Earth to Hell. Kylie Chan

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СКАЧАТЬ time someone reminded that bunch of stiffarsed old farts exactly what it means to pursue the Tao,’ the Jade Emperor said amiably. He poured the tea and we all tapped the table in thanks. ‘See? You show respect in exactly the right amount required, at the time it is required, and not more. And when the order is a stupid one, you make your feelings clear. The most senior Celestials are aware of your serpent form, Emma. They were fully expecting you to take it, even though you made it clear that you regard your human form as your True Form.’ He sighed with feeling. ‘So many blindly follow orders purely to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Lazy. Now.’ He picked up his teacup, brushing his long sleeve out of the way. ‘Leo Alexander. Stupid bastard. Entirely much more trouble than he is worth. I know why you did it, Lady, but he has still been a massive thorn in my side for many years.’

      Kwan Yin nodded silently.

      He sipped his tea. ‘You certainly have my permission to try your best to pull Leo out. Go for it. If you can persuade him out of Hell, I’d be very happy indeed.’

      ‘I wasn’t expecting this to be so easy after all the bureaucracy we’ve had to go through,’ I said.

      The Emperor smiled slightly. ‘We thought we would be able to fix this without the intervention of a mortal such as yourself. It makes us look very, very bad to have to call you in on this. The Celestial should be able to handle this type of thing.’

      ‘Leo’s very stubborn when he wants to be,’ I said.

      The Emperor raised his teacup to me. ‘That he is. And thoroughly Worthy. I am looking forward to seeing him take his place here among the Immortals.’

      ‘He’s black and gay, Ah Ting,’ Bai Hu said.

      We all stared at Bai Hu with astonishment, even the Jade Emperor.

      ‘I’m just saying,’ Bai Hu said with a shrug. ‘He’d be the first.’

      I turned back to the Jade Emperor. ‘He’d be the first gay Immortal? Is it allowed? I know the tradition …’

      ‘Humankind is very fond of rules,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Very fond of putting things into little boxes and sticking labels on them. Yang is masculine; yin is feminine. Therefore all males must be yang and be attracted to females. Despite the fact that the universe is obviously not built that way, humans insist on creating their little boxes and pushing things into them even when it’s quite plain that they don’t fit.’ He poured more tea. ‘The nature of the Tao is the true nature of all. If a man is attracted to other men and that is his nature, then how can he pursue the Tao without pursuing that nature? Ridiculous.’

      ‘So it’s not an issue?’ I said.

      ‘Of course not,’ the Emperor said. ‘There are plenty of gay Immortals, there always have been. The minute you stick a label on something it loses its true nature and you move further away from the Tao, which is nameless.’

      ‘But he’s black,’ Bai Hu said.

      ‘I have the sudden urge to rap you sharply across the nose, cat,’ the Emperor said.

      ‘He’s not Eastern, I meant,’ Bai Hu said. ‘It’s not the colour, it’s the location. I mean, we’ve had Westerners gain Immortality here before …’ His voice trailed off. He raised his hands in defeat. ‘Okay. I just made my own point. Shutting up now.’

      ‘You aren’t just a sexist pig, you’re a racist one as well,’ I said with wonder.

      ‘The hell I am,’ the Tiger said. ‘He doesn’t belong to this Corner of the World. He should be Raised to Immortality in the United States, his home. He should reside on his own Celestial Plane.’

      ‘What about me?’ I said.

      ‘You too. If you were to gain Immortality, you should do it in the South, where you belong, and live in the Southern Celestial Plane.’

      ‘What about me?’ Simone said.

      The Tiger opened his mouth and closed it again.

      ‘Oh, very well,’ the Emperor said. ‘But this is strictly for your ears only, you are not to share it with anyone. The Elder of the Southern Shen and I have been in contact for about ten years. We’re arranging a conference in a neutral territory, probably Antarctica. As soon as we contact the Western, African and North and South American Shen we’ll start making arrangements. We’ll probably do it when Ah Wu’s back and he can do the security in conjunction with each group’s people. We’ll thrash out a reciprocal agreement.’

      ‘Not North, South, East and West Shen?’ I said.

      ‘No, the Eastern and Western thing is just for convenience,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Actually, each continent has its own Shen, divided by the ocean or desert. So there aren’t actually any Northern Shen, unless you count Ah Wu who is the essence of the North itself.’ He shrugged. ‘Hardly anybody lives up there anyway — people there fit into their own region. So basically it will be a meeting of Shen from the six continents, and when we get together we’ll probably start formal naming and reciprocal diplomatic arrangements.’

      ‘What, Shen UN?’ I said.

      The Jade Emperor made a soft sound of amusement. ‘Yes. Now that travelling between the Corners is becoming common, we need to deal with the matter of mortals attaining Immortality in a Centre outside their own. If they choose to reside in a different Celestial Plane, the option to do so should be open to them. Leo is a classic example of this; he is in the first hundred or so black people who have been through our Hell, and the first to gain Immortality in our Centre. Until now, we have had very little contact with other Celestials. The time has come that we should make an arrangement for free movement between the Planes.’

      ‘The demons are moving as well,’ I said. ‘Look at these stone things.’

      ‘Precisely,’ the Emperor said with feeling. ‘Mixing Western mystical stones with Eastern demons. And the biotech that One Two Two was experimenting with …’ He glared at the Tiger. ‘Absolutely not acceptable.’

      ‘I don’t do anything like that,’ the Tiger said. ‘My kids are just studying them. Just having a look. Working out what makes them tick.’

      ‘As long as that’s all it is,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Supervise your scientists closely. Interfere with the demons’ true nature and Er Lang will land on you so hard you’ll think your nose is your tail.’

      Bai Hu saluted. ‘Celestial Majesty. I agree with you anyway.’

      ‘Jade and Gold,’ I said.

      ‘Ah.’ The Emperor leaned back. ‘Do you know why they are bound into servitude?’

      ‘No,’ I said. ‘They’re both obviously embarrassed about it, and I haven’t pushed the point.’

      ‘They deserved it,’ the Tiger said. ‘They should have spent the time in Hell.’

      ‘I didn’t see you charging out of the West to defend the honour of the Qing,’ the Emperor said.

      ‘You issued the goddamn edict telling us not to interfere yourself, Ah Ting,’ the Tiger said.

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