Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield

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СКАЧАТЬ or slowing down what you are doing

      – nodding

      – opening your eyes a little wider (not too much direct eye contact – it embarrasses and threatens most self-conscious adolescents)

      – leaning forward a little

      – uttering the odd ‘mnhs’, ‘Ohs’, ‘Ahs’ or ‘Really’s!’

      – smiling (appropriately and not patronizingly, of course!)

      • If they dry up, resist the temptation to comment or speak for them – by coming in with your view or interpretation of what they are trying to say. (Yes, you will do it unless you consciously put the brakes on yourself!)

      • Reflect back what you have heard – you could just repeat some of the words or phrases they have used or the last sentence. This may seem a very strange thing to do until you have tried it. In fact, it is a common listening technique used by all the professionals. Watch a good chat show host or good coach and you will see how it works. For example:

      Teen: Well, of course I’m pissed off…I saw Sarah today coming out of school, didn’t I?

      You: Sarah?

      Teen: Yeah, and she just walked straight past me.

      You: She didn’t say anything to you?

      Teen: Yeah…last Saturday we were supposed to be going to the gig together. She said she’d be in the club that evening…like a real wally, I waited three hours for her.

      You: Three hours!

      • Try to feel what they might be feeling – sharing your own possible emotional reactions as if you were in their shoes sometimes helps them to express theirs more clearly. For example: ‘I guess you were pretty upset.’ / ‘I think I’d have been boiling mad.’

      • Tune in to their body language – but don’t copy it exactly. If they are casually sitting down, sit down too, but you don’t have to put your feet on the table as well! Similarly, if they are talking loudly you don’t have to shout but at least don’t whisper.

      • Check out that you are picking up the right clues – teenagers are not usually as articulate as we are, so noticing their body language is very important. With boys who tend to be less emotionally articulate than girls in many cultures, this can help them express feelings they may not even know they had. You can say, for example:

      ‘I notice you tapping your finger…I was wondering if I am irritating you’

      or,

      ‘I saw you glance at your watch, are you in a hurry or do you feel we have just been going over old stuff again?’

      • Stay comfortable with silences – they may need longer than you would need to think of what to say or summon up the courage to speak honestly. Use the silences to pick up feelings and observe body language – you will still be listening.

      • To get them back on track, refer to phrases or words they have used – rather than directly telling them that they have digressed. For example:

      You: ‘When you said just now you met her coming out of school, were you on your own?’

      Teen: ‘No, there was a whole crowd of us…and that git Kevin started having a go at me…He…’.

      • Summarize what you think they have said – do this from time to time and always at the end of important conversations. For example:

      ‘Hang on a minute, can I just check what I think you said? You’re still being bullied but you don’t want us to do anything about it.’

      • Use a metaphor or another example to clarify your understanding – use one which seems to sum up the essence of the message which you think that they are trying to convey. Obviously it should be one which is meaningful for them. For example:

      ‘Sounds as though it feels a bit like standing in goal with a blindfold on’

      or,

      ‘Was it a bit like that day when we got back from the sales having spent all day buying things that didn’t really fit us?’

      • Ask ‘open questions’ to encourage more than one-word answers – for example, use questions which start with what, why and how.

      • Use ‘closed questions’ to round up your talk – these will usually do the opposite of the open questions. They encourage one-word answers. For example:

      ‘Do you just want to forget it now?…So shall we both get to bed?’ or ‘Do you think I understand more now?’ or ‘Have we covered everything now?’

      • Move back or stand up when you want to finish – most people find themselves doing this naturally the moment they think they want to end a conversation. But in my experience many people do not, so it is worth checking yourself. It is one of those natural body signals that we can consciously use to influence the outcome we want. It can be more effective than trying to interrupt a teenager on a mission to convert you to his or her point of view!

      • Say what you intend to do or think about as a result of listening to them – this will really boost their confidence because it will indicate that you have taken what they said very seriously. For example:

      ‘Well, I think I understand now what is going on. I’d like to talk this over with mum before I say yes.’

      ‘I can see now that all my questioning when you come home feels pressurizing. I’ll try to curb my nosiness.’

      ‘I’ll ring the school to make an appointment to see Mr Duncan tomorrow.’

      • Give them a compliment – this must be sincere, of course. If possible give them specific feedback so they will know exactly what they did well. For example: ‘I know it must have been difficult to tell me…I admire you for having the courage to…’ / ‘I think you explained the situation very clearly.’

      • Finish with a positive comment – this could be sharing a feeling or summarizing what your talk together seems to have achieved. For example: ‘I really enjoyed hearing about…’ / ‘It seems as though we have cleared the air – I’m pleased.’

      Rule 4: Think Before You Speak

      ‘The turning point for me was the day that I heard my mother’s words coming out of my own mouth.’

      parent in counselling

      It is so easy to verbally put our foot in it with teenagers. Firstly, it is during their teen years that most children start, quite literally, to speak a different language. You will notice that they are using words and phrases that СКАЧАТЬ