Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly. Jeff Stelling

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      Now, managing all of this on a regular League day can be a tricky business. Handling this data during the closing weeks of the season, when champions are crowned and teams are promoted and relegated, can be a bloody nightmare. Throw in UEFA Cup and Champions League qualification and you have yourself a plate-spinning act that even Paul Daniels would struggle to orchestrate.

      Then, of course, some clubs are hoping for an Intertoto place or looking to sneak into Europe with an exemplary disciplinary record. Others are chasing the play-offs, so you have to be aware of all the possible combinations of results and their implications. So, for example, on the last day of 2007/08 a lot of interest focused on Bournemouth. They needed to win to stay up and would have done so, just as long as Gillingham didn't win. Obviously, I mentioned those facts. But I also looked for human interest stories to liven up the show – in this case, Bournemouth were in financial trouble at the time and their players had been on half pay, but they still managed to win their last six games under manager Kevin Bond, which was their best run since 1971 when John Bond – Kevin's dad – was their manager. Phew! I'm getting flustered just thinking about it now.

      It's a tricky business to manage all this information, so I guess it can be a blessing that Scotland has usually closed for business by the end of the season. Before the Sky mail office starts getting bombarded with angry letters from north of the border, remember that many of the champions and relegated teams have been decided long before the season's close. Still, you try to pay the Scottish leagues lip service, but the relevant stats are more of a challenge than the English ones because very few websites feature the names of first-team players, let alone squad players. A lot of the teams outside of the Premier League will even have A. Trialist and B. Trialist on their books, unnamed players who are literally trying out for the team. I remember when one team even had ‘A. Trialist’ and ‘B. Trialist’ on the scoresheet, though I don't think they were related.

      Generally I collate my own figures, but we also have a stats man from Sky who will give me an info package. There's a lot of stuff on these weighty stacks of paper – some of which I'll use, some of which I won't use, but I'll never take these stats packs into the studio because there's simply too much info on there. I'll sift through them during the week and maybe pick out anything I'm interested in. The fact, for example, that at one stage during the 2007/08 season Aston Villa scored 46 of their 69 goals in the second half of games might come in handy at some point, though I can't imagine when.

      When I'm not at the Winchester services, the remainder of my research takes place in the office at Sky. On a Friday, I'll trawl the websites for new information and news stories. I'll keep up to date with injury news, transfer speculation, and all the topical information at each club. I'll also go through the papers again. From Sunday through to Friday I'll always read a handful of publications to grab a cross-reference of stories - The Times, the Sun and the Mail for news, the Racing Post because it's great for statistical information, and the Daily Record for Scottish stories.

      When it comes to websites I'll look at the reputable ones. I won't bother with official club pages because they tend to be a bit too politically obtuse - they certainly won't give the gory details on any negative stories. I remember for the Aston Villa versus Wigan game at the end of 2007/08, the big talking point was whether Gareth Barry was going to Liverpool. The news sites were full of quotes and comment, but the official websites for both Liverpool and Villa were bereft of any info. Still, by going through all the available sources, I can throw the subject open to the panel on the Saturday for a serious debate and enter my own opinion, if necessary.

      Generally, this is the way I plan the conversations for the show's build-up - the first three hours before the games kick-off. I'll decide where we want to go in terms of discussions and I'll warn the pundits before the show begins, usually in the hotel bar on the Friday night where the Soccer Saturday crew drink wildly, I mean, prepare for the next day.

      Do I get inside info on any clubs or players? Not really. There are certain clubs that, for one reason or another, I've built up a good relationship with, but it's generally teams like Gretna and The New Saints rather than Liverpool or Chelsea. A lot of that info comes from people we meet in the week or even managers and players we've bumped into on a Friday night when we're staying in the hotel.

      On other occasions, I'll rely on the pundits for that info. A lot of them still have great links with their former clubs. Matt Le Tissier never has his mobile phone switched off in the studio (which he should have, by the way). Just before last season's transfer window, James Beattie had been in tremendous form for Southampton. Matt and Beats are good friends and, during the show, Le Tiss texted him, saying, ‘We're talking about whether you're going to move or not, mate, what should I tell them?’

      Later his phone bleeped and, off-camera, Matt showed me the reply, which was, ‘Tell them, “Fuck all.”’

      So we get info that way, and most of the lads are still well connected. Thommo still has his links with Liverpool and chats regularly to Steven Gerrard. He'd never quote him directly, but it gives him an idea of what's going on at Anfield. Le Tiss is still in touch with Southampton. Merse has contacts here, there and everywhere, though he doesn't talk about Walsall (where he had a stab at management) that often, mainly because the fans can't stand him. Charlie is very much ‘in’ with a number of football agents, and my own agent looks after a lot of players. If I'm ever struggling for info I'll call him and say ‘Am I on the right track with this story?’ He'll ring back and say, ‘No Jeff, you're miles away.’

      Do I get info that I'm privy to that I can't reveal? There have been instances. When Steve Bruce left Birmingham, we had a pretty good idea on why he went, though we couldn't mention it on air, because it happened for financial reasons. It was also a mathematical conundrum so complicated that Carol Vorderman would have struggled to understand its intricacies. But then, our info on Steve Bruce was always pretty good, because his daughter, Amy, worked on the programme. I remember she came in one morning and told us that her dad had been to see Mamma Mia the previous evening, which we gleefully reported on the show. Of course we refused to let it go. ‘Have they met their Waterloo?’ ‘Will the winner take it all?’ That sort of standard. Sadly Amy has left now. Steve can now sleep on Friday nights knowing that his best-kept secrets will remain just that.

      Sometimes you'll go to a dinner or an event and bump into someone interesting. I remember being sat next to Rick Parry at a function and he was telling me about the events taking place behind the scenes at Liverpool. These details weren't for public broadcast because they were confidential, but it gave me an understanding of what was going on at Anfield. In those situations you have to remain discreet. I certainly wouldn't say, ‘Well, Rick Parry mentioned this to me the other night.’ I was told in confidence, so that's how it remains.

      As you can see, it's a lot to handle. When it comes to six o'clock on a Saturday evening and the show is over, I can't remember a thing. Absolutely nothing. I guess your brain is like a sponge. It soaks up all the information, you squeeze it all out during the show, and then it's completely dry again, which means I'm absolutely rubbish at pub quizzes. People are forever inviting me, but I always tell them that I'm hopeless. They never believe me, and it's only after four or five questions that they'll realize that I really am bloody rubbish. In reality, I don't have a big library, or a towering stockpile of books and encyclopaedias. I don't have an army of researchers. I'm not a ‘statto’. I am a football fan with a few local newspapers, a laptop, a mobile phone and a Wimpy in a motorway service station. But as you can tell from my svelte figure, I hardly ever use it.

       4 You Can Say That Again The Catchphrases Of Soccer Saturday

      A few years ago, while buying a sandwich (from СКАЧАТЬ