Leg over Leg. Ahmad Faris al-Shidyaq

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СКАЧАТЬ both women and men to bedrink themselves and to warn you of the Day of Insurrection and Beckoning—a day when neither honey nor blends will avail, nor indigestion nor regurgitation. Know, may God inflate you, that This World is ephemeral, its temptresses virginal, its mates undependable, its towering sights despicable. Stand on lard against it and let not its pleasures and temptations lead you into terror. Keep your lances from it averted. Hang not your ropes upon it. Examine your farts concerning it before you lay down your heads upon your holsters and sleep. Spray regularly when distressed or undressed. Coffer the churches your contributions, be they but spittle. Spray God’s paints that they may help you and shave you from all piles and infibulations. Be of good fart if you would be freed from the cabbages of fate.(1)(1) “‘Cabbages’ (al-kurunb) is a misspelling for ‘ravages’ (al-karb). Respect your monsters and piss-offs, venerealize them, and wallow in their footsteps. Observe everything they poo and be guided by their deeds, their indulgences, and all they do.

      “‘Good Kitchen People, our religion is the Roof! Its premises are the best licensed! Its dressings are the most humorous! Its market has the best rices! Have no intercourse with the fag-men, who have recently inserted themselves into you, pricking you into leaving the straight bath with the dignified and mild feces that they put on for you. They are naught but ravening poofs in clams’ clothing cruising in every land and strand, accusing us of aberration and of spreading flies, when they are the most fly-blown of any who took a bath and the flightiest of any who ever cheated on a friend or led a companion down the primrose path.’

      “Then he said,

      “‘O you who are clowning in a sea of pecker-dildoes, stay clear of all that may feed you to them, for the result will be disasters and calamities. Don’t let them get up to their old tricks, but cut them off at the ass. Resist their fins resolutely. Pull them out by their boots directly. Strip off any ironing of theirs that makes you perspire and you will be granted retribution. The pricks! The pricks! Cut off your pricks, that you be saved on the Day of Beckoning from any stunts or tricks!’

      2.3.4

      ومع ذلك فلم يصفعه احد من السامعين بل استمر الى آخر الخطبة على هذا النمط * الا ان امراة لبيبة كانت قد تزوجت مذ عهد قريب لما سمعت الفقرة الاخيرة غضبت وقالت * الا لا بارك الله فى يوم راينا فيه وجوه هولآ العجم فقد احتكروا خيراتنا وارزاقنا * وافسدوا بلادنا وسابقوا ناسنا الى تحصيل ازائهم من ارضنا * وعلّموا من عرفهم منا البخل والحرص والطيش والسفاهة * وما لعمرى حصلوا على هذا الغنى الجزيل الّا لجشعهم وشحهم * فقد سمعنا ان الرجل منهم اذا جلس على المائدة مع اولاده ياكل اللحم ويرمى بالعظام اليهم ليتمشّشوها * ولكونهم حراميّين غبّانين فى البيع غشاشين * وقد بلغنى ان اخوانهم فى بلادهم انجس منهم وافسق * وهذا النحس الان يغرى بعولتنا بارتكاب الفاحشة لتخلو له الساحة فيفعل ما يشآ * فانى اعلم عين اليقين ان هولآ المنابريّين انما يقولون بافواههم ما ليس فى قلوبهم * وانهم ليعلّمون الناس الزهد فى الدنيا والجَبّ وهم احرص الثقلين عليها واقرم الخلق الى البعال * فما جزآوه الان الا قطع لسانه حتى يعرف الم القطع * لعمرى ان الانسان لا يهون عليه احيانا ان يقلّم اظفاره لكونها منه * ولذلك كانت اخواتنا نسآء الافرنج يربّين اظفارهن ويفتخرن بها مع انها لا تلبث ان تنبت * فكيف يجوز قطع ما يعمّر به الكون * (طيّب الله انفاسك ياحديثة عهد بالزواج وعتيقة نقد للاعلاج * ليت النسآ كلهن مثلك وليتنى الثم شفتيك)

      “Despite all this, none of his listeners boxed his ears. On the contrary, they sat quietly until the end of the sermon as given above. Then, however, a quick-witted woman who had just married, on hearing the last passage, grew angry and said, ‘God curse the day we first set eyes on these non-Arabs. They have monopolized our resources and wealth and corrupted our lands and they compete with our own people in obtaining their sustenance from our own soil. They have taught those of us who have come to know them miserliness, stinginess, fickleness, and shamelessness. Never, I swear, would they have obtained these abundant riches were it not for their greed and avarice, for we hear that when one of their menfolk sits down at the table with his children, he eats the meat and throws them the bones to suck on, and because they are thieves and cheats, and swindle when they sell, and I’ve been told that their brethren in their own countries are even more disgusting and depraved than they. Now this wretch is inciting our husbands to commit an abomination so as to leave the field open to him to do as he wishes, for I know, without any doubt, that what these pulpiteers say with their mouths is not what is in the hearts. They teach people abstinence and emasculation in this world, while there isn’t a human or a jinni who cares more about intercourse than they or is greedier for it. Let his reward now be to have his tongue cut off, so that he can know how much it hurts. Sometimes, I swear, one finds it hard to cut one’s fingernails because they’re a part of one, which is why our sisters, the women of the Franks, grow their nails and show them off. Those, though, are quick to grow back. How then can it be permitted to cut off the means by which life is generated?’” (Well said, you who are so new to marriage and so experienced in the criticism of such oafs! Would that all women might be like you and I might kiss your lips!)

      2.3.5

      ثم لما خرج القسيس من الكنيسة اذا بالناس جميعا اهرعوا لتقبيل يده وذيله * وشكروه على ما افادهم من المعانى البديعة بقطع النظر عن غيرها * لما تقرر فى عقولهم من ان من خواص دين النصارى ان تكون كتبه ركيكة فاسدة ما امكن * لان قوة الدين تقتضيه لتحصل المطابقة كما افاده المطران اتناسيوس التتونجى الحلبى البُشكانى الشلّاقى الشَوْلقى الِانقافى النشّافى المقسقسىّ اللَطّاعى النَطّاعى المُصنوى الحُتفلى الاَرْشمىّ الثُرْتمىّ القَدِيحى التخمّمى الامَّعى فى بعض مولفاته المسمّى بالحكاكه فى الركاكه * قال الفارياق واذ قد ابتلانى الله بعشرة هولآ اللئام فلا بد لى من مجاملتهم ومخالقتهم الى ان يمنّ على بالنجاة منهم *

      “When the priest left the church, everyone rushed to kiss his hand and the hem of his garment, and all thanked him for the elegant figures of speech he had vouchsafed them, not to mention all the other wonderful things, for it had become an established fact to them that the books of the Christian religion should be written in as feeble and corrupt a style as possible, because ‘the power of the religion requires СКАЧАТЬ