href="#fb3_img_img_2096085d-ada0-56cc-86bd-6fca93f4cf0d.jpg"/> Build on your child’s talents and help him or her develop less aggressive and more appropriate reaction behaviours.
Maintain contact with your child’s school. Support the school’s efforts to modify your child’s behaviour. Enlist help from the school to try and modify your child’s behaviour.
Although certainly not all bullying stems from family problems, it’s a good idea to examine the behaviour and personal interactions your child witnesses at home. If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from a sibling or from you or another parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behaviour outside the home. What may seem like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviours. Children who are on the receiving end of it learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.
Constant teasing – whether it’s at home or at school – can also affect a child’s self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel bad (bullying) can give them a sense of power.
Emphasise that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home. For example, if your child is cyber-bullying, take away the technologies he or she is using to torment others (computer, mobile phone). Or instruct your child to use the internet to research bullying and note strategies to reduce the behaviour. Other examples of disciplinary action include restricting your child’s curfew if the bullying and/or teasing occur outside of the home; taking away privileges, but allowing the opportunity to earn them back; and requiring your child to do volunteer work to help those less fortunate.
Teach your child to treat people who are different with respect and kindness. Teach your child to celebrate and understand differences such as race, religion, appearance, special needs, class, sexuality. Every child needs to learn that all people have rights and feelings. Teach a little history – show how oppression has affected countries around the world (parts of Africa, for example) and how intolerance has led to wars and horrific crimes against humanity (the Holocaust, for example). Sometimes children need to learn that intolerance and disrespect have very serious consequences.
Find out if your child’s friends are also bullying. If so, seek a group intervention through your child’s school.
Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behaviour. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.
Be prepared to talk to your child’s school about how it can help your child to modify his behaviour. The school may have some excellent ideas that are in line with its anti-bullying policy, which will be backed up by other pupils and staff members.
It can be very upsetting to have to admit that your child is a bully, but if you show humility and a willingness to set things right – perhaps by explaining problems your child may have experienced outside the school gates that may have contributed to his attitude and behaviour – you are likely to receive the support you need. Keep in touch with the school so that you can monitor and report, and it can do the same.
Bullying expert Tim Field thinks that, ‘School environments tend to be one of “exclusion” rather than “inclusion”. Children are left to form their own groups, or gangs, and you are either “in” or “out”. I believe children should be taught at the outset to show dignity and respect to other children regardless of whether they are “in” or “out”, and to be proactive in their relationships to other children, especially those who “do not fit in”, for whatever reason.’
Remember to keep your cool. If you become angry, you will get nowhere, either with your child or the school. Your child will not confide in you and you’ll never come to terms with the causative factors without appropriate communication. Show patience and unconditional love at all times; make it clear that you still love your child, even though his behaviour is not loveable.
Bear in mind that your child is very likely to deny any wrong doing, and/or minimise his involvement. It’s a natural reaction and you will need to be patient and persistent to get past this.
If your child has been involved in extortion, ask yourself some questions about his material status – if he doesn’t have anything that his peers have, he may be stealing to keep up with the crowd; if he doesn’t have a lunch made for him or any lunch money offered, he may be hungry and angry about his position and take it out on others. If he doesn’t have an appropriate amount of pocket money for his age and is therefore unable to keep up with normal social requirements, he may resort to stealing. Be realistic, and ask some questions of your child and the parents of your child’s peers.
Increase your supervision of your child’s activities and whereabouts, and with whom they are associating. Spend time with your child and set reasonable rules for their activities and curfews.
If your child is viewing violent television shows, including cartoons, and is playing violent video games, this will increase violent and aggressive behaviour. Change the family and child’s viewing and play patterns to non-violent ones.
Make sure that your child is not seeing violence between members of his or her family. Modelling of aggressive behaviour at home can lead to violence by the child against others at school and in later life.
About one per cent of all bullies have a serious sadistic nature, in that they enjoy the pain of others. Such children tend to be rather unfeeling when they bully and are not anxious nor is their self-esteem low. Such children often have serious problems with criminal behaviour later and can become quite abusive. If you think your child may have sociopathic tendencies, ask your GP to refer you for counselling. He may genuinely need help.
Parents may inadvertently support bullying by accepting it as just a normal part of growing up and leaving children to solve their own problems. Don’t make that mistake. Bullying is wrong; this message needs to be repeated and reinforced in your home, and guidance needs to be offered at all stages and ages.
