The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls
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Название: The Dastardly Book for Dogs
Автор: Chris Pauls
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Зарубежный юмор
isbn: 9780007483426
isbn:
Today there are thousands of shoe varieties from a wide array of regions. Each has its own distinct aroma, texture and complexity of flavour.
With this broad palette to choose from, the connoisseur must determine which one is right to fit an occasion or one’s prevalent mood.
Here are some favourites, covering many seasonal possibilities and owner budgets. We recommend all without reservation.
Jimmy Choo Crystal Accented Slingbacks: Delicate and with a pedigree, offers a gnawable two-inch heel, tender, earthy back strap and a band of Italian crystals on top which can be picked off and savoured individually. Be forewarned: Indulging in this shoe right before a wedding may come with repercussions.
Russell & Bromley Loafers: Enjoyment of this tasselled slip-on can be maximized by giving it a good soaking in the toilet for a time and then tucking it away in your shoe cellar to let it develop a musky richness. The true shoephile will enjoy deconstructing its complex leather weave.
Nine West Ballet Pump: With its simple, soft underside and light-bodied upper, this flat shoe’s a perfect everyday choice. Its tidy front ribbon and springy elastic back add a surprise finish. Goes great with a dry biscuit.
Dolcis Wedge: The woven wedge heel has a light, breezy flavor, and its ankle wrap ribbon maximizes dragability. Winner of the 2007 Bournemouth Silver Chomp Award.
Animal Slippers: Synthetic materials are subtle at best but usually dull. Lack of flavour, however, is trumped here by the pure satisfaction of tearing one of these big, soft animal-shaped shoes apart. Their design and hearty texture provide a good dry run should you ever find yourself having to do battle with a real lion or monkey.
Bottega Veneta Fantasia Tropez Thongs: Perfect for an afternoon at your owner’s friend’s fancy holiday cottage. Its intricate metallic-front design has a rich bite and allows for good gripping. The decadent leather bottom gives this shoe a smooth, luscious balance.
Rugged Outdoor Sandals: This ambitious shoe features an intense trainer-like bottom and juicy sandal top. A flavour dynamo, with deep notes of Gold Bond. Appropriate for all occasions.
Off-brand Trainers: Opens with a heady bouquet of gym locker, revealing notes of Malaysian pleather. Relish its poor construction in late summer before school starts. Best savoured with an appreciative human child.
Ecco World Class Wing Tip GTX: Tear through its heady leather upper, but you’ll be challenged by its waxed laces and reinforced interior. Cleats offer tyre-like chewing properties with lingering flavours of dirt.
SPECIAL NOTE TO CONNOISSEURS AND BEGINNERS ALIKE: There is one type of shoe you must leave untouched. This is the type with wheels coming out of the bottom. These shoes magically make your owner go much faster, turning a regular walk into a fantastic run!
Even if you have never seen a cat, you have heard the stories. They have nine lives. They crap in a box. They stare at you constantly. They fly when you aren’t looking. They will turn you into a cat if they bite you during the full moon. Well, some of those are true, and others are less true. It is estimated by the Dog Estimation Bureau that some 35 per cent of all dogs have to share living quarters with a cat, despite the fact that they share few of the same values as dogs. Contrary to what some posit, cats are not our mortal enemies. On the whole they’re just fussy and indifferent for reasons no one can understand. Cats are just a fact of life that we may as well get used to. To that end, here are some invaluable cat facts.
First and most important, cats are weird.
Cats startle pretty easily. These things startle a cat: barking, running, being licked, trying to play.
Cats do not appreciate stinky things, so don’t even try to share.
Cats are constantly looking for things to scratch in order to keep their claws sharp so they can pop you one right on the nose.
Cats can run very fast and crawl under places you cannot reach. Be careful not to hit your head trying to chase them.
Cats do not like to be chased, even if they deserve it. They will often make this clear by popping you one right on the nose with their sharp claws if you try to chase them. Not fair!
Cats do not honour territory. They will sleep in your favourite spot, even though cats are perfectly fine sleeping anywhere.
Because cats are silent, they get away with things we would be punished for. For example, a cat can easily jump on the table and lick the sour cream off a potato until it hears your owner coming back. Then it scampers away, leaving you to take the blame for there being no sour cream on their potato. As if you’d ever eat delicious sour cream from a yummy potato!
Cats take lots of naps. They do not like to be disturbed, and have been known to pop you one right on the nose with their sharp claws if you nudge them or bump them. Ouch!
Cats spend a lot of time licking themselves, and not just their bottoms. All over.
If you give a cat an earplug, it will bat it around for hours. If you give it a stick, it won’t even get off the couch for it.
Cats can sleep on their owner’s beds whenever they want, even though they prefer to run around all night crashing into things.
Cats refuse to do tricks, except for the aforementioned crapping in a box, which is pretty stupid, because then they do not have an excuse to go outside.
Cats are very territorial about food. If you try to have a look at what they are eating, you may find yourself getting popped one right on the nose with their sharp claws, even if they are not interested in eating it. Hey!
When a cat wants something, it will not bark. It will make another noise.
If your owner inexplicably brings one of these animals home, don’t even ask why. They don’t seem to be much good for anything, and thinking about it can drive you crazy. Instead of trying to work out why you now have to share a water dish with some sulky disobedient animal, you should spend that time brushing up on them. The best policy for СКАЧАТЬ