Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday. Debbie Graber

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      Please note that the search continues for the software department, and that the executive team realizes that, since we are primarily a software company, we cannot function without a software department. We are meeting about this every day.

      EMPLOYEES:

      A new e-mail address has been created for questions regarding the software-department situation. Please e-mail [email protected]. Do not ask HR or the executives for updates, as we are extremely busy. Thank you for your cooperation.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Production Solutions is going through a challenging time, and we appreciate your efforts to remain calm. Some of you have managed to complete your work in a timely and error-free manner. A shout-out to Rachel Kaiser, in particular, who answered more calls this month than anyone else in tech support—more than three hundred calls! Congratulations, Rachel! A gift will be on its way, pending management approval.

      Others, however, have not been as successful at regulating their anxiety. Please note that e-mailing the software-questions address several times a day with speculative “leads” will not rectify the situation any faster. Nor, for that matter, will hounding your managers about when MPM 3.0 is going to be released. It is also unhelpful to hit the Ignore button on your phone, leaving your fellow tech-support representatives to answer your calls. (Congratulations again, Rachel.)

      And let it be said too that neither kicking over the soda machine in the break room nor spray-painting a pentagram on the wall is the optimal way to handle stress. Instead, consider these options: talk to your coworkers about the latest sport scores during your state-mandated fifteen-minute break; take a yoga class before or after work; remove your headset and take deep breaths at your desk.

      We must continue to act in the best interests of our clients and the company. Thank you for your attention.

      EMPLOYEES:

      In answer to a frequently asked question, our HMO does not currently cover yoga classes. It also does not cover chiropractic or acupuncture. We will bring these items up with our insurance provider during negotiations next year.

      EMPLOYEES:

      It is imperative that we not let our competitors or news outlets learn about our current challenges. To that end, an electronic legal agreement is up on the intranet, which you must sign electronically as of five P.M. today. It is vital that all employees sign the waiver. It is a simple one-click signature. Once you have done so, a Starbucks gift card will be distributed to you by your manager. The only way to obtain the card is to sign the waiver. If you have any questions about the waiver, the software department, or anything else related to this current obstacle to our company’s success, please direct them to [email protected].

      EMPLOYEES:

      It has been brought to our attention that Starbucks is not accepting some of your gift cards. This was an oversight. New gift cards will be distributed to those who have complained and whose electronic-waiver signatures have been verified. Please do not e-mail the softwarequestions queue with theories about the lack of funds on the Starbucks cards, and do not listen to anyone who tries to convince you that Starbucks has something to do with the disappearance of the software department.

      It has further been brought to our attention that some employees do not drink coffee. Per their requests, we are looking into using Costco gift cards in the future. Please note: Starbucks gift cards cannot be redeemed at Costco.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Many of you have inquired as to why new software developers have not been hired during such a crucial time. Please know that the HR department has been working tirelessly to hire temporary workers. Although we reside in the software-development capital of the nation, finding new staff has proved trickier than you might expect. Despite our best efforts to keep the software department’s disappearance out of the public eye, news has trickled out to our competitors and to news outlets, making it challenging to attract top talent. We are investigating this security breach to the best of our abilities.

      EMPLOYEES:

      We are pleased to announce a partnership with a Vientiane-based firm that will send over temporary programmers from Laos. The firm promises that its workers will “power up” quickly, get the work done, and then “power down” and leave the country immediately. These temporary employees will not drain our 401(k) plan, nor will they be given spot raises, bonuses, or Starbucks gift cards. They will also not be allowed to park their rental cars in the parking lot until we can have the missing software department’s vehicles towed.

      The Laotians will arrive next week, and we’re thrilled to have them continue the software department’s work creating user-friendly software that offers real-world solutions. We’d appreciate it if you would make the effort to introduce yourselves. As managers of one of the fifty most engaged companies in California (Westways Magazine, June 2011), we trust that our employees will welcome the outsourced workers with open arms. Instead of using your break to go across the street for a Big Gulp, why not take a quick field trip to the second floor and extend a friendly greeting? Incidentally, “Sa bai di, mu pheuon” means “Hello, friend” in Lao.

      EMPLOYEES:

      Due to employee demand, we have created a list of FAQs regarding the team arriving from Laos:

      1. What is Laos?

      Laos is a country in Southeast Asia. For more information, please consult: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laos.

      2. When you say that the Laotian team will “power up,” does this mean that they are robots?

      No.

      3. Is Production Solutions paying for the team’s meals and housing?

      Production Solutions will pay them a housing stipend. The team has also been issued Costco gift cards.

      4. Will the Laotian team receive health benefits?

      Health insurance for the new team is being covered by the outsourcing firm. We believe their co-pay for the urgent-care clinic on Hollywood Way is ten dollars.

      5. Will any current employees be terminated?

      All Production Solutions employees are classified as “at will,” meaning they can be terminated at any time. Please refer to page IV 3.2–3.6 in your employee handbook for more information about what it means to be an “at will” employee.

      6. How long will the Laotian team stay?

      In the event that the software department resurfaces, the Laotian team will remain until the FBI closes its investigation, then will “power down” and leave. If the software department fails to resurface, the team will stay on until the new release date for MPM 3.0, which is the last day of the third quarter. The executives have been in meetings about the missed first deadline for the release of MPM 3.0 with our clients, who have been extremely understanding about the circumstances.

      EMPLOYEES:

      It has been brought to our attention that a sign reading FOR AMERICANS ONLY has been hung next to the urinals in the first-floor men’s room. It was neither placed there by facilities СКАЧАТЬ