You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

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      How shall I go about it?

      

Engage your child whenever the moment seems right. Try not to force the issue or sit them down for ‘a talk’ – they’ll only feel edgy and under pressure.

      

Discuss various methods of birth control – perhaps using a book to help the discussion along.

      

Don’t hesitate to explain that you think your child is too young to even consider sex.

      

Your values should be made clear. Explain what you believe and why. This may not sway them in the short-term, but your messages will always filter through to some degree. If you don’t believe in sex before marriage, or before a certain age, or without a suitable emotion involvement, then explain why. Kids are naive and often feel pressurised by their peers; they may need some excuses of their own. Give lots.

      

Learn about contraception, including emergency contraception, and about condoms. Learn also about STDs – gonorrhoea, syphilis, herpes, genital warts and HIV – including the ways they are transmitted, symptoms, risks and treatment options. Facts never hurt.

      

Listen carefully. When you understand your teen’s values, you can ask questions that help the teen clarify how to act consistently with those values.

      

Avoid assumptions. Do not assume that your teen knows everything he or she needs to know about contraception and condoms.

      

Make sure your teen know about emergency contraception, which can be taken to prevent pregnancy up to 120 hours (5 days) after unprotected intercourse or when a contraceptive method fails.

      

Discuss being ‘swept away’. Many teens say they did not use condoms or contraception because they ‘just got swept away’. Be clear that this is not OK. Anyone who is mature enough to have sexual intercourse is mature enough to use protection.

      Should I purchase condoms for my son so that he is prepared?

      If you are worried that he may be having sex and not using them, then why not? If you son seems to embarrassed to talk about it, put a packet in his wash bag or in his bathroom cupboard (away from the prying eyes of siblings). But don’t get into the habit of supplying them. Birth control is a personal responsibility and your son should learn that he needs to shoulder it. Having said that, an emergency supply may make a difference.

      How should I approach the subject of birth control?

      Wait for an opportune moment – a story in the paper about teenage pregnancies, a chat about a boy or girlfriend, a story about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), for example. When you first broach the subject of sex with your child, it’s worth offering the basics about birth control. Ask opinions, give some facts and insight from your point of view, and use the opportunity to express your values. Clearly, there is some sense in first discussing this when you have the birds-and-bees chat – which could happen when your child is eight or nine (for girls, it should be well before menstruation). Many kids are shocked or disgusted by the whole idea, so it’s worth taking it gradually. Ask your child to come back to you if he or she has any questions, or just casually bring it up in informal conversations – adding more as you go on. Don’t go in with all guns blazing, and do treat disgust with gentle reassurance – many children become phobic of sexual encounters well into adult life because they’ve been educated by a heavy hand and made to feel guilty or wrong before they’ve even started. Ultimately, you don’t want a child who feels uncomfortable about birth control; better that your child is used to the idea, knows what to do and feels confident enough to purchase what he or she needs as a part of normal life. Kids have sex – that’s a given. If you lecture too much about what your child should or shouldn’t be doing, he or she may be distracted from the important things, which are to protect themselves from pregnancy or STDs, and also to wait until the time is right. Be casual.

      When should I ask my child about his or her birth control plans?

      If you have any reason to believe your child is having sex, then you must ask – gently and reassuringly. When you give ‘the talk’ you must also express support about using birth control and make it clear that you would like to be involved in the decision. There are many sorts of birth control available – some more effective than others, and some with health risks. Disapproving parents can alienate kids, which leaves them open to making decisions without any guidance. As much as you may disapprove, it’s important to support when things do happen. In a nutshell, you should ask your children about their birth control plans as soon as they mention anyone else having sex, or discuss it themselves, have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or spend a lot of time in mixed company. Use your judgement.

      Is emergency contraception safe for my daughter?

      It’s as safe as long-term methods such as the pill, although there can be side effects such as nausea, vomiting, headaches, breast tenderness, dizziness, fluid retention and irregular bleeding. These side effects usually disappear after a couple of days. Emergency contraception works by giving the body a short, high dose of synthetic hormones. This disrupts hormone patterns needed for pregnancy. It also disturbs the ovaries and the development of the uterine lining, making pregnancy less likely. Emergency contraception is used within 120 hours (five days) after intercourse. It is most effective within the first 24 hours. Emergency contraception reduces the risk of pregnancy by 75 per cent. It does not, however, protect against STDs, including HIV/AIDS.

Books

      Should my child be allowed to read an adult book?

      It does, of course, depend on the book. Some books written for adults do not touch on subject areas that may concern you, and may have little sex, violence or inappropriate language. So the first thing you need to do when your child shows interest in an adult book is to check out the publisher’s website and read the reviews. You’ll soon get a taste of the subject matter and style of writing – in some cases, the recommended age group (13+ for example). If you think the book is inappropriate, it is OK to dissuade your child from reading it. Advanced readers are not necessarily more mature than their less-able counterparts, and they could be introduced to things that will frighten or confuse them, or teach them things that they are simply not ready to learn. While every parent is pleased to have an avid reader on their hands, kids often need guidance to get their reading matter right.

      Pat Scales, author of Teaching Banned Books, offers the following advice:

      

Accentuate the positive. Never say ‘no’ exactly, as it can turn the book into forbidden treasure. Try ‘that’s a good book, but knowing you, you’d like this other one better’.

      

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