Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield

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      – If the pupils of their eyes are constantly dilated, what could be causing this symptom?

      – If they are reporting sleeplessness, what should concern you most – early morning waking or difficulty in getting off to sleep?

      • Gather information about community resources – you should have this handy even if you think you may never need it. (Just think how confidence boosting it could be for your teenager to give this helpful information to a friend?)

      – Do you know the number of your local drugs help-line?

      – Does your school have a free counselling service?

      – Do you have the address of your local youth advisory service?

      – Do you know of any charities who might be able to help low-income families with grants for school trips, extra tuition for learning problems, adventure holidays or sports coaching?

      – Do you know of any organizations which counsel or advise families going through divorce?

      – Do you know the address of your local bereavement counselling service?

      ‘My adolescent problems took their most violent form in a shyness of a pathological degree. Few people realize, now, that I have always been…an extremely shy creature – I compensate for this shyness by the typical Williams heartiness and bluster and sometimes explosive fury of behaviour.’

      Tennessee Williams

      Rule 3: Listen Three Times as Much as you Talk

      ‘If I had to pick a single suggestion that was designed to help virtually all relationship and family problems, it would be to become a better listener…becoming a better listener is an art form, yet it’s not at all complicated.’

      Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family

      I hope you won’t take this rule literally! I am not suggesting that you do a time-analysis of every conversation you have with your teen. But I do hope that you will take the point that, for the purpose of confidence building, the apparently passive activity of listening is vital.

      Why is listening so important?

      Firstly, it is one of the most effective ways of showing a teenager respect and feeding their self-esteem. This is the main reason why every counsellor and psychotherapist spends so long refining this skill.

      Attentive listening is an effective way of showing a teenager respect and feeding their self-esteem.

      Secondly, attentive listening is one of the fastest ways of getting to know a person. And don’t forget that although you may think you know your child through and through after 12 years of intimate life with them, during these crucial developmental years most parents find themselves regularly surprised. With all the extra activity within their bodies and the extra input from the outside world, teenagers are in a state of permanent change. This means that our knowledge of them needs to be continually updated.

      Thirdly, talking to a good listener about ourselves – our thoughts and ideas – is the most effective way of clarifying what we need and want out of life. It is infinitely more useful than seeking direct advice.

      Undoubtedly, some people seem to be blessed from birth with a gift to listen. In fact, most people who apply to do counselling courses name this skill as one of their natural strengths. I certainly remember doing so and I also remember being seriously disappointed to find out during the course just how bad a listener I really was! Most of the time I was actually hearing what I wanted or expected to hear. It took months and months of rigorous and confrontational practical work to change some of my bad habits. (Even now, 25 years later, they re-surface from time to time, especially when I am over-stressed or emotionally involved.)

      As a parent you won’t of course need the level of skill you would expect from a counsellor. But listening is such a key confidence-building tool that I am sure it would be worthwhile reading through the following guidelines. You could re-read them whenever you find yourself locked in communication problems with your teen (and who doesn’t at some time!) For those of you who have shy, nervous or inarticulate children it might well be worthwhile to find a friend with whom to test out some of the strategies that I suggest. Good listening is not a skill that can be learned theoretically. It takes practise and good feedback to develop.

      Top Tips

      • Avoid directly suggesting you want or need ‘a talk’ – however kind your tone or however much they may need to talk, when the idea is put in that way it is often perceived at worst as ‘a threat’ and at best ‘a bore’.

      • Pick your moment and location carefully – of course the perfect time will rarely be available, but at least try to choose a time when neither of you is too stressed, tired or itching to focus your attention elsewhere. With boys, especially, it is usually best to talk while doing something together or alongside each other.

      As a general rule, it is best to avoid public situations, particularly for heart-to-heart talks or resolving conflict. However, I can recall having very meaningful and memorable conversations with my daughters in cafes while out shopping together. Perhaps the closeness we felt as a result of doing a shared ‘girly’ fun activity helped create the right atmosphere and allowed one of us to seize the moment.

      Some people find that it is much easier for their teen to open up when they are in their own territory. Others have told me that they have found that bedrooms are the biggest ‘no-go’ area for conversations.

      So once again, it is down to trial and error with each and every individual child.

      • Stay patient and positive. As long as you keep in mind that privacy is a major concern for this age group, and you are prepared to be rebuffed innumerable times and seize moments which may not be ideal for you, you will eventually win through. The temptation to talk to someone who really wants to listen is one very few humans can resist for long!

      • Go easy on the questions – instead use statements, observations and self-disclosure. You can say, for example:

      ‘I noticed that you didn’t eat your breakfast this morning. Perhaps you just weren’t hungry. I know I never felt like eating just before an exam.’ (Rather than: ‘Why didn’t you eat your breakfast?…Are you worried about the exam?’)

      Even if you don’t elicit a response, at least you have shown that you care and understand their feelings.

      • Mentally gag yourself for the first minute or two of your talk – don’t interrupt with your own thoughts, feelings or shared experiences. This is much harder to do than you might think. We often interrupt with our own story or feeling or experience quite automatically. (‘Funny you should say that, I was also…’ / ‘That never happens to me, I always…’) This is fine if you are having an ordinary social conversation with two adults, but less helpful if you are an adult with more power, articulacy and experience than a young person with fledgling confidence.

      • Use body language or encouraging ‘noises’ to show that you are listening СКАЧАТЬ