Living An Orgasmic Life. Xanet Pailet
Чтение книги онлайн.
Читать онлайн книгу Living An Orgasmic Life - Xanet Pailet страница 8
Название: Living An Orgasmic Life
Автор: Xanet Pailet
Издательство: Ingram
Жанр: Эзотерика
isbn: 9781633538276
isbn:
Our bodies are a source of pleasure, and our physiology supports the argument that we are meant to experience pleasure. But when we get older and want to touch ourselves, an element of shame often seeps in, spoiling our experience of bodily pleasure. This paradox creates tension around our sexuality. As you will see, sexual shame comes from a variety of different sources.
Ancient Cultures Were Sex-Positive
If we look at sexuality from a historical perspective, we find that attitudes toward sex in many ancient cultures were actually quite positive. According to Paul Chrystal, author of In Bed with the Ancient Greeks: Sex & Sexuality in Ancient Greece:
…love and sex were inextricably connected with the creation of the Earth, the heavens, and the underworld. Greek myth was a theogony of incest, murder, polygamy, and intermarriage in which eroticism and fertility were elemental; they were there right from the start, demonstrating woman’s essential reproductive role in securing the cosmos, extending the human race, and ensuring the fecundity of nature.” Many ancient religions also worshipped sex. In ancient Hindu temples all over the world, we find statues of Lingams (penises) and Yonis (vulvas) worshipping the God Shiva and Goddess Parvati.2
Yoni Lingam Statute, Siem Riep, Cambodia, Angkor Wat Temple Ruins, 12th Century
It was the Judeo-Christian religion that vilified sex. Adam and Eve were shamed for their nakedness, accused of “original sin” for eating the “forbidden apple” and banished from the Garden of Eden, that paradise wherein pleasure and joy were one’s birthright. We have been paying the price of their banishment and carrying the weight of their shame ever since.
Shame and Your Sexual Blueprint
To understand where our shame comes from, we have to examine our sexual blueprint. Similar to an architectural blueprint that shows all the details of the plumbing, electricity, drywall, windows, and doors that make up a building, you have a sexual blueprint comprised of all the early life experiences that make up your sense of yourself as a sexual being. I call it a blueprint to emphasize the impact of the early experiences that govern your relationship with your own sexuality as well as how you relate to members of the opposite or the same sex. The elements of your sexual blueprint include:
•Messages you received about sex as a child from parents, other adults, and society
•Early childhood sexual exploration with yourself and/or others
•Your first sexual experiences
•Relationships with your mother and father or primary caregiver
•Seminal events that impacted your body image
•Religious ideology or indoctrination
How these messages impact you differs for everyone, but we all experience shame…that is a part of human existence. Let me give you an example of how this plays out. When I was growing up, I had a dog whose name was Lucky. He was a yappy, high-strung, neurotic Yorkshire terrier; we did not have the best relationship. Lucky often barked at and nipped me. He loved to hide under my bed and then growl at me when I tried to get him to come out. When I was nine years old, Lucky started to lick my private parts while I was lying in bed at night. I experienced a lot of pleasure from the sensation of the dog’s tongue on my pussy. I also knew from earlier experiences that I would be punished if my mother caught me. So the pleasure I experienced was colored with fear, anxiety, and shame.
Fast-forward eighteen years. Is there any wonder that I was really uncomfortable with oral sex and could never relax enough to experience it as pleasurable? Not until I slowly brought this memory to consciousness in my forties and shared it with a group of people in a workshop was I finally able to heal my shame and begin enjoying oral sex. Interestingly, when I shared my shame story through tears and shaking during that workshop, another woman shared that she’d been sexually aroused as a child by rubbing against her cat! What a relief! For decades, I thought there was something wrong with me; that I was broken, sexually deranged, or maybe even into bestiality.
The most important lesson I learned from the workshop is that the only way to normalize the conversation about sex is to normalize the conversation about shame. There are many ways to do that, but writing about it, talking about it, and sharing our experience with others are powerful first steps toward healing shame. Later on in this chapter you will get to explore your own sexual blueprint, but for now let’s look at some other real-life examples of how our sexual shame impacts our sexuality.
Body Shame: Jessica’s Story
Jessica came to see me because she was uncomfortable touching herself and was not able to have an orgasm. She grew up in a fairly open and sex-positive environment within her family. Jessica was a tomboy and loved playing with the neighborhood boys. For years, on warm summer days, she ran around topless, just like her friends did. She loved the freedom of being bare-chested and feeling the air on her skin. Her parents were totally fine with this, and Jessica continued to experience her freedom. But when Jessica turned ten, with budding breasts, things changed.
It was a beautiful, warm summer day, and like always, Jessica ran outside the house without a shirt on to play basketball with the boys. Her mother, who had been running errands, pulled onto the street, took one look at Jessica and her budding breasts, stopped the car, and demanded that she go inside the house and “put a shirt on right this second.” Jessica’s body shame was exacerbated in middle school when a teacher told her that she needed to “sit like a lady” and keep her legs closed.
In middle school Jessica gained a lot of weight, probably to hide herself from her own body. The disconnection from her body increased when she was later shamed for being “fat” by her aunts and uncles. It was carried over to her adult life as an inability to enjoy touching and appreciating her own body. Over time, Jessica was able to accept that the shame and negative image she had about her body were from her childhood, had no basis in fact, and no longer served her. As she began connecting with her own feminine self, she became more loving and compassionate to herself and her body. Eventually she was able to enjoy touching and pleasuring herself and experienced her first orgasm.
Delayed Ejaculation Shame: Jeff’s Story
Jeff came to see me after a nasty divorce. He was afraid of being intimate with women and was particularly concerned about delayed ejaculation, meaning he could get fully aroused but not come. When I asked Jeff about his first sexual experience, he told me this story.
I was seventeen when I lost my virginity. I was one of the last of my group of friends and felt a lot of peer pressure to get laid. There was this girl, Jackie, who had a lot of experience and came on to me at a party. I wasn’t attracted to her, but she put her hand on my cock when we were dancing, and I felt excited. She took СКАЧАТЬ