Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly. Jeff Stelling

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СКАЧАТЬ the show, panellists were told that they shouldn't be shouting out at all, and even now they're not encouraged to make all that noise, but it just happens naturally, mainly because they become so engrossed in their games. I think it really adds to the atmosphere and sense of occasion for the viewer. There you are, viewer, on your sofa, sandwich or scotch egg in hand, and you'll hear a shout off camera. If it's from one of the panellists commentating on your team, then it can make for a heart-racing moment, especially if the goal has gone your way.

      I think Rodney Marsh first brought that sense of excitement and drama to the show, simply by shouting. But then Rodney would shout about just about everything – even if somebody had won a throw-in. At first it was all part of his act, and there was a feeling that he would do it for effect sometimes, but over the course of the last 10 years, it's become one of the show's trademarks.

      Meanwhile, my eyes at this stage of the programme are focused almost completely on the videprinter which displays the latest scores and scorers as they happen. This is the most important tool I have at my disposal, because it's my link to the outside world. I've also got a little box on my desk which plays eight different live channels, or games, so I can flick to different matches - if I see or hear that something is happening four seats away in Charlie's chair, then I can flick to TV number four and check on what he's watching. From there, I can instantly see which team is celebrating, who has scored the goal, who has made the mistake that has led to a penalty, and why the ref is incorrectly booking somebody, and so on. It puts me in a position where I can also add comments to the situation if needed. I might get to see a replay of something, but generally I haven't got time to do that and I'll try to get to the relevant commentator as quickly as I can. Everything flies by in a blur.

      TIME: 3:21

      THE AD BREAK

      At last, a breather. Tea and biscuits all round. One of the show's biggest masterstrokes was convincing advertisers to allow us to continually run the latest scores across the screen during the ad break. This was an idea of Vic Wakeling's, the MD of Sky Sports. By maintaining the levels of action and a constant news-feed while the viewers are bombarded with images of tea-drinking chimps (no, not us!) and plutonium-strength deodorants, we've ensured the action rarely lets up in pace. As a result, these are probably the most-watched adverts on the telly. We weren't sure whether the advertisers would go for it when we first suggested the idea, but the one thing we all knew was that ad breaks were the only time that people generally get up and make a cup of tea or turn over. By keeping the scores on-screen, people were guaranteed to watch the adverts as well. It was a little stroke of genius.

      TIME: 3:49

      HALF-TIME

      This is the point where everybody on the show goes out and gets a sandwich and a cup of tea. Sadly, I have to sit there and read out the scores, which can be infuriating, as Matt Le Tissier scoffs more than his fair share of crisps and chocolate – there's never anything for me to eat once he's finished. It's also a worrying time for me, as the half-time break presents the perfect opportunity for Charlie Nicholas to ‘redecorate’ my car.

      This prank started a few seasons ago. While I was dealing with the half-time scores, Charlie decided to wander into the car park to find my beautiful motor (please pretend along with me) before decorating the exterior with leaves, branches and litter bins. There were also one or two road signs and ‘Men At Work’ notices positioned on the bonnet. This soon became a ritual. Out of consideration for my paintwork, I started to move my car from its regular spot, but Charlie would seek it out and wreak his usual havoc no matter where I parked it. I even went as far as parking it a quarter of a mile up the road, but Charlie would still, somehow, get to his target. Shame he wasn't so proficient when he was playing up front for the Gunners.

      Anyway, things got so bad that I had to park in the Tesco's car park, which was located over the road from the Sky Sports studios. On that occasion, Charlie came back after half-time with a face like thunder.

      ‘Where the fuck is it?’ he bellowed.

      I had a quiet laugh to myself. ‘You'll never know, mate, you'll never know.’

      He's stopped doing it now, but for a while it became a weekly ritual, much to my despair. It's a terrible feeling knowing that somewhere out in the streets of Middlesex, your newly polished car is being covered in crap, especially when you're reading the scores from Scotland's Second Division.

      These pranks might seem somewhat immature to our more sensible viewers, but I guess it's an indication of what life must have been like in the dressing room for a lot of footballers. If his current sense of humour is anything to go by, though, Charlie must have been a right bugger when he was a player. Thank god he didn't play for Wimbledon - I would probably have had my eyebrows shaved by now.

      TIME: 4:01

      THE SECOND HALF

      The only way to deal with the big rush of information that invariably hits the videprinter in the second half is to babble your way through the latest scores and scorers as quickly as possible, desperately hoping that you haven't missed anything out. I always try to make sure to mention at least every goal, even if it's disappeared off the screen - it's awful for a fan to turn their back for a split second or disappear for a cuppa only for their score to flash up. Over the years you develop a sense of how to separate the important news from the trivia, and goals are the most important part of the show.

      When they flood in at the business end of the show - which is basically the last 10 minutes of a game - you have to dispense with the gags, puns and banter. There's simply too much information to relay to the viewer. And even if Kenny ‘The Good Doctor’ Deucher has scored (a cult Soccer Saturday figure, more of which we'll come to later) and you want to make a gag about Granny Mae (likewise), there simply isn't time. You always have to remember that, despite the humour that's so prevalent in the studio for much of the show, it's vital to keep the flow of results going. Making gags only serves as a needless distraction at this stage.

      Behind the cameras, it is chaos, but it's organized chaos. The show is orchestrated by two people: Karen Wilmington (Wilma) and Ian Condron, our director and producer respectively. These two have to be absolutely on the ball behind the scenes, watching for scores, deciding which match reporters to cut to and debating where the action is so we can seamlessly switch from report to report. Obviously the tempo and pace of the show increase as we reach the final whistle. My role is to organize everyone on the panel, ordering them to be succinct and straight to the point when they're relaying the information from their TV screens to the viewer. The usual cry from the producers at that time is, ‘Walshy be brief! Walshy be brief! Fucking hell, Walshy, be brief!’ as panellist Paul Walsh rumbles on through an update. Despite his prolific goal-scoring record for Liverpool and Spurs, he has absolutely no idea what the word ‘quick’ means.

      By this stage of the show, I am in my stride, and shouting and babbling like a madman. If I had to start at this pace from three o'clock, then it would be a bit of a problem, but because the whole show has been building towards these final dramatic minutes, I don't really notice the increased drama or tempo. If there is late drama – which there always is – then the shouting and the cries among Thommo, Charlie or Le Tiss make it so much more exciting. It's brilliant fun and the chaos works really well on air.

      At the same time, you have to write all of the information down as it's happening, because later, as you recap, you'll need to know who has scored the goals as the games come to a close. I must say that in the last 10 to 15 minutes, the Scottish Second Division and Third Division fall by the wayside. I'll still pay them lip service and mention the scores, but I won't always catch up with the scorers and events until the final results. Something СКАЧАТЬ