Living An Orgasmic Life. Xanet Pailet

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СКАЧАТЬ she did not feel aroused and felt numb around her pussy. As Delia began to deal with her shame, she became much more aware and present to sensations and her arousal and ultimately was able to fully experience orgasm.

      Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation:

      Keith’s Story

      In men, problems with early ejaculation are often associated with getting caught masturbating in adolescence. Keith was an only child with a very controlling mother, who was constantly checking up on him. The bathroom, the only room in the house with a lock on the door, was Keith’s refuge from his mother, and the only safe place for him to masturbate. Eventually his mother caught on to this. She began monitoring his time in the bathroom, constantly knocking on the door and asking him if everything was all right. Fearful of her interference, Keith learned how to come very quickly, usually within two minutes of stimulation. This became his normal response and plagued him into adulthood and marriage.

      In my work with men and women, I am always surprised by the impact of negative responses to a child’s natural curiosity and tendency to touch themselves “down there.” The mere act of swatting a little boy’s hand away from his crotch quickly sends the message that touching yourself is wrong. These messages stick with us and are often further reinforced by societal and religious messages about masturbation.

      Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder

      Body shame is an experience common to almost all women and many men surrounding our looks, our weight, the size of our breasts, cocks, thighs, butts, pussies…the list can go on forever. The constant barrage of unrealistic media images of perfect bodies and body parts continues to play a huge role in our own body image issues. I have worked with so many men who have shame because their penises don’t measure up to the ones they see in pornography, many of which have been digitally enhanced.

      For women, body shame is the number one reason that we are held back from enjoying sex and creates disconnection from our desires. Women tend to “spectate” during sex, i.e., we are constantly thinking about and imagining what our bodies look like while we are having sex. This takes us out of the experience and into our heads. I know I’ve done this, and I’m sure you have as well. I’ve gone so far as to require that the mirror in my room be covered during sex because I was unhappy with the way my body looked.

      Body shame prevents you from fully expressing yourself sexually. Maybe you have sex under the covers or with the lights out so that your partner doesn’t see your body. Body shame creates unhealthy habits, such as constant dieting and eating disorders. You might even sabotage every first date just to avoid exposing your body to someone else.

      Body shame often makes us feel like we’re not loveable, not sexy, and not worthy of someone’s attention. It also causes many unnecessary surgeries such as penile implants, breast enhancements and reductions, and labiaplasty, a common form of plastic surgery for women.

      Many of us first experience body shame in our early adolescence, just as our bodies are changing. Hormones do funny things to bodies, but there is little compassion for this, and cruel comments from others can cut right through us. When Joelle went to sleep-away camp at age fourteen, she gained fifteen pounds over the summer. Excited about returning home to see her boyfriend, she has a vivid memory of how shocked he was when he met her at the door. She will never forget the look on his face. Rather than inviting her into the house to talk with his parents as he normally did, he quickly ushered her upstairs, sending shame and negative messages to her about her body. To cope with the body shame, Joelle resorted to massive fasts and dieting and ended up with an eating disorder in college.

      Postpartum women are particularly burdened by body shame, and it is part of the reason so many of us lose interest in sex after giving birth. Unfortunately, I have seen some women whose partners exacerbate their shame by continuing to buy them clothes that are one or two sizes too small as an “incentive” to get back to pre-baby weight. I personally consider that yet another form of shaming.

      Too Big, Too Small: Sex Organ Shame

      In my case, while growing up, I had huge issues about the size of my breasts, which just seemed way out of proportion to the rest of my body. My mother never thought to make sure I was wearing a bra with decent support, so they bounced all over the place. I wasn’t upset about this because I assumed it was normal, until I found out it wasn’t. It was a warm spring morning, so I was wearing only a tight T-shirt as I walked along the busy street on my way to school. A red pick-up truck drew up beside me. Workmen in the back of the truck pointed to me and called out “Hey, big tits,” while giving me very sexual looks. I was devastated. My face turned bright red; I started crying and ran away. For several months afterward, I made my mother drive me to school. Every time I passed that corner, I felt sick to my stomach. It took years for me to overcome this body image issue and realize that my breasts are one of my most valuable assets.

      Many men also suffer from body shame. The Guardian published an article, “Me and My Penis: 100 Men Reveal All,”3 an interview with Laura Dodsworth, author of Manhood: The Bare Reality (Pinter & Martin, LTD, 2017), a new book about men and sexuality. The author photographed one hundred men’s penises and then talked to them about body image issues and sexuality. What surprised her most? “A lot more men feel a sense of shame or anxiety about their size, or an aspect of their performance, than I would have thought. What really moved me is how much that shame and inadequacy had bled into different parts of their life.”

      Internet pornography causes lots of cock shame. You have no idea how many men feel inadequate because they compare their completely normal size penis to the lengths and girths of porn stars. Men, the cocks in pornography are not normal! They are either digitally enhanced or are injected with drugs to induce an erection and increase engorgement. A 2015 study in the British Journal of Urological Surgeons reported that an average size erect penis is 5.1 inches in length and 4.6 inches in girth (circumference). A 6.5-inch penis is in the ninety-fifth percentile; most porn stars are in the ninety-ninth percentile of penis size! And the truth is that most women don’t really care about the size of a man’s cock, as long as he knows how to use it. In fact, a man with a smaller cock can have quite the advantage when it comes to giving a woman an internal G-spot orgasm with his penis if he learns how.

      Cock shame comes up for boys in many different circumstances as they are growing up. The proverbial locker room cock size comparison has done quite a number on many men. But the majority of cock shaming comes from women who complain about the size of their partner’s cock, or even worse, compare one cock to another.

      Cock Size Shame: Jim’s Story

      Jim was only twenty-nine years old, but was having erection problems. He was referred to me because he was considering having a penile implant, which should be unnecessary in a healthy twenty-nine-year-old man. What was really going on for Jim? In Jim’s last relationship, his girlfriend had complained about the size of his cock, saying he was smaller than other men she had been with. Jim started a regimen of useless supplements (they do not make the cock bigger), as well as a series of intense exercises to stretch his cock. He completely bought into the notion that his cock size was inadequate. This shame had a huge impact on him.

      When I first met him, he had low energy, his shoulders were bent over, and you could tell that he was carrying a big weight. He was struggling with school and his career. In one of our early sessions, we measured the size of his erect penis, and I showed him this chart indicating average penis size.

      Distribution of Penis Size from a sample of 15,000 Men

      Average erect СКАЧАТЬ