You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

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СКАЧАТЬ purchase a few books targeted at your child’s age – books that will interest him, of course – and test them out. If he’s eleven years old, books that fall within the nine to thirteen years banding may be a little challenging, but he should get through them without too much effort. If he’s fourteen and struggling with ‘young adult titles’ move him back to an earlier age group and see how he fares. A year or two out of the reading age target is of no real concern, but if that same 14-year-old is more confident with the books in the ages six to eight year grouping, you might want to get him some extra help.

Bras

      At what age should my daughter start to wear a bra?

      Breasts can begin growing as early as eight years of age, and they don’t normally stop until the early twenties. Many girls are resistant to wearing bras for a variety of reasons, including fearing the transition to adulthood, being self-conscious (particularly if they develop earlier than their peers) and even feeling dismayed about the changes to their body. Many girls want a bra when nipples become more noticeable, as it can provide extra coverage. It’s probably best to leave the decision to your daughter; when her friends start wearing bras, she will too. No damage will be done by having unsupported breasts in her early teens. You may want to suggest a sports bra with a less traditional back and straps, or a tank top with a ‘breast shelf’ or ‘invisible support’ in the interim.

      If, however, your daughter’s breasts are very well developed, and she is still resistant well into the teenaged years, you may wish to have a relaxing day out together and hit the lingerie department en route. Let her choose what she wants and play down the fact that you think it’s time.

      If my daughter is resistant to wearing a bra, when should I ensure she does?

      Once a girl has developed breasts (that is, not only the nipple has emerged), a bra is a good idea, especially when the girl is exercising and playing sports. Bras can protect breast tissue and keep the breasts supported. Some girls may also like bras that smooth out their silhouettes and make them feel more comfortable. A bra can make a girl feel less exposed when she’s wearing a light shirt.

      Some girls look forward to getting their first bras, but others dread that event. Like anything new, wearing a bra can be tough to adjust to. As most women know, they can be tricky to undo and adjust, and they can be very uncomfortable if they are incorrectly fitted. They are also clear evidence that puberty has arrived – some girls actually wear several layers of undergarments or clothing to disguise this fact rather than protect their ‘assets’ with a bra.

      The secret is to get the right size so that your child feels comfortable and supported. A sports bra is less obvious than some types and can be played down as a type of tank top or sportswear. Indeed, many cropped tops now come with supportive layers, so this may suffice until she feels ready for the real thing.

      Take your daughter shopping, but without pressure. Find some attractive matching sets in a style she likes, and give her some freedom to choose. Choose a few things yourself to make the visit to the lingerie department a little less obvious. You can use the opportunity to discuss how you felt about your first bra, and why wearing one is a good idea. She may confess her own feelings and concerns – in which case, leave it for a little while longer. If she’s particularly self-conscious, leave a catalogue around and ask her to choose what she might like to order. This way she can test out a few things in the privacy of her bedroom, and perhaps feel less pressured.

      If all else fails, pick up a few types of bra yourself and pop them in to her underwear drawer. Chances are they’ll get an airing at some point.

      Does my daughter need to wear a bra to bed?

      A number of scare stories have suggested that bras (particularly when worn at night) can lead to breast cancer by obstructing the lymphatic system. Under-wired bras have been singled out as the main culprits, and these ill informed sources claim that bras squash the fine tubes of the lymphatic system. The idea is that this stops the normal drainage of the breast tissues, causing toxins to gather in the breast and resulting in cancer. Cancer researchers have resoundingly rejected this theory. However, one 1993 study did show that women who wore bras to bed were 125 times more likely to get breast cancer than non-bra-wearers, and 113 times more likely than women who wear a bra for less than twelve hours a day.

      Ask your daughter why she wants to wear a bra to bed; she may be self-conscious and wish to cover up or may believe she needs to be ‘supported’ even while sleeping. Although the health risks are inconclusive, it is probably a good idea to avoid wearing a bra at night. Explain why.

      At what age is it appropriate for my daughter to choose and wear a bra that I consider overly sexy?

      You may wish to evaluate what you consider to be ‘overly sexy’. Frankly, girls go out on the streets wearing what appears to be little more than a pair of knickers and a skimpy bra-top, and this is clearly an acceptable fashion at the moment. If your daughter shows interest in sexy bras at a young age, it may well be that she is trying to emulate older peers or role models such as models or singers (many of whom model or have their own lines of lingerie). If it’s covered by clothing, there is probably no real need to worry. However, if your daughter shows an interest in sexy undergarments when she has a boyfriend, chances are she wants to show them off. This may be a good time for a talk about sex and relationships. Remember that even in a loving, healthy relationship, women (even young ones) like to feel sexy. It doesn’t mean they have become part-time prostitutes or are on course to becoming a lap dancer. Talk about what you think is appropriate and why – but give yourself a crash course on what other kids are wearing before you do so. If you put her in white cotton knickers and a practical bra while the other girls in the changing room are in hot pink and lace, she may feel left out. This is not to say that peer pressure should dictate your choices, but it’s easy to lose touch with genuine fashion trends as opposed to the whims of young girls. Times change and sexy doesn’t necessarily mean promiscuous any longer.

Bullying

      How do I know if my child is being bullied?

      Many children are reluctant to confide in their families when they have been the victim of bullies for various reasons: perhaps they don’t want to disappoint parents; they are embarrassed and ashamed; they don’t want their parents barging in, potentially making matters worse; or perhaps they haven’t actually accepted the situation themselves. It is crucial that parents look out for signs that bullying may be taking place. Different types of bullying have different key signs (for example, if your daughter is suddenly phobic of or obsessed by her mobile telephone, cyber-bullying could be at the root of the problem). Generally, however, look out for the following:

      

Reluctant to go to school.

      

Complains of feeling sick; frequently visits the infirmary or nurse at school.

      

Sudden drop in grades.

      

Comes home hungry (because bullies have stolen lunch or lunch money).

      

Frequently arrives home with clothing or possessions destroyed or missing.

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