Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager. Gael Lindenfield

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      ‘My dad never stood up to my mother. She walked all over him. But then he never stood up to anyone…I remember an occasion when we were on holiday when I was fourteen. We were on the beach and had set up our chairs and towels. We went off for a swim and when we came back the chairs had been moved and another family had taken our spot. My dad said nothing to them. When I said it wasn’t fair, he just said (as he always did): “It’s best not to make a fuss. It only leads to trouble.”

      I was determined no one was going get the better of me like that. But I don’t want to blame him. I should be able to control myself…it’s all a front. You know, inside I’m a real softie. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Would you believe what I really wanted to be was a doctor. I had the brains but not the bedside manner!

      And you know this is my third attempt at the marriage game, don’t you?’

      All these parents had cared deeply for their children. There was never any shortage of love or security. But none of them were good-enough role models in terms of confidence. They would have been heartbroken if they knew what unhappiness this inadequacy had caused. Sadly, it would have been so easy to correct. It is never too late to build confidence.

      So for those of you who know that your own confidence is shakier than you would like it to be, here are some tips which I hope will help.

       It is never too late to become a confident parent.

      Top Tips

      • Find sources of support before you need them. Ironically, the worst time to be searching for support is when our self-esteem is at its rockiest. If you know that there is a chance that your confidence could plummet under the pressure of parenting your teen, make sure that you have already identified the people to whom you could turn to for help. This could be a professional person such as your doctor, or an approachable teacher at school. Tell them of your concern. (Your lack of confidence may not be obvious to the outside world.) Ask them if they would be prepared to support you through any crisis. You could even talk through some contingency plans with them. To save you worrying alone with some of your worst fears, make plans for how to cope should your worst fear be realized. Preparation is one of the unsung skills of confident people.

      Test yourself with these examples:

      – Your daughter is sleeping with her boyfriend. What would you do if she became pregnant? Who would you first turn to? What organizations might be your best support?

      – Your son is going around with a group of friends and you know that at least two of his friends smoke cannabis. What would you do if the police come knocking on the door one day? Who could best advise you in this situation?

      – Your daughter fails an important exam. She is devastated and won’t be consoled by you? Who could you turn to for support?

      – Your son’s girlfriend has finished with him. He says he doesn’t care, but he’s become very moody. He isn’t washing or eating very much. You are worried he might be becoming seriously depressed. Who could you turn to? Who might be the best person to talk to your son?

       Preparation is one of the unsung skills of confident people.

      • Meet regularly with other parents of teens – even though you may moan and groan together sometimes, make sure that the majority of your contacts enjoy being parents most of the time. You can either do this informally with friends or neighbours, or formally by joining a parenting network group. (Your library or the Internet will have details of groups in your area.) The test of whether a group or friends are truly supportive of you is whether you can feel free to share your successes as well as your problems. Try it out by telling someone how pleased you were with a good decision you made or how well you responded in a certain crisis. (Tough medicine, I know, for people who lack confidence!)

      • Start and finish each day doing something that you enjoy. How many times do you go to bed feeling stressed and harassed and then wake-up feeling even worse? Get in the habit of making both getting up and going to bed relaxing and self-nurturing experiences. Try taking an aromatherapy bath instead of a shower; listening to your favourite music instead of the depressing news; reading a chapter of an uplifting novel before reading the paper, or pampering your body with luxurious creams before ‘throwing on’ your clothes in the morning.

      • Start a new learning activity. Have you ever glanced at your teens’ homework or curriculum and felt woefully aware of how out-of-date some of your education and skills have become? (And, yes, they do rub it in!) Try counteracting the depressing effect of this reality by learning something new. This should be a stretching activity, but an enjoyable one. (You have enough of the daunting kind of challenges in your everyday life!)

      • Don’t ignore your own emotional hurts – you can expect plenty during this time from your teenager. By this age he or she should know the tender spots on your Achilles heel. And, unless they are unusually saintly, they will attack you there either because you will not give them what they want or simply because they have some axe to grind with the outside world. Our confidence can never be solid while we have emotional wounds festering inside us. Get into the habit of giving yourself a small treat or getting some extra support as soon as you can after you have been hurt. For example, if you get put down for being your age, immediately ring a good friend who you know will give you some sympathy. Or, should 90% of the meal you spent an hour preparing get left without comment, treat yourself to a 20-minute break listening to your favourite CD.

      Your confidence will be even more vulnerable to these kinds of hurts if you are harbouring emotional wounds from other sources as well. For example, we are less likely to stay strong in the face of a taunt or rejection from our teenager if we are still smarting from a quarrel with our partner or disappointment at work, or indeed the put-downs we ourselves received in our teens. If you suspect that this area is a particularly difficult one for you, try my book or audio tape Emotional Confidence, which could help.

      • Make time to continue doing an activity that you are good at. In spite of the fact that our teens often seem to be strangers passing in the night, looking after them is still incredibly time-consuming. It is so tempting to give up our free time to running a taxi service for them or because we are tired, just vegetating in front of the telly. Make the time to carry on doing at least one leisure activity which boosts your confidence simply because you know you are good at it. This will counteract the effect of having to live in the uncomfortable state of not knowing whether you are doing the right thing by your teen or not. (Aren’t we so often working for long-term benefits in an atmosphere of short-term angst?!)

      • Join an Assertiveness Training or Confidence Building class. I can’t tell you how often I have worked with parents of teens on such courses. Not only will they give you ideas on how to cope and techniques to help you stand up for your rights, I can assure you that you will also have fun and make long-lasting friendships.

      Rule 2: Ensure Your Wisdom is One (But Only One) Step Ahead

      Adolescence is a time when human brains and bodies go through important phases in their growth. Teenagers begin to develop the ability to think more broadly and deeply. The world that they perceive is much more complex than he or she has yet experienced, and the choices it offers (like ours!) no longer appear simple. The lists of available options are bewilderingly endless. Additionally, this is also the time when academic pressure is hotting up; curricula are more seriously challenging and teenagers СКАЧАТЬ