You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ alt="images" target="_blank" rel="nofollow" href="#fb3_img_img_2096085d-ada0-56cc-86bd-6fca93f4cf0d.jpg"/> Relies on the evidence of his friends or other witnesses to defend him. In other words, could it be that his henchmen are doing their job.

      

Seems to have more money than he should.

      

Comes home with items that do not belong to her.

      

Claims she doesn’t need a lunch because she’ll ‘get something at school’.

      

Is quick to anger and bullies younger siblings.

      

Is secretive about mobile phone and computer use.

      At what age do children grow out of bullying?

      The good news is that bullying does appear to decline as children get older; however, some experts are concerned that it merely changes shape rather than disappears entirely. And many of these changed forms of bullying are unreported – the older the child, the more embarrassing the problem and hence it is less likely to be reported. Bullies have average social popularity up to about fourteen or fifteen years old. In fact, some children even look up to bullies in some ways because they are powerful and do what they want to, or have to, to get their way with peers. However, by late adolescence, the bully’s popularity begins to wane. By secondary school, if a bully is still attending school, his or her peer group includes other bullies, or more seriously, he or she has developed or is developing gang alliances.

      Studies show that victimisation decreases across year levels: 26 per cent of children in the early primary years report bullying compared to 15 per cent of children in the later years of primary school. At ages eleven to twelve about 12 per cent of children appear to be bullied. Children in lower years are more likely to be victims of older bullies, whereas children in higher years are more likely to be victims of same-age bullies. Younger students experience more direct bullying (name-calling, violence), whereas older students experience more indirect bullying (social exclusion, for example).

      By late secondary school, regular bullying incidents are often a thing of the past, but all victims know who the bullies are, and avoid them. By around sixteen or seventeen, bullies and victims are usually moving in different directions in terms of curricular interests in school, therefore their paths rarely cross. Social groupings are clearly defined by this time in a student’s life and invisible boundaries have been drawn.

      Not surprisingly, in secondary school, bullying behaviour most frequently involves teasing and social exclusion, but may also include physical violence, threats, theft, sexual and racial harassment, public humiliation and destruction of the targeted student’s property. Bullying behaviour in primary years is more likely to involve physical aggression, but is also characterised by teasing, intimidation and social exclusion.

      Can I go over my child’s head to address the problem with her school?

      It’s always a good idea to involve your child – firstly because if she has been victimised in the past, she may already be feeling powerless. If you step in and ‘take over’ you are compounding this feeling. In reality, she needs to learn to stand up for herself and to deal with the problems she is experiencing. It’s a good idea to speak frankly with your child, showing support for how she is feeling, and asking her to keep a log of incidents, including times and witnesses, in order to support her case. Make sure she understands that ‘telling’ isn’t ‘snitching’ or being cowardly, and that it can help to protect other children from bullies. Offer to help her to report the incidents, and to become involved at whatever level she feels comfortable. All schools must have an anti-bullying policy and a procedure for reporting. Your daughter should have a first port of call, and she should be aware of what this is. If she gets nowhere, you can then help her to take the problem to the school head, supporting her efforts. If she refuses to do anything and you fear for her health, safety or well-being, then you have a duty of care to go above her head, but tell her that you are doing so and why.

      Can I condone violence as retribution for bullying or in self-defence?

      No, encouraging violence only feeds violent behaviour, which is exactly what you are trying to protect your child from in the first place. All children need to deal with problems in a non-violent way – they can’t, for example, lash out at their boss or a neighbour in later life when they feel bullied or threatened. They must learn to problem-solve effectively, and violence has no part in this. Having said that, children who are regularly bullied may find some confidence in the belief that they can protect themselves through self-defence training. The idea is not that it will be used in a violent way – and certainly not without provocation – but knowing that he can protect himself will make a child less likely to take on victim status, that is, appear to be a good target.

      What can I do about my child being bullied?

      One of the greatest preventative measures that you can undertake is to give your child the tools and skills to deal with bullying situations when they arise. You may have a child who has never been bullied, and has only been affected as a witness. But regardless of their status, all children need to know how to deal with bullies, as the problem is so pervasive, everyone is bound to be affected at some stage of their lives. So apart from working on self-respect, resilience and your home life, as well as encouraging social skills, problem-solving and friendships, your child will need to know how to deal with bullies practically.

      What can I teach my child to help with bullying?

      

Learn to control your anger. No child will fail to become upset and angry when they are victimised, but responding is exactly what a bully wants and expects. If you become cool and calm, failing to rise to the bait, the bully has effectively lost, because he cannot ‘control’ you or your emotions.

      

Never use physical force, no matter how often or directly it has been used against you. A bully is a dangerous commodity and you may end up in serious trouble or physical threat. What’s more, violence is an ‘anger’ response, and once again, it’s important never to show anger.

      

Stand up tall, act brave even when you don’t feel it and walk away. Ignoring a bully is a difficult feat, particularly when they push all the buttons to upset you; it may also anger a bully to the point of fury, because they fail to get a response. But if you walk away with your head held high, you are sending the message that you won’t be intimidated.

      

It sounds crazy, but try to make the bully your friend. This technique will obviously work better for younger kids (and parents take note: if your child is being bullied by one person, invite him round to play, but keep close supervision).

      

If you want to talk back, keep your voice level and calm and look the bully right in the eye when you speak. Use ‘I’ statements, which are indisputable: ‘I want you to stop that right now.’ Or ‘I do not like being treated that way.’ Don’t СКАЧАТЬ