Sea Music. Sara MacDonald

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СКАЧАТЬ anything that you don’t feel defensive about?’

      Lucy was stung. ‘You don’t understand. If I am defensive, it is because all my life she has been critical –’

      ‘Lu, this is a circular conversation. We are not going to have an argument about the dragon in a wig. You’re right, I don’t know what it feels like to be her daughter. I don’t know what it feels like to have had a working or ambitious mother. I think you are just very different people and it’s a shame you don’t get on. I am sure she is as proud of you under her fiery nostrils as you must be of her.’

      Lucy reaches the steps and stops again, the sweat pouring down her face. The bloody thing is she is proud of Anna. She remembers her coming to her school to give a talk on careers, just after Lucy had taken her GCSEs. Anna arrived looking stunning, immaculate. When she started talking you could have heard a pin drop in the hall. Lucy was fascinated. It was like watching someone she did not know. Anna the barrister in full stimulating flow, encouraging debate, challenging assumptions. Anna alive, doing what she was best at. For two hours she had forty girls and thirty boys from a neighbouring school riveted.

      Lucy pulls herself up the steps, panting. It was the same day that she told Lucy she was going to marry the German banker. In bed that night in the silent dormitory, Lucy thought: that is why she looked so beautiful, why she was so sparkling. Anna is in love.

      Lucy had already decided she wanted to leave school and take her A levels at a sixth-form college. There was no way she was going to go back and stay in a small flat with Anna and her new husband. The thought was gross.

      Barnaby was back from Northern Ireland and was staying in the cottage on leave. Lucy rang him and asked if she could go down and live in the cottage and take her A levels in Cornwall.

      Barnaby thought she was too young to live in the cottage on her own, and her grandparents were too old to have a seventeen-year-old living with them permanently. Lucy argued that she had been staying in the cottage every holiday of her life and that it was ten steps to Fred and Martha’s front door.

      Both her grandparents thought it a wonderful idea. It was the first time Lucy saw Barnaby sad. He was leaving the army and seemed distracted. He took off on his own, went travelling. Lucy thought maybe he wanted to stop being a priest.

      When Lucy was about to leave for university he came home. He had applied for a parish in Cornwall to be near Martha and Fred. Martha was not very well, but no one knew what it was then.

      Lucy reaches the cottage and bumps into Barnaby coming out of the gate. He bursts out laughing when he sees her. ‘Oh my goodness, look at the state of you! You haven’t got any fat to lose, for heaven’s sake. I came over because Homer was howling his head off.’

      ‘Homer is a spoilt brat,’ Lucy says, looking sternly down at the dog.

      ‘Of course he is, he has lived with your grandparents all his life. He only transferred his affections to you because you go for longer walks and do not ration his biscuits. Are you coming over for breakfast or are you working?’

      ‘I am coming over. Is Gran up? Are you cooking bacon and eggs?’

      ‘Your gran is having breakfast in bed as usual and I am not cooking bacon and eggs. The logic of you running and then eating a cooked breakfast escapes me.’

      ‘That is because you are a man,’ Lucy says sweetly. ‘I am on a twelve-to-three today and I need sustenance to get me through.’

      ‘You might get a boiled egg. Spoilt brat,’ Barnaby says, turning and ducking through the garden gate, trailed by Homer. Lucy grins and goes to ring Tristan.

       Chapter 6

      The first thing Anna hears as she opens the front door is Maria Callas. ‘Suicidio! In Questi fieri momenti.’ She stands listening, leaning against the door. Evening sun catches the coloured panes and flickers across the hall. She can smell the smoke from one of the small cigars Rudi smokes.

      The moment is so perfect, Anna feels reluctant to break it. She goes up the stairs slowly. It has been an especially good day and she is home early. Her flat consists of two floors. The room off the hall at the front of the house she uses as a study or third bedroom. Adjoining it is a tiny breakfast room with a gas ring and small sink. It has French windows on to a tiny terrace garden, which she and Rudi use in summer. On the first floor there is a drawing room, two bedrooms, bathroom and kitchen.

      Anna loves this flat. It contains everything she needs. She has lived here a long time and spent a lot of money, but it is now worth four times what she paid.

      She pushes the drawing-room door open quietly and watches Rudi for a moment. He is sitting in the leather swivel chair, half turned to the window. The Times is spread over his knees but he is not reading. His head lies back against the chair and his eyes are closed as he listens to the music.

      Anna stands quite still looking at him. The way his hair, grey-white, grows just over his ears. The way his face seems always tanned. The way the long fingers of his right hand hang over the arm of the chair. His mouth firm, with tiny vertical lines.

      There is something sensual and intimate in watching someone with their guard down, watching the face of someone you love when they think they are alone. Her stomach knots with the strength of this love. It bites suddenly at her being, unnerves her so much she puts her arm out to the wall to steady herself.

      The shadow of her arm makes Rudi turn, swing round in his chair, startled. He just catches the expression on her face before it changes into a smile. He holds her eyes and his own heart leaps. There is a depth to Anna he will never be able to penetrate. Yet that fleeting, powerful look that he caught on her face tells him everything he needs to know. She loves him with a passion that renders her vulnerable. Someone once betrayed her.

      The moment passes. He smiles and opens his arms, gets up out of the chair. ‘Anna, how wonderful! Unexpected. You are home early!’

      Anna laughs. ‘It’s a miracle!’

      They stand holding each other. The raw moment of exchange hovers between them, still there in the gentleness of their arms and hands resting on each other’s back as the voice of Maria Callas flows round them.

      ‘I thought,’ Anna says, leaning back to see his face, ‘that I would like to take you out to dinner. I booked a table at that new Italian place, because I thought we could walk, it’s such a lovely evening.’

      Rudi breaks away to turn the music down. ‘Are we celebrating anything other than the fact you are home early, my darling Anna?’

      ‘Well, I have just been told my name has been put forward again as a circuit judge.’

      ‘Anna! How wonderful. This is what you want? Does it mean more work? Less work?’

      ‘Different work. It means travelling, but it would be promotion. I would not have the huge casework I have now.’ She smiles and picks her bag up. ‘But I have refused before, and I think I will refuse again, I am addicted to the fight on the floor. It is just gratifying to be asked!’

      They walk into the kitchen and Rudi gets a bottle of wine from the refrigerator.

      ‘I start СКАЧАТЬ