Complete Works. D. H. Lawrence

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СКАЧАТЬ the others. They say at this rate everybody will consider me engaged, and I ought to consider myself so, because it's not fair to you. And I've tried to find out—and I don't think I love you as a man ought to love his wife. What do you think about it?”

      Miriam bowed her head moodily. She was angry at having this struggle. People should leave him and her alone.

      “I don't know,” she murmured.

      “Do you think we love each other enough to marry?” he asked definitely. It made her tremble.

      “No,” she answered truthfully. “I don't think so—we're too young.”

      “I thought perhaps,” he went on miserably, “that you, with your intensity in things, might have given me more—than I could ever make up to you. And even now—if you think it better—we'll be engaged.”

      Now Miriam wanted to cry. And she was angry, too. He was always such a child for people to do as they liked with.

      “No, I don't think so,” she said firmly.

      He pondered a minute.

      “You see,” he said, “with me—I don't think one person would ever monopolize me—be everything to me—I think never.”

      This she did not consider.

      “No,” she murmured. Then, after a pause, she looked at him, and her dark eyes flashed.

      “This is your mother,” she said. “I know she never liked me.”

      “No, no, it isn't,” he said hastily. “It was for your sake she spoke this time. She only said, if I was going on, I ought to consider myself engaged.” There was a silence. “And if I ask you to come down any time, you won't stop away, will you?”

      She did not answer. By this time she was very angry.

      “Well, what shall we do?” she said shortly. “I suppose I'd better drop French. I was just beginning to get on with it. But I suppose I can go on alone.”

      “I don't see that we need,” he said. “I can give you a French lesson, surely.”

      “Well—and there are Sunday nights. I shan't stop coming to chapel, because I enjoy it, and it's all the social life I get. But you've no need to come home with me. I can go alone.”

      “All right,” he answered, rather taken aback. “But if I ask Edgar, he'll always come with us, and then they can say nothing.”

      There was silence. After all, then, she would not lose much. For all their talk down at his home there would not be much difference. She wished they would mind their own business.

      “And you won't think about it, and let it trouble you, will you?” he asked.

      “Oh no,” replied Miriam, without looking at him.

      He was silent. She thought him unstable. He had no fixity of purpose, no anchor of righteousness that held him.

      “Because,” he continued, “a man gets across his bicycle—and goes to work—and does all sorts of things. But a woman broods.”

      “No, I shan't bother,” said Miriam. And she meant it.

      It had gone rather chilly. They went indoors.

      “How white Paul looks!” Mrs. Leivers exclaimed. “Miriam, you shouldn't have let him sit out of doors. Do you think you've taken cold, Paul?”

      “Oh, no!” he laughed.

      But he felt done up. It wore him out, the conflict in himself. Miriam pitied him now. But quite early, before nine o'clock, he rose to go.

      “You're not going home, are you?” asked Mrs. Leivers anxiously.

      “Yes,” he replied. “I said I'd be early.” He was very awkward.

      “But this IS early,” said Mrs. Leivers.

      Miriam sat in the rocking-chair, and did not speak. He hesitated, expecting her to rise and go with him to the barn as usual for his bicycle. She remained as she was. He was at a loss.

      “Well—good-night, all!” he faltered.

      She spoke her good-night along with all the others. But as he went past the window he looked in. She saw him pale, his brows knit slightly in a way that had become constant with him, his eyes dark with pain.

      She rose and went to the doorway to wave good-bye to him as he passed through the gate. He rode slowly under the pine-trees, feeling a cur and a miserable wretch. His bicycle went tilting down the hills at random. He thought it would be a relief to break one's neck.

      Two days later he sent her up a book and a little note, urging her to read and be busy.

      At this time he gave all his friendship to Edgar. He loved the family so much, he loved the farm so much; it was the dearest place on earth to him. His home was not so lovable. It was his mother. But then he would have been just as happy with his mother anywhere. Whereas Willey Farm he loved passionately. He loved the little pokey kitchen, where men's boots tramped, and the dog slept with one eye open for fear of being trodden on; where the lamp hung over the table at night, and everything was so silent. He loved Miriam's long, low parlour, with its atmosphere of romance, its flowers, its books, its high rosewood piano. He loved the gardens and the buildings that stood with their scarlet roofs on the naked edges of the fields, crept towards the wood as if for cosiness, the wild country scooping down a valley and up the uncultured hills of the other side. Only to be there was an exhilaration and a joy to him. He loved Mrs. Leivers, with her unworldliness and her quaint cynicism; he loved Mr. Leivers, so warm and young and lovable; he loved Edgar, who lit up when he came, and the boys and the children and Bill—even the sow Circe and the Indian game-cock called Tippoo. All this besides Miriam. He could not give it up.

      So he went as often, but he was usually with Edgar. Only all the family, including the father, joined in charades and games at evening. And later, Miriam drew them together, and they read Macbeth out of penny books, taking parts. It was great excitement. Miriam was glad, and Mrs. Leivers was glad, and Mr. Leivers enjoyed it. Then they all learned songs together from tonic sol-fa, singing in a circle round the fire. But now Paul was very rarely alone with Miriam. She waited. When she and Edgar and he walked home together from chapel or from the literary society in Bestwood, she knew his talk, so passionate and so unorthodox nowadays, was for her. She did envy Edgar, however, his cycling with Paul, his Friday nights, his days working in the fields. For her Friday nights and her French lessons were gone. She was nearly always alone, walking, pondering in the wood, reading, studying, dreaming, waiting. And he wrote to her frequently.

      One Sunday evening they attained to their old rare harmony. Edgar had stayed to Communion—he wondered what it was like—with Mrs. Morel. So Paul came on alone with Miriam to his home. He was more or less under her spell again. As usual, they were discussing the sermon. He was setting now full sail towards Agnosticism, but such a religious Agnosticism that Miriam did not suffer so badly. They were at the Renan Vie de Jesus stage. Miriam was the threshing-floor on which he threshed out all his beliefs. While he trampled his ideas upon her soul, the truth came out for him. She alone was his threshing-floor. She alone helped him towards realization. Almost impassive, she submitted to his argument and expounding. And somehow, СКАЧАТЬ