The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook. Liz Fraser

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      Well, as with all relationships, whether with a friend, a daughter, a mother or a husband, there are times when not quite telling it exactly as it happened seems like an attractive option. I have often fibbed to my kids that the swimming pool is closed for lessons or that the telly is broken when what I really meant was: ‘I don’t want to take you swimming because I waxed my bikini line yesterday and it’s gone a bit red’, or ‘The telly is all mine tonight because I want to watch Gosford Park again to stop me thinking about the three litres of water I’m retaining in my thighs!’ I don’t worry about this kind of little white lie (LWL). Telling the truth would require hours of explaining myself and apologising, and my life is so crammed with doing things for them that I just have to say NO! and put my own interests first every so often to avoid going insane. Anyway, it’s not in the same league as telling them, oh, I don’t know, that I won an Olympic gold medal at swimming or I invented television, is it? It’s just a convenient, harmless, occasionally convenient untruth.

      With husbands, LWLs are more serious, and should be used with caution. The very nature of your relationship means that you should be able to say everything—everything—to each other with-out any fear that you will be sent to the doghouse for a week, or that he will bear a grudge.

      

This is all to do with trust. If you don’t trust one another 500 per cent and know you will be forgiven the occasional misguided handbag-buying session or catastrophic poker night, then you really are going to have a lot of work on your hands to keep this relationship going for very long.

      

LWLs erode this trust. Perhaps only a very little bit, but it’s the tiny cracks that always lead to serious splits. Keep things open and honest, and you should have a much stronger partnership to work with.

      

Confront it. If you feel uncertain about something he’s told you, or feel uneasy or suspicious about something, for goodness’ sake don’t keep it to yourself. I have had a few paranoid moments like this, when I’ve found mobile phone numbers in his trouser pocket as I empty them before a wash, or if he says he’ll be home by 11.30 and is still out at 4 a.m. when I get up to go to the loo. In the wee hours (is that why they’re called that?) everything can seem a bit bleak and I convince myself that he’s in the arms of a childless, nymphomaniac sex-kitten. When I ask, there is always an embarrassingly logical, provable explanation, and I have to eat humble pie for a day. But I’m always glad I asked, and he’s always happy that I did—and to tell me I’m a silly girl who should know better.

      

Beware of habit-forming. One problem with telling the odd porky is that it can become a habit, and before you know it you have become completely used to bullshitting your way out of many a tight spot, and you lose sight of what’s true and what isn’t. This is a very slippery slope towards almost certain disaster in the marriage department. Keep a check on yourself, and if you think you are falling into bad habits then get a grip and try to mend your ways.

       Anita, mother of Shania, nine, and Dan, fire:

       Even though I have a job, and should feel absolutely fine about spending my money how I like, I still keep the odd unnecessary purchase a secret from my partner. I think it’s so I can have a moan when he spends money on motorbike magazines when I’d rather keep it for a night out! It’s a bit cheeky I know, but it’s harmless I think.

      I see a pattern emerging here…Spending money on little treats for themselves or the home is the main reason the mothers I asked told lies to their partners. If that’s as bad as it gets, then I think they can all sleep soundly, but it does say a lot about their relationships: they feel guilty for spending money frivolously, or on themselves. There’s a whole PhD in there! Happily, not everyone feels they are so answerable to their other halves and can enjoy some guilt-free treats:

       Amy, mother of Jess, six, and Will, fire:

       I work so hard to look after the kids, and I also have a part-time job. I never feel I have to justify any purchases, because I have earned the money and I know I deserve the occasional treat. If he doesn’t like it, that’s tough luck I’m afraid: I’m worth it!

      How open and honest you decide to be depends on what kind of relationship you have. Some can take a lot more deception and secrecy than others. But from what I can tell, the cleaner that the cupboard under your stairs is, the better for the long haul. Time to grab a duster, perhaps?

      To Clean or not to Clean?

      Having a cleaner is a luxury. I don’t care who you are, what your background, income or size of your pad is, but being able to have somebody else wash your toilet, scrub your bathroom and polish your mirrors is a huge luxury.

      A few years ago I decided to spoil myself rotten and get a cleaner, and it really turned my life around. I had a baby at the time, and two older children, and instead of spending every minute that the baby was sleeping either washing the floor or hoovering under the sofa, I could use that hour to do some different, satisfying brain work like writing (to earn just enough to pay the cleaner!) or sorting out the photo albums, or even to have a rest, and I’d feel ready to play again when the baby woke up.

      But there are also disadvantages of having a cleaner. One, it costs money, obviously, and you have to be sure that this is money you are happy to spend on that, rather than something for the kids or a treat for yourself. Two, it means you are not only letting a stranger into your home but also letting her (it’s usually her, as far as I can tell) see what lurks behind the bathroom bin, on top of the picture rails and under the toilet seat. It’s all very embarrassing, but necessary if you are to have a clean house once again.

      Here are some considerations and tips for deciding whether to get a cleaner:

      

Can you afford it? How much a cleaner charges varies enormously. I know of people who pay £5 an hour—a bit mean, I feel—and some who shell out £50 a week for more general cleaning and housework. The only question you have to ask is: Is paying a cleaner something I can easily afford or is the financial strain outweighing any benefit I might be getting from the extra time and relaxation it buys me? Only you can tell, but do be honest with yourself—remember, it is a luxury, not a given.

      

Are you both happy with the idea? My mother spent twenty years working up to asking my dad if she could have a cleaner, and a further ten years asking him why not. This enraged me—if she wants a cleaner, and can afford it, then let her have one! Alas, it’s not so simple in all marriages, and your partner may not be entirely happy with you spending the family money on a lady who gives the house a quick dusting every week. Talk about it, and see if you can work out who is being more unreasonable. If you still can’t agree, give it a try for a month or two, and then review the situation. If you can have sex a lot more often than usual during this period, showing just how beneficial the cleaner can be, you should be on to a winner.

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