Complete Works. D. H. Lawrence

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ would merely see.

      “But what has happened?” she said.

      “Nothing—it's all in myself—it only comes out just now. We're always like this towards Easter-time.”

      He grovelled so helplessly, she pitied him. At least she never floundered in such a pitiable way. After all, it was he who was chiefly humiliated.

      “What do you want?” she asked him.

      “Why—I mustn't come often—that's all. Why should I monopolise you when I'm not—You see, I'm deficient in something with regard to you—”

      He was telling her he did not love her, and so ought to leave her a chance with another man. How foolish and blind and shamefully clumsy he was! What were other men to her! What were men to her at all! But he, ah! she loved his soul. Was HE deficient in something? Perhaps he was.

      “But I don't understand,” she said huskily. “Yesterday—”

      The night was turning jangled and hateful to him as the twilight faded. And she bowed under her suffering.

      “I know,” he cried, “you never will! You'll never believe that I can't—can't physically, any more than I can fly up like a skylark—”

      “What?” she murmured. Now she dreaded.

      “Love you.”

      He hated her bitterly at that moment because he made her suffer. Love her! She knew he loved her. He really belonged to her. This about not loving her, physically, bodily, was a mere perversity on his part, because he knew she loved him. He was stupid like a child. He belonged to her. His soul wanted her. She guessed somebody had been influencing him. She felt upon him the hardness, the foreignness of another influence.

      “What have they been saying at home?” she asked.

      “It's not that,” he answered.

      And then she knew it was. She despised them for their commonness, his people. They did not know what things were really worth.

      He and she talked very little more that night. After all he left her to cycle with Edgar.

      He had come back to his mother. Hers was the strongest tie in his life. When he thought round, Miriam shrank away. There was a vague, unreal feel about her. And nobody else mattered. There was one place in the world that stood solid and did not melt into unreality: the place where his mother was. Everybody else could grow shadowy, almost non-existent to him, but she could not. It was as if the pivot and pole of his life, from which he could not escape, was his mother.

      And in the same way she waited for him. In him was established her life now. After all, the life beyond offered very little to Mrs. Morel. She saw that our chance for DOING is here, and doing counted with her. Paul was going to prove that she had been right; he was going to make a man whom nothing should shift off his feet; he was going to alter the face of the earth in some way which mattered. Wherever he went she felt her soul went with him. Whatever he did she felt her soul stood by him, ready, as it were, to hand him his tools. She could not bear it when he was with Miriam. William was dead. She would fight to keep Paul.

      And he came back to her. And in his soul was a feeling of the satisfaction of self-sacrifice because he was faithful to her. She loved him first; he loved her first. And yet it was not enough. His new young life, so strong and imperious, was urged towards something else. It made him mad with restlessness. She saw this, and wished bitterly that Miriam had been a woman who could take this new life of his, and leave her the roots. He fought against his mother almost as he fought against Miriam.

      It was a week before he went again to Willey Farm. Miriam had suffered a great deal, and was afraid to see him again. Was she now to endure the ignominy of his abandoning her? That would only be superficial and temporary. He would come back. She held the keys to his soul. But meanwhile, how he would torture her with his battle against her. She shrank from it.

      However, the Sunday after Easter he came to tea. Mrs. Leivers was glad to see him. She gathered something was fretting him, that he found things hard. He seemed to drift to her for comfort. And she was good to him. She did him that great kindness of treating him almost with reverence.

      He met her with the young children in the front garden.

      “I'm glad you've come,” said the mother, looking at him with her great appealing brown eyes. “It is such a sunny day. I was just going down the fields for the first time this year.”

      He felt she would like him to come. That soothed him. They went, talking simply, he gentle and humble. He could have wept with gratitude that she was deferential to him. He was feeling humiliated.

      At the bottom of the Mow Close they found a thrush's nest.

      “Shall I show you the eggs?” he said.

      “Do!” replied Mrs. Leivers. “They seem SUCH a sign of spring, and so hopeful.”

      He put aside the thorns, and took out the eggs, holding them in the palm of his hand.

      “They are quite hot—I think we frightened her off them,” he said.

      “Ay, poor thing!” said Mrs. Leivers.

      Miriam could not help touching the eggs, and his hand which, it seemed to her, cradled them so well.

      “Isn't it a strange warmth!” she murmured, to get near him.

      “Blood heat,” he answered.

      She watched him putting them back, his body pressed against the hedge, his arm reaching slowly through the thorns, his hand folded carefully over the eggs. He was concentrated on the act. Seeing him so, she loved him; he seemed so simple and sufficient to himself. And she could not get to him.

      After tea she stood hesitating at the bookshelf. He took “Tartarin de Tarascon”. Again they sat on the bank of hay at the foot of the stack. He read a couple of pages, but without any heart for it. Again the dog came racing up to repeat the fun of the other day. He shoved his muzzle in the man's chest. Paul fingered his ear for a moment. Then he pushed him away.

      “Go away, Bill,” he said. “I don't want you.”

      Bill slunk off, and Miriam wondered and dreaded what was coming. There was a silence about the youth that made her still with apprehension. It was not his furies, but his quiet resolutions that she feared.

      Turning his face a little to one side, so that she could not see him, he began, speaking slowly and painfully:

      “Do you think—if I didn't come up so much—you might get to like somebody else—another man?”

      So this was what he was still harping on.

      “But I don't know any other men. Why do you ask?” she replied, in a low tone that should have been a reproach to him.

      “Why,” he blurted, “because they say I've no right to come up like this—without we mean to marry—”

      Miriam was indignant at anybody's forcing the issues between them. She had been furious with her own father for suggesting to Paul, laughingly, that he knew why he came so much.

      “Who СКАЧАТЬ