The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

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СКАЧАТЬ Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Your food bowl will probably be close to the food bowl of the cat, and, let’s face it, it’s hard to avoid an animal that is competing for affection and occupying the same indoor space as you. The following pointers are a good introduction to peacefully coexisting with a cat.

       Don’t bark your displeasure. Barking will only annoy your owners, and you will be scolded. Don’t make cats look good by comparison.

       Your owner will always take the side of the cat. Wait until he is gone to give a cat the business, then pick it up in your jaws. Don’t clamp down. This will remind it who the boss is.

       If you come across a cat who looks as though it stuck its paw in a light socket and sounds like a balloon leaking, back away slowly or you could end up getting popped right on the nose with its sharp claws!

       There are times, and they are rare, when you will be lying on your side and a cat will walk right up and lie down next to you, nuzzle up and go to sleep. You should enjoy this peaceful moment, because a few awkward minutes with a cat can get you months of lighter punishment if this cute little scene is witnessed by your owner. This is worth double if he takes a picture.

      If you are still having a hard time with all this, just remember that as much as you like to sleep, cats like to sleep even more, giving you some well-deserved time to romp freely. Romp as much as you want.

Building a Kennel

      Inside has its upside. It’s usually an agreeable temperature, features many comfortable places to nap, and is, of course, the location of your food bowl. The downside is, when you’re indoors, there’s no way to really know what’s happening outdoors. Think about it. This very second, sticky new pine cones could be falling from the sky or a squawky jackdaw might be making a racket with impunity. How would you know? You wouldn’t! Not when you’re inside, anyway.

      Is there some way to bring the benefits of indoor living outside so you can keep an eye on things in comfort? Absolutely! It’s called a kennel and building one of your own is easy.

      These steps will lead you on the path to dog home ownership and peace of mind.

      Step 1. Pick the spot where you want your kennel. It should be prime territory with clear views of garden entry points such as the gate, large trees, and the dark space under the veranda. It must be prominent enough to show potential intruders that you own the place, but just secluded enough to allow for an element of surprise when confronting a trespassing squirrel or errant party balloon. Once you’ve chosen your site, take care not to do your business in that general area. Then begin the process of turning that patch of lawn into dust by digging, running in circles and lying there all afternoon. This is your foundation, so invest some time and don’t cut corners.

      Step 2. Once you conceive a design and begin assembling materials, you will quickly realize that you possess neither carpentry skills nor an opposable thumb to operate the required tools. These things make kennel construction possible. You must now secure the assistance of your owner.

      Step 3. Next time you are brought back inside, have a snack, then immediately begin barking to be let outside again. Your owner will ignore you at first, but persistence will reap benefits.

      Step. 4. You should now find your outdoor time readily increasing. When this occurs, park yourself on your foundation while looking mournfully at your owner’s home. If it’s raining or really hot when you’re let out to do your business, don’t be eager to scratch on the door for re-entry. Just sprawl out on your foundation and look really pathetic. Put on the saddest eyes you’ve got. Make it clear that you really, really like that spot and you wouldn’t be so miserable if there was some sort of shelter available there. Repeat until your owner heads to the DIY superstore.

      Step 5. Congratulations! You have a beautiful new kennel!

How to Escape Humiliating Costumes

      However much you wish to please your owner, you must put your paw down when it comes to costumes. Being dressed in a studded biker helmet and a pair of vinyl chaps demeans you both. If your owner insists on putting you in one of these costumes, bark twice, aggressively, to voice your displeasure. If he is unable or unwilling to listen, you must do everything within your power to escape from the outfit at once.

      Remember, it is not disrespectful or disloyal to escape from a ridiculous outfit. In fact, it is imperative you do so immediately. Otherwise you will most assuredly be photographed, the photographs will surface on the Internet, and you will have little chance of ever recovering your dignity.

      It is of the utmost import that you destroy the outfit post-escape. This cannot be stressed enough. You need to send a bold message to your owner, which is that you prefer the noble, comfortable costume you were born with to that of a mermaid, policeman, or lobster.

      Techniques for escaping several ‘popular’ costumes follow.

      REINDEER

      This common seasonal humiliation is fairly simple to escape; all you have to do is work free of the awkward antler headdress. To do this:

       Fig. A

      1 Bow your head until the antler tips are touching the floor.

      2 Work the antlers into the ground. (See fig. A.)

      3 The antlers should fall from your head. Pick them up, take them outside, and quickly bury them in a neighbouring garden. (See fig. B.)

       Fig. B

      Alternative technique: Run full speed throughout the house. Steer the antlers into valuable dishware and through tall stacks of important papers. Do not stop until after you have heard your owner screaming. He should remove them quickly.

      ELF

      The holidays are rife with costuming dangers. Those fortunate enough to escape the loathsome reindeer outfit should not gloat too quickly, lest they find themselves outfitted in the dignity-robbing elf costume. The elf is a mess of green felt and buttons. Depending on the complexity of the costume, you may suffer the additional embarrassments of a ‘jolly’ red cap, bells that ‘jingle-jangle’ or a shiny black belt which holds up purely imaginary trousers. Either way, you will look like a Year Two art project unless you make short work of this costume. Thankfully, if you have ever employed a vertical surface to scratch an itch, you can escape this costume with little difficulty. We suggest the following techniques:

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