Employ some humour. Sometimes the best way to diffuse an upsetting or dangerous situation is to be funny. Not only will it be something the bully isn’t expecting, but it will help you to look clever and in control and unconcerned. So make a joke about something irrelevant.
Always tell an adult. Many victims are terrified of confiding for fear of being ignored, belittled or even blamed. There is a certain loss of face and pride that accompanies being bullied. But no child should have to deal with bullies on his own, and keeping quiet will not ease the situation. In fact, if the bully finds he can get away with it, he’ll likely continue the behaviour. The message, again, is, tell an adult, someone you trust, whether it is a parent, a teacher or someone on lunchroom duty. It’s not telling tales to protect yourself (and possibly others) from dangerous children.
Don’t keep quiet. Dealing with bullying alone can be soul-destroying and undermine all of your confidence. Choose a teacher, a friend, a sibling or counsellor, anyone who can give you the support you need. There is no shame in being bullied. It is never your fault.
Always support your peers against bullying. You may be relieved that it’s not you who has been targeted and simply want to keep your head down, but if children support one another, bullying will be eradicated. No doubt about it. A bully wants to feel recognised and powerful, particularly in front of his peers. If those peers stand up to him and say: ‘Hey, that’s not fair’ or ‘I don’t like what you are doing.’ or even just leave him alone, he loses his audience and his adulation.
Create a buddy system, which involves choosing one or more friends to accompany you in areas where bullying is likely to occur – on the way to school, in the lunchroom or the washrooms, in the playground or even at the bus-stop, and offer the same in return. Bullies are less likely to target kids who are in a group.
Consider some self-defence training or taking up a martial art. Though you will not ever want to respond with violence, knowing that you can protect yourself will make you more confident. And a confident child is less likely to become a bully’s target.
Avoid isolated places whenever possible.
Don’t automatically comply with a bully’s requests (for money or anything else). If you give in, you’ll set yourself up for the situation to recur. Better to walk (or even run) away.
Keep a detailed record or diary of any bullying that occurs. If a time comes when you need to report the incidents, you will have all of the key facts to hand.
Try not to cry. Although many types of bullying can be enormously painful, including name-calling and social exclusion, all bullies want a reaction, and if you give them one they will continue. Stay calm and ignore them while maintaining a confident body language. Anxiety or distress will feed the bully’s need for power.
Remember that choosing a different route to school or avoiding bullies in the halls or the playground is only a short-term measure. If they want to get you, they will. What you need to do is to work on being more confident, making supportive friends and finding ways to deal with the bullies themselves.
What should I do if my child is a bully?
If you have reason to believe that your child has been bullying others, going in with the sledge-hammer approach will only raise his hackles and encourage further and even more elaborate defences and lies. Many children feel guilty about bullying; others have a defence facility that allows them to either justify it or subconsciously deny it. Some children know instinctively that you will not react well to hearing the truth about their actions and will use every ploy imaginable to ensure that you never find out; still others will be as subversive as they are at school and play the innocent because they genuinely believe that they are blameless. Whatever the case, tread lightly. If you show immediate anger or disapproval, you will never get anywhere and will lose the opportunity both to right the wrong and to prevent the behaviour from recurring. Moreover, you will lose the opportunity to teach a lesson presenting the empathetic and moral standpoint, explaining and reassuring, and, most importantly, of working out the factors that have caused your child to behave the way he has.
Are there strategies for dealing with bullying?
Experts recommend that parents and teachers take a hard-line approach to childhood aggression. Adults must make it clear that aggressive behaviour in school, in the neighbourhood or at home is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Children should be encouraged to report aggression and threats. Parents and school staff must deal with these incidents seriously. When aggression is tolerated, everyone loses – the bullies, the victims and the bystanders. They are all learning that violence is acceptable and this is not the lesson we want to teach our children.
Be sure to express strong disapproval of bullying when it occurs or comes up in conversation. Be sure students know that you don’t condone any kind of harassment or mistreatment of others, whether it be teasing, social exclusion or physical violence. Teachers should, as much as possible, reassure students that the classroom is a safe and supportive place.
Avoid physical forms of discipline. Hitting children when they misbehave simply reinforces the belief that ‘might makes right’ and that violence and intimidation are appropriate ways to get what you want. Whenever possible, model non-violent means of resolving conflicts (see page).
Parents AND teachers would benefit by keeping a log of bullying incidents, including who was involved, when it occurred, how often and what strategies were used to address it. Over time, this log will help to identify any patterns in bullying behaviour, as well as what kind of interventions worked best to stop it. Teachers may discover that more bullying takes place around exam time, when the students are stressed or when they haven’t had any physical outlet for a week; they may discover the same culprit stirring things up over and over again. Parents will have to rely on the honesty of a child as well as the support of the school in order to complete a log with any success, but it can help you to keep tabs on your child’s behaviour, work out when he’s most difficult, what the catalysts might be and which methods of dealing with the problem at home are actually having some effect.
Make sure your discipline system in the home is consistent, with praise and reinforcement for good behaviour, and fair penalties (never violent) for violation.
