My Southern Home: Or, the South and Its People. William Wells Brown

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СКАЧАТЬ “Yes, massa; I’ll tend to ’em.”

      The negro now said, “I allers knowed I was a doctor, an’ now de ole boss has put me at it; I muss change my coat. Ef any niggers comes in, I wants to look suspectable. Dis jacket don’t suit a doctor; I’ll change it.”

      Cato’s vanity seemed at this point to be at its height, and having changed his coat, he walked up and down before the mirror, and viewed himself to his heart’s content, and saying to himself, “Ah! now I looks like a doctor. Now I can bleed, pull teef, or cut off a leg. Oh, well, well! ef I ain’t put de pill stuff an’ de intment stuff togedder. By golly, dat ole cuss will be mad when he finds it out, won’t he? Nebber mind, I’ll make it up in pills, and when de flour is on dem, he won’t know what’s in ’em; an’ I’ll make some new intment. Ah! yonder comes Mr. Campbell’s Pete an’ Ned; dem’s de ones massa sed was comin’. I’ll see ef I looks right. [Goes to the looking-glass and views himself.] I ’em some punkins, ain’t I? [Knock at the door.] Come in.” Enter Pete and Ned.

      Pete. “Whar is de Doctor?”

      Cato. “Here I is; don’t you see me?”

      Pete. “But whar is de ole boss?”

      Cato. “Dat’s none you business. I dun tole you dat I is de doctor, an’ dat’s enuff.”

      Ned. “Oh, do tell us whar de Doctor is. I is almos’ dead. Oh, me! oh, dear me! I is so sick.” [Horrible faces.]

      Pete. “Yes, do tell us; we don’t want to stan’ here foolin’.”

      Cato. “I tells you again dat I is de doctor. I larn de trade under massa.”

      Ned. “Oh! well den; give me somethin’ to stop dis pain. Oh, dear me! I shall die.”

      Cato. “Let me feel your pulse. Now, put out your tongue. You is berry sick. Ef you don’t mine, you’ll die. Come out in de shed, an’ I’ll bleed you.” [Taking them out and bleeding them.] “Dar, now, take dese pills, two in de mornin’, and two at night, and ef you don’t feel better, double de dose. Now, Mr. Pete, what’s de matter wid you?”

      Pete. “I is got de cole chills, an’ has a fever in de night.”

      “Come out in de shed, an’ I’ll bleed you,” said Cato, at the same time viewing himself in the mirror, as he passed out. After taking a quart of blood, which caused the patient to faint, they returned, the black doctor saying, “Now, take dese pills, two in de mornin’, and two at night, an’ ef dey don’t help you, double de dose. Ah! I like to forget to feel your pulse, and look at your tongue. Put out your tongue. [Feels his pulse.] Yes, I tells by de feel ob your pulse dat I is gib you de right pills?”

      Just then, Mr. Parker’s negro boy Bill, with his hand up to his mouth, and evidently in great pain, entered the office without giving the usual knock at the door, and which gave great offence to the new physician.

      “What you come in dat door widout knockin’ for?” exclaimed Cato.

      Bill. “My toof ache so, I didn’t tink to knock. Oh, my toof! my toof! Whar is de Doctor?”

      Cato. “Here I is; don’t you see me?”

      Bill. “What! you de Doctor, you brack cuss! You looks like a doctor! Oh, my toof! my toof! Whar is de Doctor?”

      Cato. “I tells you I is de doctor. Ef you don’t believe me, ax dese men. I can pull your toof in a minnit.”

      Bill. “Well, den, pull it out. Oh, my toof! how it aches! Oh, my toof!” [Cato gets the rusty turnkeys.]

      Cato. “Now lay down on your back.”

      Bill. “What for?”

      Cato. “Dat’s de way massa does.”

      Bill. “Oh, my toof! Well, den, come on.” [Lies down. Cato gets astraddle of Bill’s breast, puts the turnkeys on the wrong tooth, and pulls—Bill kicks, and cries out]—Oh, do stop! Oh, oh, oh! [Cato pulls the wrong tooth—Bill jumps up.]

      Cato. “Dar, now, I tole you I could pull your toof for you.”

      Bill. Oh, dear me! Oh, it aches yet! Oh, me! Oh, Lor-e-massy! You dun pull de wrong toof. Drat your skin! ef I don’t pay you for this, you brack cuss! [They fight, and turn over table, chairs, and bench—Pete and Ned look on.]

      During the melée, Dr. Gaines entered the office, and unceremoniously went at them with his cane, giving both a sound drubbing before any explanation could be offered. As soon as he could get an opportunity, Cato said, “Oh, massa! he’s to blame, sir, he’s to blame. He struck me fuss.”

      Bill. “No, sir; he’s to blame; he pull de wrong toof. Oh, my toof! oh, my toof!”

      NEGRO DENTISTRY.

      Dr. G. “Let me see your tooth. Open your mouth. As I live, you’ve taken out the wrong tooth. I am amazed. I’ll whip you for this; I’ll whip you well. You’re a pretty doctor. Now, lie down, Bill, and let him take out the right tooth; and if he makes a mistake this time, I’ll cowhide him well. Lie down, Bill.” [Bill lies down, and Cato pulls the tooth.] “There, now, why didn’t you do that in the first place?”

      Cato. “He wouldn’t hole still, sir.”

      Bill. “I did hole still.”

      Dr. G. “Now go home, boys; go home.”

      “You’ve made a pretty muss of it, in my absence,” said the Doctor. “Look at the table! Never mind, Cato; I’ll whip you well for this conduct of yours to-day. Go to work now, and clear up the office.”

      As the office door closed behind the master, the irritated negro, once more left to himself, exclaimed, “Confound dat nigger! I wish he was in Ginny. He bite my finger, and scratch my face. But didn’t I give it to him? Well, den, I reckon I did. [He goes to the mirror, and discovers that his coat is torn—weeps.] Oh, dear me! Oh, my coat—my coat is tore! Dat nigger has tore my coat. [He gets angry, and rushes about the room frantic.] Cuss dat nigger! Ef I could lay my hands on him, I’d tare him all to pieces—dat I would. An’ de old boss hit me wid his cane after dat nigger tore my coat. By golly, I wants to fight somebody. Ef ole massa should come in now, I’d fight him. [Rolls up his sleeves.] Let ’em come now, ef dey dare—ole massa, or anybody else; I’m ready for ’em.”

      Just then the Doctor returned and asked, “What’s all this noise here?”

      Cato. “Nuffin’, sir; only jess I is puttin’ things to rights, as you tole me. I didn’t hear any noise, except de rats.”

      Dr. G. “Make haste, and come in; I want you to go to town.”

      Once more left alone, the witty black said, “By golly, de ole boss like to cotch me dat time, didn’t СКАЧАТЬ