The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls
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Название: The Dastardly Book for Dogs
Автор: Chris Pauls
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Зарубежный юмор
isbn: 9780007483426
isbn:
2 Begin rubbing the costume against the wall, slowly at first, and then more forcefully. At the same time, use your paw to tug the bottom of the costume towards the floor.
3 The snaps holding the felt costume around your shoulders should give, freeing you.
4 If you are wearing a cap, you may use the removal techniques listed above (for antlers) or below (for hats). (See fig C.)
Fig. C
Important Note on Accoutrements
If you are wearing bells, you MUST slip out of these PRIOR to your escape attempt! Bells telegraph your every move, and if you are to succeed in your escape you need to perform these manoeuvres in secrecy. Slip them off your paws as quickly and quietly as possible before proceeding.
When you have removed both parts of the costume, resume with the final step:
5. Shred the costume thoroughly. We suggest ripping each item into at least thirty-two smaller pieces. (See fig. D.) Chew on it, drool on it, but whatever you do, be thorough. You want to ensure that felt never touches your fur again.
Fig. D
ZORRO
This humiliating outfit presents the twin challenges of hat and cape. Mastering the cape escape is a difficult task, but one well worth knowing. You can expect to encounter the cape again in Superman, Pimp Dog and most Elvis costumes.
Fig. E
1 Locate the draw strings, generally found under the muzzle, which allow your owner to tighten or loosen the cape. (See fig. E.)
2 With your paw, bat the string into your mouth. This will take some effort.
3 Pull on string. The cape will fall to the floor.
4 To remove the hat, rub your head furiously against a piece of furniture until the hat is knocked entirely askew. Continue, working the hat free from your head, until it is on the floor.
5 Urinate on hat. Urinate on cape. (See fig. F.)
Fig. F
HIPPIE
This costume is essentially nothing more than a brightly coloured, modified elf costume, but it’s far more degrading. You’ll want to remove the hat and wig first. Unless you have previous experience with Velcro, the rest of the outfit will take more time.
1 Lie on your back.
2 Wriggle and nip at the outfit. Remember to use your teeth – they’re your best resource. If you hear what sounds vaguely like a bag of treats opening as the outfit loosens, you’re doing well. (See fig. G.)
3 With your dominant paw, bat at the hat/wig until it goes over your ears and off your head.
4 Defecate on wig. (See fig. H.)
Fig. G
Fig. H
Epic Walks – Part One The Land Bridge
Thousands and thousands of years ago a land bridge spanning what is today the Bering Strait brought an unprecedented migration of animals and humans from Asia to North America. Of the many treacherous treks, perhaps none were as epic and important as the one made by Mikmik, the first dog ever to set foot on the North American continent.
Mikmik resembled a modern-day Malamute, but like many of our primitive ancestors he had several physical characteristics no longer seen in the breed. For example, Mikmik had blue (not brown) eyes, was twelve feet tall, and had three-foot tusks. Mikmik lived a peaceful life in eastern Siberia with his Mahlemut Inuit family. He hunted arctic lions and sea monsters with the men, rolled in the snow with the kids, and even aided the women in stitching together fine sealskin parkas. This was Mikmik’s life: simple, serene, and pretty cold, since he was in Siberia during the Ice Age.
The morning of the landmark walk began quite unassumingly. Mikmik’s owner clapped a few times and enthusiastically asked, ‘Want to go out, boy? Do you? Want to go out?’
Mikmik darted for the door of the igloo to indicate that, yes, he did in fact want to go out. His owner grabbed the polar-bear-sinew lead, and off they went. Normally Mikmik and his owner had a standard route they stuck to: head up to the big glacier, toss the narwhal tusk around for a little bit, and then back home. That morning, however, Mikmik’s owner had an argument with the wife about spending too much time clubbing seals and not enough time with the kids, and because of the row Mikmik’s owner really needed to let off some steam.
‘I’ll tell you what, boy,’ said Mikmik’s owner. ‘Why don’t we head east today – try something new?’
Mikmik was all for it. Recently Mikmik had noticed that a bunch of the wolverines, sabre-toothed lynx, wooly mammoths and giant short-faced bears he usually chased on walks weren’t around any more.
As they strolled along, Mikmik’s owner began airing his marital woes. ‘She just – oh, she doesn’t understand me sometimes, you know? It used to be just us – just me and her, and that was great. But now with the kids and the food scarcity – there’s a ton of pressure on me that I’m not sure I can deal with. Oh, did I tell you she wants to move? She says we need more space, as if I can afford a bigger place with the amount of walruses I’m bringing in.’
Mikmik loved his owner, but the endless rambling stream of complaints about domestic life was becoming annoying. Still, they had now been walking for a solid two hours and Mikmik didn’t want to wreck this great walk, which is exactly what would happen if he told his owner that it was time to face facts, recognize he’s not a sixteen-year-old any more, and accept his new identity as a family man with obligations.
After another hour of griping and moaning, Mikmik’s owner sighed, looked up at the sun to check the time, and said, ‘OK, СКАЧАТЬ