The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

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      Mikmik’s owner shrugged, knowing his friend didn’t cut the two of them off from the other side of the world on purpose. ‘It’s OK, boy. Let’s go and find out what else is on this side of the planet, and we’ll go back home once this spot freezes over. I could use the holiday anyway. Would you like that, Mikmik? Eh? Would you?’

      Mikmik panted with delight and the two continued on their walk. About two days later the pair stumbled upon one of the most magnificent sights ever seen by man or dog. The glacial trail they had been walking on suddenly gave way to rolling steppes teeming with all the wildlife that used to inhabit Siberia, plus all sorts of new animals that looked as though they might be really tasty. It was Alaska, and it held a bounty unlike anything Mikmik could have imagined. Also, land prices were super low since there were no other humans around.

      Mikmik and his owner knew they had found a new home for their Mahlemut family, and they hurried home to round up the wife and kids. Three weeks later they returned to Alaska and became the first homeowners in the New World.

Interpreting Commands

      All humans talk to a dog at some point in their lives.

      Those who live alone tend to confer with us because they have no one else. Others have lots of people around but are chatty and like to be talking constantly, even if no one is paying attention. A few actually expect us to participate in the conversation. We recommend steering clear of these people.

      No matter what the situation, you should always listen when your owner talks to you. He’s trying to say something.

      However, there is a difference between talking that is conversational and that which is meant to be authoritative. It’s usually pretty easy to distinguish between the two. Obviously if you’re on the table eating the flowers, it’s a good guess that you’re in big trouble, because you’re on the table eating the flowers.

      Things become more complicated when humans, specifically owners, don’t always mean exactly what they say. An order you interpret as being angry or negative may not be so at all, and may just be their awkward way of reacting to something else.

      So how can you tell what’s really going on? What should you do? See opposite for a list of situational commands and recommended responses.