Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday. Debbie Graber

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СКАЧАТЬ taken down. Please note: Posting unauthorized placards in a public building is a misdemeanor in the state of California. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Although the temporary software developers were expected to begin work this morning, they have not yet arrived. We do not know the reason for this delay. But do not worry: the welcome potluck is still on. Please enjoy Luz Endoso’s famous pansit noodles and the many other goodies in the second-floor conference room.

      EMPLOYEES:

      The Laotian team’s absence is still under investigation. In answer to a frequently asked question, the Laotian overseas firm is not, we repeat not, a front for terrorist activities. We have consulted with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, and in no way do they believe that our building has been targeted for a terrorist attack. Production Solutions has asked Robert, Doc, and the other security guards to be extra vigilant, just in case.

      We ask also that you stop e-mailing the software-questions queue, as it is full.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We have been informed by the firm in Vientiane that the Laotian software team decided to reject our offer. Please do not blame them for their choice. In business, it’s never personal. Many factors went into their decision. We will continue our search for new software developers to help us grow our business and build our dreams.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Please do not speculate as to why the team from Laos rejected our offer. It is not our concern if they decided to “power up” with Entertainment Options instead of us, and anyway, this rumor is unconfirmed. Please do not spend time worrying about things that are out of your control. Concentrate instead on doing the best job you can. Help a client by answering your phone instead of letting it go to voice mail. Brush up on knowledge-base articles about previous versions of our software. If you need to, stretch quietly at your desk. Thank you in advance.

      EMPLOYEES:

      In answer to a frequently asked question, yes, Mike Heno took executives from the Laotian firm to a Los Angeles Kings game. It is part of Mike’s job as an HR manager to entertain people who can help us solve our staffing issues. Mike was as surprised as anyone that the firm rejected our offer at the last minute. The Laotians reportedly enjoyed the game, and one of them even purchased a foam finger. The executive team has every confidence in Mike and the rest of the HR group. Please do not e-mail Mike directly, as he has gone on leave.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Please do not e-mail the executive team with questions about the deposit paid to the Laotian company. We are working hard to secure the return of those monies, as well as the Costco gift cards that were sent in advance.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We understand that you are feeling stressed, and we appreciate that you are weathering the storm as well as can be expected. But we must request that you please, per the confidentiality agreement that 58 percent of you have signed thus far, refrain from discussing the missing software department with outside parties, whether they are family, friends, or news outlets. Having crews from local stations, CNN, and Fox News perpetually parked outside the main entrance is not good for business. Already, many of our clients are refusing to send their staff to our building to pick up their payroll checks for fear they may disappear.

      As Franklin D. Roosevelt said so famously, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” It turns out that he was right. Try to not be afraid; it rubs off on others. Now is the time for all of us to pull together and continue to wow our clients in the face of adversity. The best thing you can do is to excel at your job.

      We are still planning to hold midyear reviews.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We would like to take a minute to acknowledge the suggestions we’ve received from you all over a frankly difficult past few months. Here are a few of your many “out of the box” ideas for new directions in which to take the company:

      1. Turn the building into a day-care center. Use employees (nicer employees) as caregivers.

      2. Repurpose the building as a Banana Republic outlet. Offer employees 40 percent discounts.

      3. Transition the business into a soy-candle boutique called Sea Whispers. Offer employees 40 percent discounts.

      4. Convert the building into a jai alai fronton. Use employees to run concession stands and larger employees (Doc, Robert, and Cookie) as security.

      While the executive team appreciates your suggestions, we remain committed to our current business model. Thank you for understanding.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Because we value your creative spirit, the executive team is excited to announce a new slogan contest! While we’re very fond of our current slogan—“Production Solutions: WOW!”—we believe our valued employees can do even better. E-mail your ideas to [email protected]. Participants will receive tickets for a raffle to win a 7-Eleven gift card and some lottery scratchers.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We have to discuss a sensitive situation with you. As some of you know, Deirdre Dempsey, whom we have long esteemed for her perfect attendance record, has been out of the office since Monday. Rest assured, Deirdre is not missing. When you see her next, you will notice that she is wearing a wig. This is because she has been diagnosed with stress-related alopecia. She is under the care of our HMO’s doctors and will hopefully regrow her hair in time. Please try not to ask her too many questions, as this will worsen her alopecia. Please note also that this occurrence, while unfortunate, is completely unrelated to the disappearance of the software department. The FBI is diligently following every lead.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Due to this year’s challenges, it is unlikely that anyone will receive a merit raise following the next performance-review period.

      EMPLOYEES:

      For those of you who have inquired, the executive team has not had time to judge the slogan contest. We have been extremely busy dealing with various local, state, and federal investigations, not to mention the loss of most of our business. For those who sent nasty e-mails regarding our unresponsiveness, shame on you. We have hardly slept the last several months. We would ask that you show a bit more courtesy. Or perhaps you were born in a barn? You know who you are.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Some of you have heard that Project Manager Jim Smalley appeared to his wife in a dream. He was dressed like a Boy Scout and was selling boxes of Trail’s End Popcorn door-to-door. When his wife asked him where he was and what had happened to him, he smiled and said, “Support our troops.” Then she woke up.

      To this end, please support our troops for all their efforts by purchasing Trail’s End caramel corn from Doris McClellan’s son, Travis, who will be in the office on Thursday. Do it for the software department, wherever they may be. Please note that Travis will be carrying only twenty dollars in change.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Due to managerial leaves of absence, e-mails to [email protected] will no longer be read. For answers to your questions, please refer to the new FAQ list below:

      1. СКАЧАТЬ