Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly. Jeff Stelling

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ part of the show has to be the most entertaining. There are lots of different ways of maintaining excitement, though not all of them are popular with viewers, depending on how your team have done that afternoon. I remember there was a game at Manchester United and I was about to go to Charlie who was commentating, leading in with the words, ‘There has been a late penalty at Old Trafford, so you won't need me to tell you who it's gone to.’ it's a common complaint that the penalties always go to Man United at Old Trafford, especially in the closing stages of games, so it was our way of acknowledging the fact.

      You have to be careful, however. I once got an email from a very angry fan of bottom club Derby who had been enraged by one of my links. After cutting to their game against in-form Spurs, I announced, ‘There's been a goal at Pride Park and it might not be the way you'd expect it to go [that is, to Spurs]. But on the other hand it might be.’ Derby had conceded and the next day a fan complained that I'd teased him, and demanded a public apology:

      ‘Jeff Stelling is bang out of order. I'm a Derby fan and he insinuated that we'd scored against Spurs when we hadn't. It was infuriating. He must be reprimanded.’

      I understand it can be bloody irritating to people, but it's only irritating if it's going against you. When the results are going your way, you tend to feel less annoyed about the presentation of facts. And of course, there's a lot more riding on these results than simply pride - football spread betting is so big these days that the number of corners in a game can swing huge amounts of money either way, especially on the panel, all of whom are shameless gamblers. Often, the likes of Charlie and Merse are sitting there with their spread-betting coupons, counting the goals and hanging on my every word - when they should be watching the game in front of them.

      It happens outside the studio, too. A friend of mine, Harry Findlay, who is a professional gambler, watches the show religiously every Saturday. He always says to me, ‘You do my bloody brains in, because you never know which way the goal has gone when you introduce a match report.’ I'm quite proud of that. You have to create some drama to entertain the folks at home.

      It can be difficult to keep your composure when the scores of my team, Hartlepool, flash up on the videprinter. I might be reading out another result and then see their name appear at the bottom of the screen. It takes all my concentration to remain focused, because like any fan, I want to know how they are doing on a Saturday afternoon. Off-screen, I'll be punching the air or, more than likely, looking like a picture of doom and gloom.

      The other distraction I face is that, as the excitement builds during the afternoon, my vocal cords are put under a tremendous strain. There's a lot of shouting going on, but so far I've managed to maintain my voice, though there have been some close calls. I had one email after a particularly hoarse afternoon saying, ‘Jeff, mate, you sound like Rod Stewart after eating a bale of hay, man! Get someone to the chemist's to get you a bottle of Sanderson's throat specific mixture, it'll have you singing like Chris Kamara during a 10-goal thriller. Get well soon, from Leon the Burnley fan.’

      I'm not like Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston - I'm not one for drinking milk-and-honey concoctions before I go on air, though I do treat my body like a temple the night before and try not drink too much alcohol.

      TIME: 4:45-ish

      THE FULL-TIME SCORES/POST-MATCH ANALYSIS

      It's a job to keep your concentration at this point. The panel are a constant distraction. Because they've finished for the afternoon, they're often talking and messing around, but generally they know not to push it too far. Still, there have been times when I've had to say, ‘Look guys, will you shut the fuck up?’ Offmic, of course. Former Villa striker Alan McInally is the worst, because he's a right old woman. He'll be sitting there with the other maids - John Salako (former Palace midfielder) and Paul Walsh - gossiping away. I always think, ‘Do you mind?’

      Sometimes you can hear the research team working away in the Sky Sports studio behind us. I remember Rodney would often stand up - sometimes we would even be live - and shout, ‘Will you lot shut up?!’ Then he'd carry on as if nothing had happened. So it can be distracting, yes, but I use all of my professional experience and charm to remain composed.

      TIME: 5:17

      POST-MATCH INTERVIEWS

      This is the most difficult part of the day in many respects, mainly because it feels like the calm after the storm. During the first part of the show you're building up to kick-off. There are a lot of laughs, the adrenaline is racing and it's really good fun. When the games start, the show and my job increase in tempo until I almost hit fever pitch at four-thirty. The pace doesn't relent until around five o'clock, give or take a few needless minutes of injury time (at Old Trafford usually) and delayed kick-offs.

      After this rush and the reading of the final scores, there's a natural lull. It's important to keep some sense of momentum going, but that really depends on the post-match interviews we're picking up from around the grounds and the assessment you get from the guys on the panel. When it comes to evaluating the games, what we don't want from the likes of Charlie and Thommo is, ‘Well, in the 10th minute, this happened. In the 32nd minute, this happened …’ and so on and so forth. What we need is a succinct evaluation of the game and some recurring themes – poor defending, exposure at set pieces, the form of one or two particular players – to summarize the results. We don't want lists. We want interpretations of what has happened, just like every watching fan.

      You hope these summaries are lit up by some entertaining postmatch interviews. Gordon Strachan was always a dream to get on the show when he was the manager at Southampton and Coventry City. I remember one reporter asked him if he could have a ‘quick word’. In a flash, Gordon responded, ‘Yes. Velocity,’ before turning on his heels and walking away. It was fantastic moment. In another one of his post-match press conferences, a hapless journalist asked, ‘Gordon, do you think you're the right man for the job?’ He sighed. ‘No, of course I'm not. I'm nothing like the best man for the job, but I'm the best they could get at that moment in time.’

      If you ask Strach a stupid question, you're going to get murdered, but it makes for great telly. One of our guys even asked whether he became depressed after losses and poor performances. ‘Depressed?’ snapped Strach. ‘Depressed?! I get suicidal. I'm going to go home and lock myself in a dark room, I'm not going to come out. Not ever.’

      This turned into a five-minute rant on what he was going to do when he got home and brightened what was an otherwise dull close to the evening. You can also rely on the likes of Fergie, Arsène Wenger and Paul Jewell to deliver good interviews. Martin Jol was very good when he was in charge at Spurs. And, of course, there was the Special One, Jose Mourinho. He was a godsend. But again, he could be miserable. During one interview he answered every question with the words, ‘Yes, no, yes, no …’ much to the despair of the Sky crew at work. Eventually Mourinho said, ‘Have you got any more of these questions?’ before walking off. But even though he was being rude to a reporter (who I believe was making his Sky debut), it was great to watch.

      Managers and players can be difficult at the best of times, and even more so at the worst - when they've lost. I can understand why it's difficult for footballers to articulate their art minutes after swapping shirts and applauding the fans. They must be knackered. It's also worth noting that a TV crew would never grab Phil Collins as he walked off stage from a Genesis gig (my guilty pleasure, I apologize) to talk a live audience through a particularly powerful drum solo. So, put in that context it seems absurd to quiz a player on things they probably can't even remember. Then, of course, there is the political implications of giving a controversial answer: criticizing a referee or team-mate can land you in hot water with the club or the FA. Having said that, players and coaches are СКАЧАТЬ