Letters of Not Lite. Dale Shaw

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       A publisher writes to Geoffrey Chaucer

       14th February 1394

      Dear Mr Chaucer,

      Thank you so much for letting us have a look at your book The Canterbury Tales. We are returning the manuscript to you at this time.

      Even though this is the first writing I have ever encountered in the English language and indeed the first book I have ever actually seen, I have to say I found the whole thing rather derivative.

      I just didn’t fully engage with the premise.

      All of the main characters suddenly finding themselves together in one location and proceeding to conduct a storytelling competition?

      Though this is the first written story I have ever seen, it seemed a bit of a stretch and it was too trite and convenient for me. If there were people around who could actually read at this time, I feel that readers would find it difficult to stomach this plot device. I imagine that the two or three religious types and noblemen who have actually achieved literacy would want to see more of themselves in the story, as opposed to this scattershot approach where Millers, Pardoners and Wives of Bath suddenly converge and begin spinning yarns so readily.

      And setting it in an inn is an enormous mistake. Even though the common man in our times only visits taverns, churches or their own hut, the setting completely alienates the teen market that is so important these days thanks to the exceptionally low life expectancy. Maybe try a blacksmith as an alternative? Everyone likes blacksmiths.

      The ‘low grade’ humour that was on display was my main concern with the work. These are sophisticated times, Geoffrey. Medicine has proven that we are controlled by a number of humours that provoke illness when imbalanced. Many serfs now employ the use of a rudimentary wooden plough that can sort of move field soil in almost three days. And now one in fourteen of our infants survive childbirth. This level of development should be reflected in our culture. Bottom kissing, sphincter singeing and anal shenanigans do not suit these enlightened times.

      There is a lot to commend the work and I don’t want you to get downhearted. The fact that it is a book at all, where there aren’t really any other books in existence, is definitely a plus point. Could I beseech you to attempt a rewrite based on these thoughts? I know there aren’t any other works around to compare it to, but perhaps you could take a look at what other authors are producing and see what’s popular in the market. It’s almost certainly going to be The Bible, so what about something like that? But without the religious overtones? And less farting?

      Thanks again for letting us look at it. Hope your plague clears up soon.

      Leonard Beauclerc

      Random Dwelling Publishers

      Only Street

      Southwark