground-rules. Things improved gradually over the next six months without any pressure from us.’

      parent (now leader of a parent support group)

      Rule 6: Aim to Strike a Deal in 90% of Your Conflicts

      ‘Conflict, although painful, can be the cutting edge of learning and growth – sometimes out of the breakdown of communication comes breakthrough.’

      Sheila Munroe, Communicating with Your Teenager

      However careful you are to make sure the rulebook is jointly agreed, there will always be some (or a great deal!) of conflict to resolve. In fact, I believe that it is impossible for any group of truly confident people to live under one roof without conflict. How can it be otherwise, when each person is so much an individual and everyone is fervently convinced that they have a right to stand up for their own particular beliefs and needs?

      So, first and foremost it is important to accept that you are going to live in an argumentative atmosphere for some years to come.

      Secondly, it is equally important to try to view this inevitability in a positive light. A good argument, after all, can be great fun and very stimulating. (Ask any member of the British parliament!) Most successful confident people whom I have met seize opportunities for a good debate. They know the value of well-managed conflict. They are not frightened by it because they have experienced how it can stretch their potential and encourage creative solutions to problems that could never have emerged without it. Even when the debate results in a ‘beg to differ’ resolution, if it has been well-managed, it often increases mutual respect and bonds participants more closely together. An interesting example of this is when a political minister retires and often he or she is praised by their political opponents. It is obvious that their opponents not only enjoyed the sparring over the parliamentary benches, they also admired them for standing up for what they believed in and were even able to maintain a personal friendship with them as well.

      Of course there will СКАЧАТЬ