Living An Orgasmic Life. Xanet Pailet

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СКАЧАТЬ personally selecting every piece of wood, granite, stone, and platinum. I was certain we would live there for the rest of our lives and that one of our boys would inherit the place. I was living THE life, with all the material trappings that went along with it. My kids went to the best schools in the city. We frequented the finest restaurants, took amazing vacations, and attended premiere Broadway openings and events. And yet I knew deep inside that there was something missing in my life.

      It was actually my oldest son's theatrical talent that had brought us from the DC suburbs to New York City. At age eleven, he was cast in the Broadway production of The Sound of Music. Our move to New York opened up a whole new world to our family. Little did we know that we had a musical genius on our hands. By age thirteen, he was writing and composing music at such a high level that Stephen Schwartz, the composer of the hit musical Wicked, agreed to be his mentor. I often joke that it was the letter of recommendation from Schwartz that got my son into Yale.

      Although my husband was a successful lawyer at a big-time New York firm, he was miserably unhappy with his work. But he was so inspired by our son’s musical genius that his creativity was sparked. In the blink of an eye, he and my eldest became a father/son writing team in the highly competitive world of musical theater.

      In time, and due to my son’s involvement in the theater world, I became a theater producer. I supported many musicals both on and off-Broadway and produced five Broadway musicals, including How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I even made theatrical history by having one of my shows nominated for twelve Tony Awards and not win a single one.

      Tony-nominated theater producer, thriving business owner, mother of two awesome boys, wife of a successful lawyer, founder of a theater production company…as you can imagine, those on the outside looking in thought I was living a fairy-tale life. But as we all know, looks can be deceiving.

      The Widening Divide

      What my friends and family did not know was that my husband and I had stopped having sex when I was thirty-two, a few years after our second son was born. As often happens with couples who lose their physical relationship, we also began to lose any intimacy in our life. Our good night cuddles started to fade away, as did kissing, with the exception of a peck on the lips. The passion we had for each other when we were first married was nonexistent.

      Our king-size bed grew in dimension and there was a dividing line down the middle. We turned away from each other at night and each slept in our own prison. It didn’t help matters that my husband suffered from insomnia and that I had restless legs. Eventually, he left our bed and started sleeping in another room.

      By the time I left my marriage at age fifty, we had been sleeping in separate beds for over fifteen years. The only touch I ever received was from my children. Luckily, my youngest son, was a cuddle-bug. He also was extremely empathic and could sense my loneliness and the rift between his father and me. My youngest always knew when to give me a hug or put a hand on my arm. And he gave great shoulder massages! His gentle touch and presence kept me going through some very challenging times.

      What Happened to Us?

      There is a litany of reasons why my marriage fell apart, both external and internal.

      On the external side, my husband felt like our move from the DC area to New York City forced him into taking a high-stakes, high-pressure legal job while he was on the cusp of receiving an MBA in Maryland. He’d hoped to leave the law and go into business and the move to New York City disrupted his plans. He felt compelled to take a high pressure, high paying job to support the family, and this caused him a tremendous amount of anger and resentment. Ironically, it was the New York City move that ultimately helped him find and cultivate his true passion of being a writer.

      Our family theater producing businesses put a tremendous amount of stress on the marriage and the family. Overnight my husband and teenage son’s work received a lot of attention in the theatrical community. As their talent became more recognized, what was once a fun sideline activity became serious; the stakes for each new musical were very high. It was excruciating for all of us to experience the ups and inevitable downs that go with the creation of new work.

      But the worst part was the role that I played as a theater producer. It is immensely challenging to shepherd a new writer through the insular world of theater. There is a lot of frustration along the way. No matter how brilliant, a new work that doesn’t have an A level production team rarely finds its way to Broadway. The fact that the theater world was even taking their work seriously is a true testament to how talented they were. But as the producer, I was a figure of authority, which complicated my other role as a supportive wife and mother. It intensified the strain on my marriage, which was already veering out of control. It created a tremendous amount of tension and our conversations were fraught with anger and resentment.

      We Were Doomed from the Start

      In hindsight, I can now see all of the internal issues that doomed our marriage from the beginning. Like so many young lovers, we saw in each other a chance to correct mistakes from generations past, but actually just reinforced familiar, negative behavior patterns. For example, my widowed mother had taught me that love was about grief and pain. No surprise then that I chose to marry a man who was in deep grief over a recent tragic event in his life. I sought comfort in the familiar, and eventually, our marriage became a source of grief for both of us.

      But I believe our issues could have been overcome. We might still be married today, but for the fact that our sex life was completely nonexistent. Without that physical connection, what was left of our marriage was a business arrangement. We were partners in the business of raising children, partners in the theater business, but we were not partners in life.

      When I think about the trajectory of the demise of my sex life, I sometimes wonder: what came first, the loss of attraction between my husband and me or my lack of interest in sex? In all fairness to my husband, I was not an easy woman to have sex with. Sex was usually painful and uncomfortable for me. I rarely, if ever, experienced sex as pleasurable. No matter how hard my husband tried to please me, I rarely got turned on. Orgasms were not in my repertoire, except a rare weak clitoral orgasm. Everything having to do with sex was a problem, including getting pregnant and suffering from such severe morning sickness that I was under a mandate of bed rest from the third trimester until I gave birth. I don’t think it was humanly possible for me to feel sexually attracted to the person I associated with so much pain and discomfort.

      So, we just stopped having sex.

      Looking back, I understand why my body would have felt completely betrayed by anything and everything having to do with sex. Of course I shut down. Of course I was relieved to stop having sex. Yet I still felt somehow broken. And then there was the guilt about denying my husband his pleasure and feeling our relationship slip away. We rarely talked about any of this. When we did, the conversations always ended in anger and tears, which created even more distance in our relationship.

      Finding a Home in Your Body

      At the time, I believed my situation was an anomaly. Now I know otherwise; way too many people around the world are disconnected from their sexuality. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior conducted by Indiana University in 2009 reported that 36 percent of women in their thirties did not masturbate in the last year. That number jumps to almost 50 percent for women over age fifty. The good news is that there is more awareness of the role healthy sexuality plays in our lives and more resources are available to address sexual issues.

      If you’re someone who finds sex challenging or feels uncomfortable with your sexuality, I’ve written this book for you. If you’re alienated from your erotic side due to sexual abuse or trauma, you will find a healing balm in these pages. If you can’t surrender to pleasure, can’t sustain intimacy, or want to СКАЧАТЬ