The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right. Ellen Fein

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СКАЧАТЬ better when men call you? That’s because when they call you, they’re doing the dialling, they want you, miss you at that moment and can’t wait to hear your voice. When they call you, they’re the aggressor, they’ve thought about what they’re going to say and have made the time to say it. They’re available!

      The Rules work for you when they call you because you may not be home and they’ll wonder where you are or have to call again. When they call you, you might be busy and have to nicely cut the conversation short. It will be easier to do Rule 6: Always End Phone Calls First, when you let them call you.

      But none of us are saints, and the reality is that we sometimes have to call men back. Not call them, mind you, just call them back. If, for whatever reason, you have to return a man’s calls, try to wait. Don’t call right back. When you do, keep the conversation short and sweet. Don’t tell his machine what time and what nights you can be reached or volunteer any additional information about how he can reach you. That would be making it too easy for him and you will appear too eager. Let him figure it out! Remember, you’re a Rules girl and you’re very busy! A Rules girl typically comes home to many messages on her answering machine from men trying to fill up her weekends.

      Now what if he leaves a message on your machine on Tuesday night and you’re dying to get a Saturday night date out of him? Do you call back Tuesday night? The Rules answer is no because it will seem obvious that you are probably calling to get a Saturday night date. Better that he call you again by Wednesday night (the absolute cut-off) for a Saturday night date. Better not to have a date on Saturday night than to get in the habit of calling him. The Rules are not about getting a date, but a husband. Don’t win the battle and lose the war.

      Remember, The Rules are also about not getting hurt or dumped. We never want you to go through unnecessary pain. Life has enough pain without our adding man pain to it. We can’t control cancer or drunk drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialling his number. If you call him and he doesn’t return your call or doesn’t ask you out, you’ll be crushed. If you call him, he’ll think you’re not so elusive and he won’t have to work so hard. If you call him, he won’t get trained to ask you out at the end of each date. He has to learn that if he doesn’t ask you out when he sees you, he might not reach you on the phone so soon and not see you for a week or two. It’s not that you’re impossible to get, you’re just hard to get. Remember, you’re very busy with activities and other dates and you make plans ahead of time. But don’t reprimand him for not calling sooner by saying, ‘If you had called earlier …’ Just say, ‘Really, I’d love to, but I can’t’. (He’ll figure out he has to call sooner).

      If he’s in love with you, he’ll start calling Monday or Tuesday for Saturday night. If he doesn’t love you, then he won’t call you again and again until he pins you down.

      However, don’t be surprised if a man takes a week or two after the first date to call. He may have a lot of things going on or he may be dating other women. He may be trying to fit you into his schedule but just isn’t sure how to do it. Remember, he had a life before he met you! Don’t flip out! Just get busy (so you don’t think about him twenty-four hours a day). Give him space, wait for him to call.

      Here’s a good example of how to handle such a situation: Our friend Laura waited two and a half weeks after her first date with David to hear from him. David was newly divorced and needed time to think before jumping into another relationship. A Rules girl, Laura gave him time and space. Unlike most women, she didn’t call to ‘see how he was doing’ or with some other excuse like, ‘Didn’t you say you needed the name of my financial planner?’ Sure, Laura was hurt, but she made plans with friends and went on blind dates. She had a pragmatic attitude. She knew that if he liked her, he’d eventually call; if he didn’t, it was his loss! Next! When David finally called, she was nice and friendly. She didn’t demand to know why he didn’t call sooner and want to talk about it. They dated for ten months and are married now.

      One last thought about the phone: sometimes we want to call a man we are dating not to speak to him, but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply going to die if we don ‘t hear his sexy voice this minute! That’s understandable. We suggest you call his home answering machine when he’s at work. Hang up before the beep. It really works!

Rule 6 Always End Phone Calls First

      Don’t call men (see Rule 5), except occasionally to return their calls. When a man calls you, don’t stay on the phone for more than ten minutes. Buy a timer if you have to. When the bell rings, you have to go! That way you seem busy and you won’t give away too much about yourself or your plans (even if you don’t have any plans). By ending the conversation first, you leave them wanting more. Good conversation enders are: ‘I have a million things to do,’ ‘Well, it’s been really nice talking to you,’ ‘Actually, I’m kind of busy right now,’ and ‘My beeper’s beeping, got to run!’ Remember to say these things in a very nice way.

      Women love to talk. And one of their biggest faults is talking to men as if they were their girlfriends, therapists or next-door neighbours. Remember, early on in a relationship, the man is the adversary (if he’s someone you really like). He has the power to hurt you by never calling again, by treating you badly or by being around but indifferent. While it’s also true that you can reject him, the fact is that it’s the man who notices you, asks you out and ultimately proposes marriage. He runs the show. The best way to protect yourself from pain is to not get emotionally involved too quickly.

      So don’t stay on the phone for an hour or two recounting your feelings or every incident of the day. You’ll become transparent very quickly and run the risk of making him tired or bored. He does not want to date his crazy younger sister, his chatterbox mother or his gossipy next-door neighbour. He wants to talk to a girl who’s friendly, light and breezy. By getting off the phone first, you don’t have to wonder if you’ve kept him on too long, bored him or revealed too much about yourself. Because it can be very difficult to monitor the amount of time you spend on the phone when you are ‘in like’ or in love, we again suggest using a timer or stopwatch. When the bell rings, you sweetly say, ‘I really have to go now.’ A timer is objective; you are not.

      It doesn’t matter if you’re having a great conversation and you want to tell him all about what happened to you between the ages of five and six that shaped your life. When the bell rings, the conversation is over. Remember, you always want to be mysterious. Having to get off the phone first creates a certain amount of mystery in his mind. He’ll wonder why you have to go so soon, what you’re doing, and if you’re dating someone else. It’s good for him to wonder about you. The Rules (and a timer) will make him wonder about you a lot.

      You may think that men will find your abruptly ending a phone call rude and won’t call again. On the contrary, just the opposite often happens simply because men are irrational when it comes to love. For example, our friend Janet set her timer to four minutes one evening. ‘Got to go,’ she said at the sound of the bell. Five minutes later he called back to insist that they start seeing each other twice a week instead of once a week. The four-minute call worked like a charm, bringing him closer to her, not (as you would expect) farther away.

      If you’re a genuinely nice person, you will probably feel cruel when you do The Rules. You may think you are making men suffer, but in reality you are actually doing them a favour. By doing The Rules, you make men want to spend more time with you on the phone and in person. They get to experience longing! Tell yourself you are doing them a favour when you feel heartless about doing The Rules!

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