Everyone Loves You When You're Dead. Neil Strauss

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СКАЧАТЬ She promised to keep her virginity until marriage.

      AGUILERA: Oh? (Rolls her eyes and looks into the fire, then turns back again, perturbed.) I can’t believe that.

       That bothers you?

      AGUILERA (scrunches her face, disgusted ): She’s not a virgin!

       Aguilera’s publicist rushes in to prevent her from saying too much in front of a reporter.

      PUBLICIST: Maybe it’s Jessica Simpson. She’s like that.

       The publicist whisks Aguilera away. When night falls, the interview continues in Aguilera’s Toronto hotel room as she snacks on pizza, Coke, and Chips Ahoy cookies.

      AGUILERA: The secret to eating junk food is to only eat a little at a time.

       I’ve heard you talk about spirituality a few times. What are your beliefs?

      AGUILERA: I’m Christian, and I believe in God. I wish I could go to church more often on Sunday. I really do. That’s also a reason why it’s so important to stay grounded, because it could all be taken away tomorrow. All of this [success] isn’t something that I did. I don’t view it like that. It’s something that is totally there for a purpose. He wants me to do what I’m doing for good, do you know what I mean. But I think my personality fights with that sometimes. (She switches on all the lamps in the room.) I’m afraid of the dark. I have nightmares.

       That makes sense for you.

      AGUILERA: Really? I’m afraid of spirits and things. Especially with living in hotel rooms. You never know who was in there before you, or what happened exactly in this room. I hear these stories. It freaks me out.

       Did you see spirits when you were a kid?

      AGUILERA: I used to see my guardian angel when I was very young. My mom and I were playing hide-and-go-seek one time. I ran up the stairs and my mom was saying, “I’m going to get you, I’m going to get you.” And all of a sudden, I looked up and stopped dead in my tracks. There was this guy and he was in an all-white outfit, just kinda glowing. He was looking down at me. He had a white beard.

       Was he looking over you benevolently?

      AGUILERA: Yeah, he was looking down at me calmly and very peacefully.²²

       So that should help you sleep at night, knowing someone’s watching over you.

      AGUILERA: It should. But usually I can’t, so I end up just writing in my journals. I’ve been on my own, and it’s kind of lonely and crazy when so much stuff is thrown at you. Sometimes you feel like the whole world is waiting for you to mess up (pauses). I kind of wrote a song about what I’ve been going through this year. Want to hear it?

       Sure.

      She rolls off the couch, staggers sleepily into the bedroom, and returns with a small, lined notebook.

      AGUILERA: I wrote this song, and it has kind of a gospel feel. Have you heard Mariah’s first album? It’s kind of like “Vanishing,” but it’s more personal. I wrote it with Heather Holley, who wrote “Obvious.” I wish I had a tape with the piano part. It would mean so much more with the music, but maybe you can just imagine it.

      (She turns her head away, so that she’s gazing out of the picture window, and sings:) “The world seems so cold / When I face so much all alone / A little scared to move on / And knowing how fast I have grown.” The piano gets really soft here. (Singing again, her voice crescendoing:) “And I wonder just where I fit in / Oh, the vision of life in my head / Oh yes, I will be strong . . .” Then there’s this whole belting thing in the chorus.

       She finishes the song and sinks into the sofa exhausted. Minutes later, she is under the covers in bed, curled on her left side in a crescent shape.

       True to her word, years later, Aguilera spoke at several women’s shelters, donating $200,000 to one of them.

       More than most other musicians, you’re under a microscope all the time. Why is it that other entertainers can discuss doing drugs, but—

      BRITNEY SPEARS: But if I go out and have a drink, it’s like, “Oh my gosh, Britney went and had a drink. What’s going on?” I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why. It’s really bizarre.

      

       Maybe the reason is because early on you set up an image for yourself that people are holding you to?

      SPEARS: See, that’s such an irony. People are like, “You were so innocent, da da da da,” and all that. And I’m like, “No, I wasn’t. You guys said I was too sexual when I first came out with ‘. . . Baby One More Time.’ ” You can’t win, man. You know what I mean?

       Well, we can probably figure out why everyone held you up to that standard.

      SPEARS: I don’t know why.

       Maybe it’s because—

      SPEARS: I don’t know. I have no idea.

       Maybe it’s because you did play a part in making your virginity an issue and telling teen magazines that you wouldn’t drink or—

      SPEARS: I’m growing up. I’m twenty-one. I can’t play with dolls forever. I mean, I love my dolls and I still collect them. But you understand what I’m trying to say.

       So how do you keep people’s expectations and criticisms from getting in the way of just living your own life?

      SPEARS: Well, I try not to read anything, because it’s all bull at the end of the day. It’s really silly. I mean the stuff about me, personally. Trust me, I’m such a victim of going and sitting there and buying Us Weekly. I find it so interesting. I do, I do. But I choose not to read stuff about me. It’s just weird. I try to make it basically about my music and that’s it.

       It’s interesting how every record you make, people always say it’s your “grownup record.”

      SPEARS: I think you never grow up. If anyone says that they’re completely full-grown, what’s the fun in that? It’s like every day you want to learn something new. Every day you want to challenge yourself and get better. It’s not like this one’s the grown-up record: This was just a moment in my life that I’m going through. I’m not grown up and I’m not a little girl. I just am.

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