Walking Behind Schizophrenic Eyes. Perry Ritthaler

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      Suddenly I remembered all of the love that Kathy and I have shared together. Kathy’s familiar perfume smells so good to me.

      I tell Kathy that this is my last night in Florida.

      Kathy grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Kathy asked me; what is wrong with you; why are you leaving me?

      I pulled Kathy closer into my arms as tears rolled down my face. I told Kathy that she would not understand; I could see Kathy is trying to be patient with me.

      Kathy and I went for a walk around the block with heavy hearts; and tears rolling down our faces.

      My heart was overflowing with lost love. I kept holding Kathy’s hand while I pulled her firm body closer to mine. We would stop from time to time gazing into each other’s eyes; and then look at the brilliant stars that cascade across the universe.

      I am deeply in love with Kathy; and I am afraid the government will hurt her if I do not obey the voices sent to me through digital software signals in my head.

      I wish I never got involved with the government because the President feels like a brother I never had; and Don Rumsfeld is like father to me; and now I must leave the country. We were all seamlessly standing back to back facing the world at one time or another.

      Kathy held me in such a special way. Kathy loves me deep inside her heart; and I could feel her love cast into words as she caressed my face. Kathy wanted to know why I have not called her; all I could do was cry into Kathy’s shoulder.

      We kept praying together crying into each other's shoulder most of the night. I love this beautiful Italian lady and she loves me.

      Kathy’s emotions are all mixed up. Kathy knows I am leaving tomorrow; deep inside my soul I can feel the sharp pain tearing Kathy’s heart apart. Kathy told me she dreamt we will get married and have a baby together. I know I am holding someone that I really love; and the love being ripped apart feels painful deep inside my soul.

      I quietly tell myself over and over; I will never let the government hurt Kathy.

      Kathy looked beautiful in a white tight fitting dress under the moonlight; and that night I wished she was my wife. The time was late into the evening; soon I will have to leave the woman I love behind.

      I hated the government for not acting to help me financially during my finacial crisis; making me leave Florida; and the woman I love.

      When I worked for the government; in my mind I made sure that the government never connected me with Kathy; and only now the government can see me walking with my beautiful lady.

      Kathy had to work early the next day; and I could feel our painful separation coming closer. Like small grains of white sand falling through a tiny hour glass; Kathy and I are running out of time with each other.

      Kathy and I kiss each other for the last time; feeling the kiss that ignited flames of passion to last a lifetime. I promised myself that I would protect Kathy from the government; and never contact her again.

      I am afraid to show anyone any love; because I know the government will only hurt the things I love; and use the pain I feel in my heart as a weapon against me.

      One day vengeance will be mine.

      The only way I have protected my friends is by never showing the government voices in my head I love any of my friends. I love Kathy; and leaving her behind is the only way I can protect her from the government.

      I walk Kathy over to her new yellow mustang convertible; and I could feel more tears rolling down my face. We were both shaking and crying as we kissed each other good bye.

      As I watched Kathy drive out of my life I knew Kathy has my heart; and I feel the cold empty dark hole appear deep inside of my chest. Tears of misery cover my face; and these drops of salty water fueled my thoughts of revenge and hatred toward the government.

      I fell to my knees and I cried into my hands; what have I done to myself?

      I keep telling the voices in my head I hate the government for making me do this to myself.

      Deep inside of my heart; I just wanted to keep working and stay in Florida. More than anything I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Kathy and my old brown cat.

      I feel like the government has crushed my life by not helping me financially; I could feel my eyes getting wilder as the anger overflowed out of my brain into my soul. I vowed to myself that one day I return in another program as “President Fantasy Spy”.