Black Ajax. George Fraser MacDonald

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СКАЧАТЬ twist, got in a fearful wax ’cos I called him Sleeping Beauty … not a bad bowler, mind; not in Brummell’s parish, but too good for me. No, boxing was my game – and milord Byron wasn’t up to my snuff there, I can tell you, gamecock though he was. Small wonder. Why, I was the best amateur miller of the day, bar Barclay Allardice. I floored Cribb … once. Shan’t tell you what he did to me …

      Did I know Molineaux? Good God, man, I told you I remember him, but one don’t know that sort of specimen. Nigger pugs, what next? Anyway, what the devil is he to you, whoever you are? Who let you in here, for that matter? You ain’t a patient, are you? Or one o’ those damned mealy brain-scrubbers? No … you don’t have the style to be barmy, and not sly enough for a pill-slinger … damn them all …

      Ah, the Superintendent let you in, did he? And said you might talk to me? Burn his blasted impudence, never asked my leave – who the dooce does he think he is, my keeper? Aye … that’s precisely what he does think, rot him. Well, let me tell you, sir, that my apartments are not to let, like most of ’em. I am one of a select band of gentlemen resident in this charming rural establishment because we have lost the battle with delirium tremens – temporarily, I hasten to add – and are in need of a breather between rounds, so to speak. We are here of our own free will, at exorbitant rates, have the freedom of the grounds, do not consort with the loonies, and … I say, you don’t happen to have a drop of anything with you, I suppose? Flask, bottle, demijohn, something of the sort?

      Ah, pity. We might have spent a convivial hour discussing thingummy … Molineaux, did you say? Interesting aborigine, that … don’t suppose there’s a man in England could tell you more of his doings, in and out o’ the green fairy circle, than I … oh, the old pugs, to be sure, but their wits are addled, and fellows like Egan and Hazlitt would just rap a deal of romantic nonsense. They don’t know the story of Barclay’s gloves, or Joe Ward and the bullets, or how that ass Sefton came within an ace of challenging Prinny to a duel – yes, over Molineaux, I do assure you – or the indiscretions of Lady … ah, but we shan’t mention names, what would they say at Almack’s?

      Yes, we could have had a jolly prose together … but I cannot abide dry discourse, what? So, good day to you … don’t roll your eyes or laugh too loud on the way out or they’ll clap you in the comic box before you can say “Bender!” Adieu, adieu …

      What’s that? You could call again after luncheon … with a spot o’ lush, no doubt. My dear fellow, what a capital notion. Put ’em in separate pockets so that they don’t clink … the attendants here have ears like dago guerrillas, ’tis like being in the blasted Steel … Better still, tell you what – see down yonder, past the trees, there’s a gap in the fence that our turnkeys haven’t twigged yet, much frequented by the local mollishers – personable young females of loose conduct, sir, who disport themselves with us wealthier inmates, for a consideration. Gad, the state of the country! I shall be there at two, you can run the cargo in safety, and we shall not be espied or earwigged …

      Damn you, did I say two o’clock or did I not? Already? Gad, how time flies. Well, thank God you weren’t beforehand … You’d best be off, m’dear – here’s a guinea for you. Tomorrow at six, mind … There she trips, my village Titania … sweet seventeen and goes like a widow of fifty. Don’t look askance at me, sir, if you were in this bloody bastille you’d be glad of a tickletail yourself. Now, have you brought … oh, famous! Sir, you are a pippen of the first flight! Brandy, bigod, that’ll answer. Fix bayonets and form square, belly, the Philistines are upon thee … Ah-h-h! Aye, that’s the neat article. Sir, your good health …

      Now, tell me, how did you get my direction in the first place? My son? ’Pon my soul, that was uncommon condescending of him; he don’t use to oblige strangers, unless … didn’t lend him money, did you? You married? Ah, you have a sister … oh, charming fellow, absolutely, quite the military lion, too. Taking her to see the hippopotamus, is he … and then to Astley’s? I see … oh, couldn’t be in better hands. No need for you to race back to Town …

      Well, now, since we have time before us, I tell you what – ne’er mind questions, I’ll recollect, and you can take notes. Capital … Now, you’re too young, I take it, to remember London in the old days – in the French war, I mean, before the Regency? Just so. Well, if you’re to understand about Molineaux, and how he came to make such an almighty stir, and so forth, I must set you right about that time. ’Twas as different from today as junk from Offley’s beef. Free and easy and jolly, no one giving a dam, churches half-empty and hells packed full, fashion and frolic the occupations, and sport the religion. Boney might be master of the Continent, and Wellington hanging on by his eyelids in Spain, but they were the deuce of a long way from Hyde Park and the night cellars; the many-headed might be on short commons and the government in Queer Street, but when were they not, eh? A few sobersides fretted about morality and revolution, but since most o’ the country was three-parts drunk, nobody minded them. The Town was on the spree, and we were “on the Town”.

      Hard to swallow, eh, for your serious generation, taking your lead from our sedate young Queen, God bless her, and her pump-faced German noodle – ah, there’s the difference, in a nutshell! You have the muff Albert, God help you, pious, worthy, dull as a wet Sabbath and dressed like a dead Quaker; we had fat Prinny, boozy and cheery and chasing skirt, in the pink of fashion as cut by Scott and approved by Brummell. That’s the difference thirty years has made. Your statesmen don’t gamble or fight duels; there ain’t one trace-kicker among your Society women; royalty don’t fornicate or have turn-ups at coronations nowadays; and what noble lord trains a prize pug or flees to France with the duns in full cry? Where are your dandy Corinthian out-and-outers, dazzling the ton, sparring with the Black Beetles or charging Kellerman’s cavalry, breaking their necks over hedges, and all for the fun of it? Or your peep-o’-day Quality beauties, with their night-long parties, but fresh as daisies in Hyde Park by day? Or your high-flight Cyprians, rising by wit and beauty from nowhere to enchant the bucks and set the scandalised tea-cups rattling from Apsley House to Great Swallow Street?

      No, they wouldn’t suit in this stale age, for they were a different breed, male and female. I don’t see the like today of Moll Douglas or Caro Lamb, or Jane Harley – Lady Oxford to you, who had so many brats by assorted sires they called ’em the Harleian Miscellany – or dear Hetty Stanhope, even, who decamped to be a Turkish sultana, as I recall. Women had style, then, as well as beauty. And men today are so damned sane and proper, not like Camelford, who went to France in disguise to try to murder Napoleon, or Jack Lade who married a highwayman’s wench, or my chum Harry Mellish who locked Clarence in the roundhouse and once lost forty thousand pounds on the roll of a single dice, or the three Barrymores – Hellgate, Cripplegate, and Newgate, so Prinny called ’em, and their noble sister was Billingsgate, on account of her fishwife tongue. Aye, it was a different age, gone now – and good riddance, you may think. But if it was wild and reckless, it was alive, with spirits that England couldn’t accommodate today. It was ready for any kind of lark and freak, and to hail the likes of Tom Molineaux as a nine-day wonder.

      He wouldn’t be that nowadays, I can tell you. Not to the modern taste, any more than the bucks and beauties of his time would be.

      Why’s that, eh? I’ll tell you why your age is different, and staid, and settled. It’s ’cos you ain’t had a good war in years; you han’t peered into the abyss and looked death and ruin in the face. We did, with Europe under the Corsican’s boot, the French at our gate, and Old England on the lion’s lip. You may say now that the crisis was passed by ’10 or ’11, but we didn’t know it. We’d just seen the finest force that Britannia ever sent overseas, forty thousand strong, wrecked at Walcheren, and our battered Peninsulars being driven back to Portugal. The devil with it, we said, we’ll beat ’em yet, and whether we do or whether we don’t, we’ll eat, drink, and be merry, for ’tis all one. That’s why England was full of sin and impudence, then.

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